OBSTUCTIVE PARENTING

The last thing most parents want to do is get in the way of their kids' happiness, but being a parent is one of the most up-close, challenging jobs in the world. We can actually end up hurting the very kids we love so desperately.

Take the most obvious example--actively trying to keep kids from spending time with a parent you're no longer with. Endless numbers of experts have made statements about parents not fighting in front of kids and that kids need both parents in their lives, if at all possible. Lots of research indicates that children without fathers have a harder time in school and in life and few would dispute that mothers are massively important.

The people who ignore court-ordered visitation of the non-custodial parent and throw up every boundary to keep the kids away, they aren't primarily concerned with what's happening to their children. These folks are mad and use every weapon at their disposal to punish the ex. Sadly, in doing this, they most hurt the kids they are supposed to love. You know, the weapons.

It is ironic, that we can also get in our kids way--not only by keeping loved ones away from them--but by giving too much to the children we love. Yes, you need to check the urge to give your kids the things you didn't have. Although you probably hated those character-building moments when you struggled for everything you got, you probably benefited from the struggle. You got a great gift--if you gave yourself credit for your achievements. You learned that you can make your world what you need it to be. You proved you have the power to make stuff happen.

Everyone knows an adult still living in his or her parent's basement--not working or going to school. Lots of folks lost jobs in the economic downturn or struggled to make a living at a low-paying jobs, but some kids (using the term loosely here) never make the shift to making their own way in life. One of the worst things parents can do for a child is to give him everything.

Good parenting is about loving kids--making sure they are safe and secure when they are young and getting the heck out of the way as they grow older. This last part can be difficult because it sometimes means standing back and watching while our children struggle. This is painfully hard.

Whether your ex is a jerk who skips visitation and you have the urge to lie to your kids about "daddy loves you, he's just working" or if you just really hate our ex, staying out of the relationship gives your kid the best shot. Many parents who try to obstruct the ex's parental involvement say they're just trying to protect the child, but children need to begin dealing with the realities of life, so they start believing in they're own power.

They also need to earn their perks.

Give your children the things they need--clothes to keep them warm and a safe place to live. Believe in them. Listen to them when they talk about their challenges, but remember, the parenting role is designed to move from all-caretaking to all-cheering. Verb to noun. Action to description. You parent when they are younger; you are a parent, when they become adults.

Giving them all the luxuries of life may be fun for parents, but it doesn't help them build the muscles they need to do the heavily lifting that life requires. Don't step in when your kids can handle their own challenges...and they can do this more often than parents think.

When my eldest child worked at 6 Flags, she called in sick to play hooky one day. Her boss called the house to check on her and her father and I innocently said she was at work. She was busted. Although it was difficult, when she showed up home later, we took her car and sent her back to work--in the family sedan--to face her boss.

The most powerful gift you give your child is believing in his capacity to handle difficult things. That means, you not always rushing to the rescue.

PARENTING: DON'T FREAK OUT

It's easy to recommend not freaking out over everything when you don't have a child. I have two, so I'm safe in saying this, but don't assume I'm saying I've done everything right. So, not the case. Even if the kid is massively annoying (and they all are, at times), parenting carries with it a huge responsibility. Just look around you and you'll find lots of examples of parenting gone really wrong.

While individuals make choices that direct their lives, no one would deny that parents have a huge impact on kids' lives.

Our local media has recently featured stories of a 16 year old, arrested for a drunk driving incident in which four people were killed. This kid's trial has centered on the fact that he was raised in a state of "affluenza" by parents who gave him everything, but consequences. His actions caused the death of four people, but his choices are being attributed somewhat to his parent's lax attitudes. I was filmed by our local DFW Fox4 Channel, contributing to a story on this.

The thing is that parenting is an evolving job that has massively huge impact on children. Kids can overcome--just ask Michael Oher, the NFL football player raised in poverty and neglect that led his drug-addicted mother to lose him to the foster system. Some kids overcome and cope with tremendously challenging factors, but some kids don't.

The only thing worse than neglect and too little is too much. Most parents don't want to be hurdles to their children. They want their kids to prosper and make the world a better place.

From the time a small squalling bundle is place into your arms, you can be gripped with this job. You will need to teach her everything. You will keep her safe from both herself and dangerous predators. Just make sure you don't get so caught up in the protection aspects of parenting that you forget the letting-go aspects of the job. This requires exhausting oversight in the beginning shifting gradually to letting her make the tough choices herself without you directing her.

In the evolution of this task, you must first do everything for your child, then you must gradually do less and less. Your children have to learn to fly on their own--this is how they learn to believe in themselves.

As a parent, an important part of your job is learning when to freak out.

A child of mine actually begin speaking when she was six month old (no lie). When this child couldn't read at eight years of age, I freaked out. Galvanized into action, I finally found someone who could help. She reads beautifully now, but I also freaked out when she was younger and wouldn't take naps. Her dad and I actually subjected the kid to a sleep study before the age of one. (I'm not proud of that.) 

I've never met a perfect parent. Ever.

The challenge in this huge job--one of the largest you will ever undertake--is to learn to the best of you abilities when to take your hands off the wheel. When to trust them and when to intervene. You don't need to freak out when they say a "bad" word, but you should probably seek help if they hurt animals or anyone younger than themselves.

And you should give yourself a break because there is no manual for this job.

KIDS CRIPPLED BY WEALTH

"We need direction. Our adult son is living with us.  He has been out of work for more than 3 years but is currently attending college ( at our expense) to try to get a technical certification.  His past employment required considerable physical labor which he is no longer able to do. He is 52, but not eligible for disability. 

