DON'T EXPLAIN TO YOUR PARTNER

You don't mean to be defensive; you're just trying to explain. In the middle of a relationship conflict, however, no one wants to be explained to.

Communication in relationships is often complicated. The most frequent complaint I hear from clients is that their mate doesn't listen. The partner, however, insists he listens. Who's right? It doesn't matter because no one feels good in this scenario.

In the middle of the conflict, we miss some important points. Most people have no idea how to listen and to convey this listening to their partners. I get that it's very difficult to listen--without explaining--to whatever your mate is saying. Often the words thrown at you are accusations and who doesn't want to explain when accused?

Actual, effective listening, though, requires you to attend to what your mate is saying, without defending or explaining yourself. This involves making eye contact and actually hearing the other person's feelings. Most of us aren't very good at communicating feelings. We say things like "I feel that you...." which is not actually a feel, but an assessment of your motives.

So the words that come toward you from your partner may be unclear and jumbled. But this doesn't matter, as much as you receiving whatever is said.

First off, let your partner finish her own sentences. This is often difficult when your own feelings get roused.

Second, act like you're a receiver. Be the catcher on a softball team. Pretend you're taking notes for a test you'll be taking later. Do you're best to receive what your partner says. When you're a student in class, you take notes that you'll possibly need for a later exam. You don't (if you have any smarts) argue with the teacher that what he's saying is all wrong.

Use this same mode when you're communicating with your mate. Resist the urge to point out that it was the week before last, not last week. Don't rush in to accuse your partner of having recently done something worse. Just take in what is being said. It is important that you're able to repeat back to your partner what has been said to you. And you need to do this to your partner's satisfaction. You need him or her to nod and say, "You got it."

I cannot state strongly enough that this is not the time to disagree. You don't have to say that you agree(you probably won't), but you certainly don't need to tell you partner that she's all wrong.

Try to remember that you want this relationship. If you don't, get the hell out.

If you would like to continue being partners, you need to know what your mate thinks and feels. Get the message. When you've done this to your mate's satisfaction, then you can carefully say what you feel. I suggest you do this carefully because you have a better chance of being heard if you don't tell your partner what you think he thinks. This will backfire.

Talk simply about what you feel--"When you do blank, I feel angry/unloved/misunderstood/disregarded."

Note that there is no accusation in this sentence. You aren't attacking your partner. You aren't explaining yourself. Do you want your partner to explain him or herself when you've brought up an issue? Think carefully about this. You may say you want an explanation, but these usually feel like excuses.

What you really want is to be understood. You want your mate to get what you're saying, so do this yourself.

Resist the urge to explain.