REACHING THE END

More than half of marriages fail and those are just the couples that made a legal commitment. Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. Sometimes they flourish and sometimes they don't.

Whether or not you're in a troubled relationship, you'll have noticed that lots of people have lots of opinions about what needs to be done. I mean, lots of people. No matter whether we are ourselves in a relationship or have faced making the choice of staying in one, we seem to all have opinions about what others should do. And most people don't hesitate to share these.

But here's the reality--only you get to decide what you want to do about your relationship.

Even if friends and family members have stood by you and held your hand while you talked endlessly about your struggles with your partner, you're still the only one deciding. This isn't an easy choice. Even if the two of you have had really hard times for way too long. Even if there has been infidelity or chemical abuse or both. You're still the one experiencing the good times and the bad.

The ones who love you--and who may have moved you in and out of the home you share with your mate--get to have opinions, but they need to think hard and long before they share these with you. You're the one in the relationship. You see aspects of your partner that no one else sees...and you know in your heart how you may have contributed to the problems the two of you have had.

No one--not best friends or parents--has the right to tell you what you ought to do. Not even professionals. Occasionally, clients will ask me what I think they should do about their marriages. I understand the confusion and the desire not to make a choice that will be regretted, but I'm not the one living in the relationship. Even though it might seem easier if I tell you what I think you ought to do, you need to trust in yourself and make the choice that seems most clear to you.

If you stay where you are, you need to find improvement, a way to make the really bad stuff better. If you can't, then you probably need to end it. Relationships involve two people. Focus on your part of things and work to straighten out your own behavior. It's very easy and very common to see your partner's bad actions. These stand out like they're written in neon.

It's harder to see how we've contributed to the mess. Every situation in life has a lesson, though, and you don't want to miss yours. Talking with a therapist can help you see angles you might have missed. You'll also feel heard --listened to--and this can be a priceless gift. When someone really listens to your concerns, you actually get to hear yourself.

This helps you get clearer on your situation.

You get to decide when you've reached the end of a relationship. No one else should try to convince you of this, even if they've watched you struggle.

Struggles can bring us to new realizations.