He is separated from his wife of 25+ plus years, but continues to see her on a regular overnight visits while she is  living with her Mother. While at our home, our son is respectful , doesn't run around, helps with yard work etc, but we cannot see any change in the future. He says he will work when he gets his degree, but that's another year away.  Many days he is depressed, appears to have physical issues with gout and thyroid problems, but he's very inconsistent in taking his medications.  Sometimes he will sleep for hours and seems totally exhausted. When he does take his medications, he is a totally different person, but then he stops them again. 

We have tried to encourage consistency in meds, even to asking him to commit to our monitoring them, but he refuses, saying he is an adult. He is not acting like an adult if he does not take them, knowing it would help his life. He loves the classes he is taking, but we know he will not succeed on his own if he also doesn't take needed medication.    

We have considered telling him to take care of himself, get a part time job, seek counseling, etc or he cannot continue to stay with us, however, I do not know where he would go.  We are living on retirement and have a limited income. We are at our wit's end. If he were abusive, disrespectful, etc it would be easy. Where/what do we do?"

 

Worried parents ( 70yrs old)

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Dear Worried Parents,

 

 

First, let me ask you some questions"

 

1. Is your son mentally impaired?



2. What will he do/how will he live once you're no longer there to take care of him?

 

I know you love your son, but I'm not sure you're helping him. If he is mentally impaired(doesn't sound that way), you need to arrange legally for his care once you're no longer able to care for him. If he's of sound mind, you need to treat him like any other person who has the capacity to care for himself. I know this sounds brutal, but its the most loving thing you could do. Cut him loose.

 

If you believe he has the capacity to live an independent life--make a salary, manage his own money, take care of his health--then you owe it to him to act as if he's a responsible adult...even if he's not acting that way.

 

Give him a deadline to move out of your house. Make it reasonable, but not generous. (You've already been pretty generous) Then follow through. Your son deserves this, even if he doesn't like it. As parents, we often have to do things our kids don't like. When he was young, you made him take his medicine. That's no longer your role, but you can stop treating him like he's fifteen.

 

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Kid's Crippled By Wealth

 

 

We've all read the news stories of the children of the super-wealthy choosing really sad paths. To many get too accustomed to privileged lives of entitlement. It's sad and all too frequent. But are your kids getting too much. You may not be wealthy and your name isn't known throughout the land, but it's still worth asking whether your children are crippled by your success.

 

Even modestly successful people--who live in nice houses and drive nice cars--have a tendency to want to give their children everything. We don't want the kids to struggle. But life is all about struggling. When my husband's cousin was diagnosed with cancer, he made the profound statement that "if money can cure it, whatever you're dealing with isn't a problem."

 

 

Life involves struggle. That's not negotiable, but those of us handle life better have learned to strive. Kids need to learn that they have internal strength and fortitude; they need to know without a doubt that they've handled hard times before and can handle them again.

 

I've seen clients crippled by their parents' money, sitting around, feeling trapped, waiting for the will to be proved. You want your kid to struggle. Be emotionally supportive. Pay for college if you can, as long as the kid's actually making the grade. Help when it's helpful, but don't think you can remove the struggle. 



PARENT: VERB TO NOUN

When your kids were young, you fed them, pulled them out of stuck spots and kept them from running into the street. You changed their pants, talked to their teachers and gave them curfews that they tended to ignore.

In the beginning of children's lives, parenting is a verb. It involves lots of sometimes exhausting effort. You were the center of their lives. As they get older, however, the word "parent" changes.

When my daughter was sixteen and was employed at Six Flags, she worked her tushie off. But she also made mistakes, even calling in sick once--unbeknownst to me--when she was on a lark with friends. She got caught by her boss and when she came home with her tail between her legs, her dad and I sent her straight back to work to deal with the mess she'd made.

That was active parenting.

This same child of mine defended her dissertation today. She's grown up past the age of maturity and is in a psychology doctoral program. Defending a dissertation proposal is a fourth-year, near-the-end hurdle. Not passing the defense would mean a year delay in getting to the next step. Her father and I have both been through the hell of defending a proposal. Although professors are generally nice people, they don't make this at all easy.


This afternoon, her father and I sat at our desks, worrying and praying for her. Particularly since one of her committee members threw her a loop hours before the defense.

This is the Noun part of parenting. She's an adult. She no longer needs us to be active in directing her life. She doesn't need us pointing out her mistakes or telling her what she should do. She's not a young child, even though she's our child.

It's no longer okay for me to ask her where she's going, to tell her when she needs to get in, when she's at our house, or tell her what she ought to do. This phase of parenting is about being supportive and loving; not directive.

The transition from verb to noun can be difficult for both parents and children, but it's hugely important. We love our kids and yet we still forget to believe in them. Even though they screw up--which we all do lots of when we're young--they still have what it takes to make their way in this world.

The worst, most crippling thing that the parent of an adult can do is to rescue them from their own bad choices. Yes, I know it's very difficult to watch them suffer. Incredibly, incredibly difficult. But they deserve to have the learning that comes from cleaning up their own mistakes.

Don't give in to the urge to pull an adult child out of the fire.

I realize this is very difficult when we parents have been "helping" our kids all their lives. The shift from active supporter to cheering bystander is very difficult, but you need to convey to your children by your behavior that you know they can meet whatever challenge comes their way.

Find the balance--some parents can offer money toward the purchase of a home; some supported their kids through college. You can support your kids, but don't, however, do what they can do for themselves.

KIDS: MISBEHAVIOR & FEAR

Your child's words of anger may upset you, but it's important to realize that they're pipsqueaks. You're the big dog, even though you may not feel like it and you may not know what to do to get them to behave or to eat sensibly.

As crazy as it sounds to frustrated, well-meaning parents, children are very aware of being smaller and weaker than adults. Even teens--the terror of the parenting world--are fearful of what lies ahead. They don't feel capable of handling the world and they need you as much as they hate needing you.

You need to be the rock.

