DO KIDS OWE PARENTS?

"My divorced step-daughter and our grandson, who have been living with my wife and myself for six years, has recently become romantically involved with someong. She insists that she be allowed to have him sleep over in her bed. My wife and I are at odds over this. I am completely opposed to this. My wife says that because her daughter pays us room and board, it's none of my business if she wants to have her boyfriend sleep over. My point is that she is still living under our roof. If I say no, then I feel my wife should support me on this. I have made it clear that what she does when she has her own place is none of my business, but as long as she's living in our home, she needs to respect my rules. My rules say no sleep-overs until she's in her own home. My question is--am I wrong in my way of thinking? I would be very grateful for any insight on this matter."--Upset Step-Dad

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Dear Step-Dad,

I think it's time you and your wife got out of the Boarding House business. You and you wife don't disagree that her daughter is in charge of her own morals, but you don't want to be involved in these. You've got a point. She is an adult with a child of her own and she's in charge of deciding how she wants to conduct her own relationships. The problem is that she's not sleeping "in her bed." She's in your bed--your house, your comfort zone.

On a note that has nothing to do with her sexual exploits, it's also upsetting to have someone in your house in your down time. This guy isn't your relative. You could run into him in the night when you go to the bathroom!
It's time to suggest that for everyone's comfort, she find her own place. Warning, though, your wife might be trying to avoid this very thing. Have a talk with her first. She may be struggling with the idea of her daughter--and her grandson--leaving the nest again.

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Do Kids Owe Parents?
Some individuals think of parenting as if they're lenders--they invest in raising a child and demand repayment when they enter their later years. From this thinking, kids are considered to be required to care for their aging parents because their parents raised them. They owe them. But this thinking has many problems. More and more people are facing expectations to care for troublesome parents with whom they've had complicated relationships.

In many families, the issue never comes up because of the nature of the relationship between adult children and their parents. Lots of people want to care for their aging parents and there's no sense of obligation for them. Sadly, this isn't true in all families. Some feel their parents failed them; some struggle with feeling burdened by the care of an aging parent.

Families are complex and the care of failing parents can involve many issues. These can be the result of unresolved problems in the child/parent relationship, but they aren't always rooted in parents' relationship with the individual in childhood. What if there has been a perception of discrepancy in the way money has been spent? An unrepaid loan to one sibling can be the source of resentment to the others. One sibling may have a very demanding career she feels has to take precidence over the issues of the other siblings. Others feel the burdens should be shared by all the adult children, not just one. What if the child living closest--often cited as "the most logical one" to take care of the parent--always felt the parent preferred a different sibling?

Like the rest of the large decisions in life, you have to decide what works best for you. Although this is a hot button situation for many, there are no hard-and-fast rules. Since you weren't consulted about being born into the family, you can't really be required to care for your parents.

It's not a contractual thing.

This is a personal issue and no one else can decide for you. Don't give yourself a hard time if you have mixed feelings. This may be a moment that sitting down with an objective third party would be helpful. Minister. Objective friend or therapist.

Think seriously about what's best for you.