I know you don't always feel like a rock and you're very aware of your own shortcomings and your many parenting mistakes. Your children, however, know they need you. They also love you and get scared when you're angry or upset. You see the mad (and, really, wouldn't you rather they be pains with you than with others who don't love them?) You get the dirty rooms and the teacher conferences that make you feel inadequate. You struggle to pay the bills and you're often the one dealing with ex-spouses over child support and visitation.

Being a parent isn't a picnic, but being a kid is hard, too.

Often when children misbehave and act like total jerks, they're scared. They need to know you're there and you'll protect them. They need you to discipline them so they learn consequences. You've taken on the job of parenting--one of the hardest on this earth--and you're all the lies between your kids and a scary world. It's more than keeping them safe from strangers. You also have the job of keeping them safe from your friends and relatives! They rely on your watchful eye and they rarely thank you for it.

You screw up; we all do. You make lousy relationship choices. You may have struggled with appropriate alcohol use and you may also be putting yourself through college.

They may rarely tell you how much they rely on you, but that doesn't mean they don't appreciate it.

Even though they get mad.... Even though they're jerks sometimes.

STUCK IN-BETWEEN

Sometime around the high school years, kids realize that they are growing up--and it usually scares the crap out of them. Some kids sail through this phase, seeming impervious to the great responsibilities that come with adulthood, but most hit the wall with a real bang. Growing up scares the heck out of them.

If you've ever used a ladder to climb onto the roof of a house, you know the feeling of being suspended with no support, stepping from the rungs to the roof. This is what growing up can feel like. Parents feed, clothe and support their kids, giving them Game Cubes, phones and cars. When your children become adults--even when they go off to college--they have to handle things on their own. College professors generally won't talk to parents, insisting that kids be responsible for their own grades.

Part of the job of parenting is helping to prepare your children for independent life. After all, no matter how much you love them and will do anything for them, you won't live forever.

They need to be able to handle life on their own.

Even high-achieving, academically-successful kids are impacted by this reality. In fact, the smarter they are, the more scared they are. They see the challenges that you, as an adult, face and they doubt themselves.

This self-doubt can prompt everything from scary teen acting-out to psychiatric symptoms. Some kids head of to colleges that are distant from their homes, excited to be on their own. A number of these kids will tank their first or second semesters and return home, depressed and shaken.

As parents, we are in a massively-important position. Although we can be anxious and afraid for them ourselves, they need to know we believe in them. This past Sunday, I watched as my daughter walked through an airport security check point, headed to Brooklyn, New York for three years of residency. I will miss her terribly and will visit her, with her father, as often as hers and my busy schedules and finances allow. (Love Manhattan) I will still miss her. For the last year of medical school, she lived in our house to allow her to spend her money on multiple residency interviews all over the U.S.

She's been right down the hallway and now she's 3,000 miles away. She has to make a home for herself and to create new friendships. Even though, I wish she still lived nearby, it's my job as a loving parent of an adult child to stress over and over that she can do this and they're lucky in Brooklyn to have her in their ER.

As parents, we can help the transition by not giving into our own fears and anxieties. Our children may stumble--as we did in our time--but they have what it takes to handle the shift to adulthood.

FOLLOW-THROUGH

The only way your kids can trust you is if you follow-through on what you tell them. This goes directly to them feeling safe with you. After all, they're young and small and they depend on you. They need to feel sure that you will take care of them and that means that you'll do what you say.

In the old Audrey Hepburn/Cary Grant movie Charade, two men get on an elevator with Hepburn at an American consulate, discussing an evening playing cards with their boss. One man tells the other that he held a smaller hand, but he successfully bluffed the ambassador. The other guy asks why this is a problem and the first man said, "Well, if I can do it, what about the Russians?"

Parents have a tendency to utter threats and promises they don't want to have to use. They're trying to get their kids in line, but kids aren't stupid. After a few of these empty threats, they get the picture--you can't be trusted.

Parenting is a very challenging job--one of the hardest on earth. You don't often get a vacation from being your best self. You're on all-the-time. Small eyes note, catalogue and copy...which can be really disturbing.

So, don't say what you're not prepared to do. If you threaten to put your kid in time-out, put her in time-out, no matter how sweet she looks or if her tears tug at your heart. Your kids aren't monsters trying to drive you crazy, but they are usually pretty good at doing this. They see you in your worse, most stressed, frazzled, annoyed moments and they need to know that, even when you're tired or mad, you'll still be reliable.

Doing what you say gives you credibility and stature with your kids (although they won't usually tell you this until some big moment like graduation or the birth of a grandchild). Yelling at them won't make them behave, it's just a measure of how frustrated you are. Yes, they may jump when you yell, but remember that they haven't doing what they're supposed to do until you yell. That means your kids have learned they don't have to respond until you reach a certain decibel level.

Counting 1-2-3 doesn't work, either, because they just wait until right before you reach 3.

Say what you mean--once--and then follow-through. This is much easier if you keep your hands on them. Few things disturb me more than going to a mall or discount store and seeing kids running aisles ahead of their parents. Often the parents are yelling directions at them, which the kids then ignore. These are almost always empty threats. Parents don't want to be bothered with carting the kids straight out of the mall--they have a reason for being at the mall and they want to get whatever--and kids know this. They know you're just yelling at them. When you catch up to them, you may grab them by the arm and scold them. You may threaten to not get them a promised treat or not buy them whatever.

But you will. You will end up buying them ice cream or their baseball uniform or whatever you've come to the mall for. In this situation, why should kids listen? Don't be this parent. You want your kids to know you can take care of them.

If you're not acting like what you say matters, neither will they.

THRILLED BUT NOT PROUD

Tomorrow, a child of mine is graduating medical school. All through her academic process--valedictorian of her small high school, cum laude graduate in biology from college, a masters in medical science and then medical school--people have been commenting on how proud of her I must be.

I have a problem with that word--proud--and I realize this is mostly my issue.

In my experience, parental pride seems to include some level of ownership of the achievement--like the child's success is somehow due to the parent. I reject that perspective and not because I don't think I've been a good parent. As most parents, I had some bad, stupid moments and some really good moments. When this physician daughter of mine couldn't read at eight, I went into intensive vision therapy mode. I fortunately knew of a professional in this field and, with his direction, I was rigid about vision therapy with her. I mean I was hell-bent, full-out, commando about this. I love words and I couldn't imagine a life without reading.

So, yes. I get credit for helping her be able to learn to read. My husband and I have always placed our daughters' needs at a high priority and we've worked to give them the foundation of a strong parental marriage. I've been a decent parent and I feel good about most of my actions in that area.

But I can't say I'm proud of this adult child of mine because this is her achievement. She earned this. I've seen her hard work and intensive study to get where she can walk across the stage tomorrow and earn the title of Dr. Doss. The hours spent pouring over massive text books and the devotion she gave to study were incredible.

I'm thrilled for her.

When she spent a month in Costa Rica earlier this year to learn medical Spanish(a great idea and a fun trip for her), she was startled to come home and hear all the big, wild ideas her father and I had about celebrating her huge accomplishment. Live bands and country clubs were discussed. Banners and such. We stopped short of skywriting our congratulations, but just.

I never say how proud of her I am--I just tell her repeatedly how thrilled her dad and I are. I don't take credit for her successes (or her failures for that matter). She's a strong, dedicated, determined woman. She's earned this medical degree and anyone who ends up in the ER, needing her help, will be fortunate to have her on duty.

MOTHERHOOD: SHARE THE GLORY

Sometimes parenting sucks, but sometimes it's the most glorious part of being human. In holiday gift-giving expenditures, Mother's Day ranks fourth behind Christmas, Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. Father's Day falls a sad sixth in spending, coming after Easter. This may be only a rough indication of the involvement of mothers versus fathers, but we tend to put our money where our hearts are.

Until the last twenty years, our society failed to see the importance of having active fathers in children's lives. This is sad for all involved. Mothers may get one glorious day, but they've borne the heavy burdens of parenting alone for way too long. Dads who don't have to change dirty diapers or go to teacher conferences may seem to have gotten a lighter load, but their un-involvement robs them of the same powerful influence and significance that moms have had.

Have you ever seen a pro athlete mouth "Hi Dad" to the camera?

Kids deserve two active parents and parents are at their best when functioning as a true team. How the parenting jobs are divided up matter less than that they are divided somewhat equally between both parents.

There are many tedious, frustrating requirements to raising us humans. We come into this world as squalling, messy entities filled with amazing potential and it's our parents' job to help us move forward into adulthood. Individuals who reach maturity with some level of self esteem and some awareness of their own capacity--well, they're ahead of the game.

I've often said that being in a relationship and being a parent are the two hardest jobs on the face of this earth. That's saying a lot when you consider how amazing we are. We build both rocket ships and bombs with incredible ingenuity. When we look around at the human race, we see both heartrending heroics and horrible cruelty.

We humans have great capacity...and the hardest roles we have are the ones involving our loved ones. The people who make us craziest are those closest to us. You can be brilliant and do amazing things in your profession, but bringing all those smarts home to your spouse and your kids can be really challenging.

So, Moms, share the parenting glory...and share the dirty work. You deserve a bubble bath and the kids' dad deserves to put them to bed. Everyone needs a little snuggle time.

GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

Being a teen is tough.

Yes, parenting teens is really tough, but if your kid is a teen--particularly a late teen--think about what they're facing. Most kids are sheltered and some are pampered. If the child is lucky and life is working out as it should, she's been looked after and encouraged to prosper.

When children come into this world as tadpoles of human beings, unable to do the simplest tasks for themselves, parents, extended family members and caregivers fed and bathe them and make sure they're comfortable. As they grew older, others ferried them to soccer practice and took them to the orthodontist. They needed this attention because they couldn't take care of themselves.

Then they enter high school and adulthood begins to loom. This is both exciting and very scary. I see a number of teens with anxiety symptoms at this age and I get it--they're almost adults, responsible for themselves. It's very natural for teens to wonder if they can do it. If they can get into and get through school. If they can find a job that will sustain them and get them the goodies to which they've become accustomed.

Growing up is challenging and freeing, all at the same time. All while teens are pushing against boundaries and making scary decisions about relationships, deciding about safe sex and drinking and driving; they're also freaked out by all the choices. They aren't sure they can do all this grown up stuff. It doesn't help matters that we, as their parents, are also freaked out. Scared out of our minds that they'll do something--in the invincibility of youth--that will end or damage their lives.

Lots of fear.

When my daughters got to this point, their dad and I knew temptations were all around them, just as opportunities were. I also knew that their friends were very important and, potentially, the ones who'd join them or entice them into doing stupid things.

So, I told them to go ahead and blame me. If ever they were faced with a challenging, tempting, scary, unsafe thing--just tell their friends that their mom was a bitch and wouldn't let them do whatever.

To some extent, this is also the therapist's role. Whether we like it or not, people quote us and blame us and say we told them to leave their relationships or jobs. They had to do it because their therapist said so.

(Just between the two of us, I don't ever tell clients what to do--about relationships, jobs, parenting or anything. I do, however, reflect back to them what I hear them telling me. If their in an abusive marriage or job and they tell me about being screamed at and hit, I'm gonna reflect this back to them. Sometimes hearing someone else say the facts sounds really different.) This is your life, I don't get to live it. You're in the best position to make your own choices.

I've said before that being a parent is one of the hardest roles a person can take on in this life. Sitting by and watching your kid's choices can be very difficult. Whenever we love someone, we open our hearts to being effected by what they do.

But they need to jump out and make their own choices. We may want to put  pads down to cushion their falls, but when they're teens, we can't do this. We shouldn't do this. Continuing to try and guide your child's choices when he's an adult gives the scary, disturbing message that you don't think he can handle life himself.

This isn't usually what we mean, at all. We're just used to the active parenting role and we're scared silly. But we have to let our children grow up. Just like letting them learn to walk(even though they got bruised when they fell), we have to let them prove to themselves that they can do this. They can handle their lives.

We stand by, believing in them, letting them blame us and we convey our caring to them. We try to be helpful without getting in the way.

This is love and sometimes it sucks.

LOUDER ISN'T BETTER

What do you do when it doesn't seem like the person you're talking to is listening?

Every one of us has had a situation in which we didn't feel heard. People often talk of communication problems, but what we normally do when we don't feel understood or when we're angry is to raise our voices. We speak louder, usually yelling hostile words, as if calling someone names and saying loud, ugly things makes them more understanding.

When it comes to communication, louder isn't better.

I know, however, that you get mad when you're not heard. This is a very natural thing, but you need to think about whether your natural reaction is working.

Remember the times in your life when you've been yelled at. Have you suddenly realized the error of your ways and started trying really hard to communicate with whoever was yelling at you? No, you usually yell back.

I was driving my lovely car this morning when--for some random reason--several incidents in my past popped into my head. Both happened when I was a teen and both were linked to not-the-best teen driving behavior. In both incidents, I was in the wrong. Once a total stranger yelled at me, but the other time the yeller was a person well-known to me. In neither case, did I then hear what was said. Let me repeat that both times I'd committed a driving infraction. I see that now, but I didn't see it then. I also didn't know why the other person was angry. The point was lost. I was only aware of being yelled at.

I didn't hear the words, just the emotion. In general, when we feel upset, angry or frustrated, we tend to yell. But louder isn't better when you actually want to be heard.

It may not make sense, but we're more likely to raise our voices with the ones we love. Parents yell at their kids; people yell at their mates. We have an epidimic of poor communication and we're strangely more hesitant to use loud, insulting language with people we don't know. (Unlike the stranger who yelled at me for my bad driving.)

Sometimes, we rely on anonimity. We yell if we're not likely to get caught. 

The reality is that volume communicates emotion, not much else. When you hollar, the people you're yelling at get that you're angry. They don't tend to hear your actual words, though. I've had parents tell me that their children don't hear them until they yell, but the problem isn't that they were speaking too quietly before. Kids usually are very smart at knowing when you're about to actually follow-through. They know if they can wait to turn off their video games or clean up their rooms until you start yelling. Then it's serious.

But if this communication pattern makes you crazy, stop the yelling and start following-through quietly, after having spoken once. If you want your loved ones to hear you, speak in a level voice, but take action. It's not always true that people do what's important when spoken to in a level voice, but if you're going to be understood, you need to make sure your speech isn't communicating communication-blocking emotions . Adapting this way will help your vocal cords and your blood pressure.

Stop yelling. Start acting.

ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

"I spent 3 years in a verbally abuse, mentally exhausting, chaotic relationship. The thing was, I loved her. She broke up with me in October of last year, but has been living in my house until today (March 1st). I am having trouble getting over her. She was an awful partner, didn't appreciate me, never did anything sweet and never went out of her way to show affection. She put me down, cried when she couldn't get what she wanted and snapped at me for the most absurd things. I think she may have BPD as I have done my research. Why can't I get over her? Perhaps it was because we were engaged and planning our wedding? What steps should I take at easing off my apparent addiction for her? I would cut her off cold turkey but I am the guardian (and non bio parent) of our daughter whom I love. Help!"--Troubled

*

Dear Troubled,

 

It's difficult to move on when you still share a house with your ex. The first thing is to get separate living quarters and I'd recommend you tell her to leave. This can be difficult if you're conflicted about ending the relationship, though. You've told me that she was an awful partner, but you're also struggling to move on.

 

Don't allow the existence of a child to keep this difficult situation going. If your ex can't afford to support herself and a child, then you take over the child's maintenance and have the ex move out. Either way, you don't need her living with you. Estranged parents often struggle to deal with the issues of sharing a child. If you have legal standing in regards to your daughter, you should be able to get shared custody or visitation with her. Talk with an attorney to make sure your rights are protected.

 

Then, it's time to look long and hard at whether you agree with your ex's ugly opinion of you. You may have stayed in an abusive, exhausting relationship to remain in contact with your daughter or you may be accustomed to negative behavior. Either way, you deserve better and so does the child.

 

Please don't try to diagnose your ex. This isn't your job and it won't help you. People currently use mental health diagnoses as weapons against others. Don't succumb to this. You may have planned a future with her, but it sounds as if nothing good came of this potential union. You need to present your daughter with a healthy example. You don't want her growing up to accept abuse from her partners, so don't set her this example. Get out of the relationship and show her she doesn't have to take this.

 

You may be addicted to this relationship or you may have merely become too accustomed to the mess. Get therapy to help you sort through the issues that got you in this and kept you there. You don't want to repeat this.

 

**

ENCOURAGE TEENS TO WORK

 

You may push your kids to take college-level courses in high school and urge them to focus on their grades, but if you don't let them work part-time jobs, they're missing out on a tremendous real-life educational opportunity.

 

Lots of young adults in college struggle to know where they want to direct their education. Some fall back on non-degree degrees--you know, the kind that won't actually get them jobs?--or end up with six different majors before cobbling their hours together just to graduate with some kind of degree.

 

Working part-time jobs helps kids to think seriously about what they do and don't want to do. It gives them a taste of the job market for those who don't go to college and can help them develop a drive to go into whatever field works for them.

 

My daughters worked at amusement parks and mall food-court jobs after they reached sixteen. One even worked in a mall photography studio for one Christmas season. Before that, they spent summers helping their father work on the old buildings where we officed. One day my youngest came home, covered from head to toe in mud, after crawling around under a building, working on plumbing. She stood by the door and announced in a deadpan voice that now she knew she didn't want to be a plumber.

 

Plumbing may be your kid's passion(my husband has a cousin with a Ph.D. in history who's now a plumber), but crawling under a building or working at Six Flags may not be what your kid wants to do for the next twenty years. Having this kind of job early can help teens focus on what they want in their work. My daughters ended up both working at an upscale grocery store as checkers during college and one once referred to several of the workers there as "lifers".

 

Service personnel are subjected to our moods and dysfunctions. It takes a lot of tolerance to do this kind of work. If, however, your teens don't see this as a career that will enhance their lives, they should get training to do the job that will make them most fulfilled and happy.

 

Working as a teen can help them know what they want to do.

ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

"My daughter is 11 and lies about everything. Can you give me some tips to try to help her? We are at our wits end. I have tried to reward her for good behavior and it will start to get better, but then it will relapse again. Her dad is only in the picture when it is convenient for him but her step dad has been there consistently since she was three."--Frustrated Mom

*

Dear Frustrated,

 

It might help to mention that 10 1/2 to 11 years is a developmentally rough time--kind of like when she was 2 and yelled no at you all the time. Things will settle down in about six months (until another rough developmental period rolls around).  Another reality is that pretty much all kids lie and this is understandable when you consider that children are dependent and less powerful than adults. The deck is stacked in your favor. You've got the power.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way when you're wrestling with her acting out. Children can really be difficult, at times.

 



Keeping those things in mind, there are a couple of behaviors parents need to avoid when it comes to lying. Don't ask her a question when you know the answer. We parents are sometimes guilty of setting kids up to lie. We ask them what they're up to when we know what they're doing. We ask them if they did a certain thing when we know they did it.

 

There's even a video on YouTube of a kid with cupcake sprinkles all over his guilty face and his mother asking him if he ate the cupcake. Of course, the kid lies.

 

Giving her consequences for lies is a good option. Remember, growth is a process. Sometimes it is a two-steps-forward-one-step back thing. Having seen your rewards make a difference is a sign that the things you've done are having impact. She also needs to experience her own power in positive ways. Give her choices whenever you can and let her be in charge of the small things. Let her choose which chores she wants and when in the day she does these. Within the bounds of weather and modesty, let her pick her clothes--even if they don't match.

 

Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs we ever undertake, even though the rewards can be great.

 

*

 



ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING

 

Parenting is all about helping your children move forward in a healthy way, but forward movement can be scary for all. We don't want our kids to do death-defying stunts that get uploaded on the internet and we certainly don't want them engaging in risky sexual behavior or ingesting illegal substances. There are some kinds of risks, however, that we do want them to take.

 

Think back to your own childhood and adolescence.... If you moved to a new school, you learned to make new friends and you might even have tried out for sports or for a role in the school musical. These all felt scary because they involved taking the risk of rejection and maybe even ridicule.

 

You want your kids to risk being different from the crowd, especially if the crowd is doing bad, dangerous things.

 

As children get older, they approach the very scary reality of Adulthood, of making their own living and creating lives of their own. I see lots of very intelligent teens who are struggling with anxiety as they approach high school graduation. What's next? What if they choose wrong? What if they can't get into the college of their choice? Or, worse yet, what if they get in and hate it?

 

The best gift you can give your child--by far--is believing in him. Everyone reading this silently thought of course I believe in my kid, but this isn't as simple as it sounds. Parents need to internalize and remember the words "My kid is strong and capable." Repeat this back to yourself when the child does something foolish(life lesson straight ahead) or when he or she faces a harsh or unfair reality. Doesn't get the part-time job or gets rejected by the college of his choice.

 

Life involves rejections. You know this from experience, right? But the biggest success when we're facing failure is to get back up again. Try again...and again. Shift our focus and adjust our efforts and go at it again.

 

As parents, we need to send out the message that we believe in them. We know they can handle whatever comes. We can say this(whenever appropriate) and we need to keep it front and center in our brains. Transmit it. You may or may not have had people who believed in you, but you know the power of that gift.

 

Appropriate risk-taking is a life skill. It's how we develop healthy self-esteem, that and noticing our successes. Give your kids the gift of encouraging them to take the leap. Do this because--even though you're behind the kid chewing your fingernails to the nub out of your desire for them to get the job/win the contest/make the vault--you need to transmit that you believe in them.

 
You're tremendously important, even though they don't always let you see this. Believe in your children's capacity to cope with life.



YOU GET TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

Let's just start off by saying there are usually many right ways to accomplish whatever, but many individuals still insist they're right about pretty much everything.

Admittedly, being right feels good. We're like kids in the classroom, eagerly raising our hands when we know the answer. We love winning--being right!--so  much that many of us are tempted to cheat to get there.

There are unfortunately lots of times in life when we don't know the answer. The more experience you have, the more chance that you'll run into situations that don't even have a right answer, but many of us deal with this uncertainty by sticking to our answers--our solutions to most everything. No where is this more evident that politics and parenting. If we're not very aware, we can end up trying to shove our perspective down others throats.

This never gets us what we want. Ever. But it's hard to resist.

The biggest area in which we insist we have the answers is in parenting, particularly parenting teens or young adults. Let's be honest, the young often have limited views of life and, yes, they screw up. You've been through various situations in your life and life has taught you a thing or two. Sometimes harshly.

So when a younger person that you love is heading in what you fear is the wrong direction, you can insist that your way/your perspective/your answers are the right ones.

Just let me ask, when your parents tried to tell you as a young adult what you needed to do, did you appreciate it? Did you listen or shut them out? And when you're in a dilemma now and your friends insist on telling you what to do, don't you tend to ignore them?

We human beings have a strong need to create our own fates. We don't want others telling us what to do, no matter how invested they are. As a therapist, I occasionally see clients who want me to give them the answers--tell them what to do. I resist this kind of question because I respect your right to decide on your own answers. No one should tell you what you should do. The irony of this is that clients do what they want, no matter what their therapist or parents or friends say they should do.

This is how it should be.

When young adults--or older adults!--are floundering, it would be a relief(we think) to have someone hand us answers, but it doesn't work this way. We all deserve to make our own choices and find out the realities of life for ourselves.

We deserve to screw up and fail our way toward the best path for us.

ADJUSTING: YOU OR THE KIDS?

Dr. Carol

"Our son Ethan is 3 yrs old and when my husband asks for him to give him a kiss or hug him he refuses. He will easily give me kisses and hugs though. It seems like they are already starting to butt heads. My husband tends to use an authoritarian style parenting. He will tell him NO and then not listen to him or try to talk to him. It seems like its resulting in my son not having a close relationship with my husband. It really bothers me and I'm afraid its going to cause them to have further issues in the future. I don't know how to handle this, so I tend to get upset and then snap at my husband or I end up just taking over my son and handling his temper tantrums myself. I also know that taking over is also causing problems. So I try not to do that, but sometimes what he is doing to handle our son is just not working to calm him down or whatever. I know that I'm not perfect. I also have tendencies to be an authoritarian. I've been trying to work on this, but I'm not a very good communicator. In fact, neither of us have very good communication skills. I have a hard time communicating to my husband what I think without sounding like I'm telling him what to do. I was just hoping that maybe you had some suggestions."--   Troubled Mom/Wife

*

 

Dear Troubled,

 

 

I do have some suggestions. First, you need to know that your son is in a rough developmental stage. Saying no is one of his favorite things. At this age, children are trying to become individuals, separate from their parents. This is understandable since he's been dependent on you for everything. As he grows older, he needs to find his own ability to handle the world. At this point, he's alternates between defiant and clingy.

 

Developmental stages with similarities--all in the process of your child growing into independence--will reappear at roughly ages five to six, ten to eleven and fifteen to sixteen(the dreaded teen years). The challenge for parents at these times is to foster this forward growth while holding firm to a structure. Kids need consistency. It provides them with comfort, even when they're yelling at you.

 

The second part of the dilemma you're having now has to do with your relationship to your husband. Parenting is best when the parents are a team, working together to provide love and security. This requires parents to communicate, which you've indicated is a troublesome area for you. I think you and your husband would benefit from a few sessions with a therapist, just to work through the basics of listening to and understanding one another. If this isn't an option, then you need to address this yourself.

 

I suggest you listen carefully to what your husband wants for your son. I would guess this is not very different from what you want. You both love the kid and you want him to prosper personally and socially. Then, you need to ask your husband how he thinks you get in the way of his parenting. I know this is a difficult thing to ask and it will be even harder to really listen with an open mind to what he says. It's important, though. Resist the urge to defend yourself. After you've given him opportunity to tell you what he thinks, then tell him your concerns.

 

The two of you need to establish that you want the same things and then talk about your son's behaviors that are most concerning. Take a parenting course together to help equip you to parent most effectively. Parenting really brings out issues in a relationship and seeking help is very important.

 

This parenting gig is challenging and ever-changing. You need to be a team to do it really well.

 

*

ADJUSTING: YOU OR YOUR KIDS

 

Kids need to learn to fit into the world, but adults need to expect them to do this at the appropriate developmental moments. It's not appropriate for parents to expect a 10 month-old to stay on a rug, not crawling to touch other things in the room. Children need safe environments to explore. This is how they learn, by reaching out and discovering the world.

 

Rather than following a child around, saying "No, don't touch" (which is exhausting for the parent and both frustrating and confusing for young children) create an environment that allows the child to be safe and yourself to relax. Little kids just don't understand "No" beyond that you're angry with them.

 

Taking a child to a grownup movie past the child's bedtime, expecting youngsters to conform to fine dining environments or letting them run wild in public places, such as malls or department stores, only creates stress for the adults around you and failure for your children. As children grow older, they are able to comprehend more what is expected in certain environments.

 

Parents sometimes struggle with having to adjust their own lives to accommodate their kids, but this won't be required forever. When you chose to be a parent, you signed on to adjusting your life somewhat to the needs of your children.

 

Having children is one of the hardest things we do. Don't expect children--who haven't yet developed their life skills, to adjust more than you are.





CONVEYING RESPECT

Even if you feel loved, you may not feel respected.

While the term respect technically means to be valued, it also can mean being treated with courtesy and having certain rights, which is where the problems often come in. 

In the complexity of relationships, we need to both be respected and to respect, but that can be difficult.

Parents talk of their children not respecting them and I have to ask what exactly they mean by this term. Usually this involves a teen or preteen who back talks and doesn't do chores. Every now and then, parents seek help for dealing with adult children--some who live at home and some who don't--and before we can address the problems, we need to outline clearly both what you want and what you don't feel you're getting.

Respect is vital for healthy relationships. This involves seeing the other person as having worth and free will. The last part is often difficult because their free will effects us.

I've been married since I was nineteen and the relationship has been a fertile area of learning, let me tell you. Somewhere in the early years, I noticed that when you love someone, you're very affected by what they do and don't do...but even with this, others(and we) have free will. I don't get to tell my husband what to do or not to do.

He's an individual and he gets to decide what he does. My power lies in the reality that I get to choose to stay in the relationship or not, but I don't get to tell him what to do.

This is a delicate balance. Again, when you're in a loving, committed relationship, you don't have the right to tell your partner what to do. You definitely do have the right--and the responsibility--to let your partner know how his or her behavior effects you. If, say, he's flirty with other women and this bothers you, you need to let him know how you feel. You don't, however, have the right to tell him to cut it out. He gets to choose that, if he cares about his relationship with you.

We all want to be respected by those we love--that just means we want them to care how they're behavior impacts us.

Parents want their teens to care enough to listen to their cautions and directions. When you tell your kids not to text and drive, you want them to listen and respect your input on this. You want them to recognize that you do, in fact, know some things.

The tricky part of this is that, as a parent, you need to respect your kids, too. You need to listen to them(check yourself on this. Kids often don't feel listened to). You also need to acknowledge that your kids are making their own decisions--this needs to be part of your behavior.

But kids making their own choices is often really scary for parents. They mess up and make mistakes--sometimes distressing ones. But part of respecting your kids is letting them sort life out. Let them make mistakes--and this is important--let them suffer the consequences of those mistakes.

When one of my teen-aged daughters was caught skipping out on her job, her dad and I sent her straight to her work to talk with her boss. She had consequences and she had to deal with these, not us. The urge to shield kids often leads parents to interfering with their kids' learning.

Respect involves believing in the other person, be they lover, friend or child. We need to act as if we know the other person has the capacity to respond to life events.

Think of yourself when you were a kid--you resented your parents telling you what to do. You wanted them to believe in you and let you bumble your way toward learning.

Respect is complicated because we're so emotionally tangled up with each other. You want to be valued and you want your rights to be recognized. It can be hard, however, to do the same for the ones you love.

 

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

"I have 2 daughters. One is married with a baby and my older daughter is gay and has a partner.
When my youngest daughter was still in the hospital after the delivery of her son, her husband made sexual advances toward my older daughter-asking her if she had ever been with a man and saying that he'd been “thinking“ of her constantly. When we are together, he tries to spend as much 1 on 1 time as possible with my daughter. She's done everything to discourage him and she's very upset that he's done this. She and her sister are very close.

My married daughter has had a lot of trauma in her life. She was raped at 18 while attending college. She attempted to take her life after the incident (unknown to us). We only discovered this after the suicide death of our only son. She made some bad relationship choices after the rape, which included getting into an abusive situation.

My question now is--should my daughter tell her about her husband's advances?? She seems unhappy with him anyway--but we do not want to cause more conflict. Does she have a right to know?? They really have no sex life and she says he's not seemed interested in that aspect of their marriage. She has related this to me and my daughter on several occasions.

If your advice is that my daughter should tell her--we would not be involved  any way. We do not want her to know that we know about the situation. It would strictly be between my two daughters.

Please help us make a good decision! We do not want her to further traumatize her life. She deserved the "right" decision from us."--Concerned Mother

 

*

 

Dear Concerned Mother,

 

Whether or not she tells her sister about the husband's overtures is up to her, but she needs to consider some possible outcomes. People vary on whether or not they want to be told bad things about their mates. If your daughter tells her sister, her sister may flat-out refuse to believe her and the relationship between them will suffer. On the other hand, her sister might be upset if this infomation is withheld and she later learns of it.

 

Her sister's marriage is pretty bad as it is, but sis hasn't decided to leave him. Getting a divorce is a very personal decision and your married daughter has a right to do this in her own time--or not at all. If she wants to stay in a sexless, unhappy marriage, she gets to do that.

 

Either way, you're right to stay out of it. Your daughter needs to make the decision herself.

 

What you can do, however, is encourage your traumatized daughter to take care of herself. She deserves to get therapy to help her heal from her trauma and her bad relationship choices. Help this daughter see that you believe in her, that you know she has the capacity to live a fullfulled life. Then let her make her own relationship choices. Act like she's an intelligent, capable individual.

 

Your other daughter needs to take a strong stand with her sister's husband--she needs to tell him with conviction that his sexual advances toward her have to stop. In the strongest possible terms, she needs to indicate that they will be spending no one-on-one time and his continued pursuit of her will force her to let his wife know just what he's up to.

 

If he then continues to try to force his presence on her, she needs to level with her sister in the most matter-of-fact way. Her sister still may not believe her, but at least she'll have blown the dirty secret open.

 

**

 

I DON'T HAVE THE POWER (AND NEITHER DO YOU)

 

People often want to bring others in for therapy so I can straighten them out. Parents bring surly teens and five year-olds who throw tantrums. Husbands bring wives and wives bring husbands. Grandparents sometimes try to make appointments for their adult grandkids.

 

Others' issues are always very clear to us, but the reality is that we each get to direct our own lives. We get to choose whether or not we pay attention to our consequences and whether we change our behavior accordingly. Basically, we each get to be in charge of our own lives, even though it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

 

When I'm faced with a third-party bringing someone in for me to "fix them", I have to break the news that I don't have the power to change someone. This is usually a shock. Even clients who've come in because of their own issues, sometimes get frustrated that I don't have a magic wand to wave over them to make it all better.

 

What I do have is a clear perspective on whatever you're facing. And I can help you see your own struggles. I can also help you see your alternatives and the possible consequences of each of these.

 

You have mothers and partners and friends who are all eager to tell you just what you should do. That's not my job. I don't have the power to magically wean you from your bad habits; I can't make kids behave by just telling them they should(always frustrating to parents).

 

I am a pretty good listener, though, and that's not a small thing. Listening is huge and most of us struggle to do this with the ones we love.

 

You can listen without agreeing(always a big concern) and you can reflect back to the ones you love what you heard them say. You'll be wrong, at first, but with continued effort, the one you're listening to will manage to say what he means and you'll finally be able to hear him. This is a pretty big thing and it helps us be open to feedback when we think we're actually being listened to.

 

You have to accept first, however, that your brother/mate/son/friend has the right and power to direct his own life. He doesn't have to do it your way and you don't have the power or the right to insist that he see it your way.