CAREER CHANGE?

Making enough to keep a roof over your head and food on the table is good, but the time may come when you want more. Some individuals just fall into jobs and while these fit some, others feel trapped. Some individuals believe they can’t make the same amount of money at any other job. People often believe they are too old to start something new. However, these concerns don’t need to stop them from checking out possibilities. A friend in her sixties recently stated she wished she’d become a nurse instead of pre-school teacher. It’s when we don’t allow ourselves the freedom to explore ways to do what we want to do in life.   If you've been on a certain track for years, changing to a new career can be scary and complicated. Sometimes, the hardest thing is discovering what you want to do, instead of what you're doing. Where the heck do you start in figuring this out?

Think about what you like to do. While there aren't many jobs in playing computer/video games, you may have a hobby that you picked up because you have a knack. It can be difficult to assess what you're actually good at because most of us have a tendency not to be impressed with things that come naturally for us.

You may very well have a gift that indicates you're intelligent spatially or especially good with words. You need to ask those close to you, what they think are your best abilities. While your friends and family might have a hard time being objective about your future, their opinions can be helpful. You can start there.

The next step is to talk to someone who is objective--both about you and about the availability of jobs. Remember to take with a grain of salt the things said to you by individuals who are invested. Don't rely on the "counselor" at an expensive school or training facility to give you an accurate picture on the jobs open to you, if you trained there. Check it out yourself.

Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you sort through both what you have to offer and what you want from a new career. The therapist might very possibly have an idea what would be involved in such a career shift--training, relocation, job realities.

If you feel stuck where you're at, looking at other possibilities might be a good choice. After all, hating what you do and waiting around until your retirement can leave you bitter, unhappy and potentially too tired to do the things you've always dreamed of.

FAMILY ISSUES EXPLODE

Put a bunch of relatives together who have unresolved business, add in high expectations and you've got a holiday gathering that results in hurt feelings all around. The most joyous time of the year...

If alcohol and firearms are involved, this can be a deadly time of the year.

You have the highest expectations of the ones you love. They're supposed to know you and love you the best, but this is not always so. Some families don't have the tools to deal with explosive issues or some family members may try to bury hurts, trying not to ever face them again.

Don't count on these conflicts not coming up.

It can be difficult to come to terms with the reality that these differences can only be resolved when both or all family members involved actually decide to address the matter. Professional counseling can help. Some folks, however, don't think jealousies and hurts will ever be solved and they then think it best to never go there.

But buried challenges have a tendency to spring up when we least want them.

All the celebratory stuff that goes with holidays--indulging heavily in spirits and food--push tolerances to the edge. How many folks strategize and plan how they'll interact while driving to a family gathering?

Don't bring up whether cousin Brandon has a job yet or Don't mention that your mom's weight loss surgery doesn't seem to have slowed her eating down. 

It's not that you don't love these people. They're family and you might love them deeply, even if you don't like them. Challenges can abound, however. The range is remarkably typical: Rivalries between siblings, anger over children's or siblings life choices, money lent and not repaid. It can be as deep as how one deals with historical child abuse or as shallow as how different family members vote or spend their money. Some people struggle because their parents seem not to care about them and never really seem concerned about how their lives are going. Some individuals are frustrated by parents who can't seem to manage appropriate boundaries and want to tell them how to live their lives. 

As if getting all together wasn't difficult enough, throw in the giving of gifts. When individuals don't feel their relationships are equal or when they don't feel really loved, they tend to weigh with an eagle eye the money that was spent on gifts. Parents know this. Why do so many of us run around trying to get equal gifts?

Given the heavy family emphasis at this time of year, many people try to gather in spite of problems. They subscribe to the let's just pretend this isn't a problem now theory.

So, people can feel bruised after the holidays are more tense than they'd hoped.

Maybe January is a good time to start working toward resolving problems or at least work toward finding a personal decision on how you're going to respond. The holiday season comes once a year, but there are many celebratory opportunities throughout the year.

It might be time to give yourself the present of talking with someone about how best for you to handle these.

SOMETIMES DEFIANCE FEELS LIKE POWER

If you've ever been around a two year-old, you've seen defiance. At two and a half years, most children become excellent at saying "No!" From a developmental perspective, we know that kids this age are just learning to separate themselves as individuals. They protest and refuse almost everything and they usually do it loudly. These same kids typically have moments when they're clingy and struggle with separation.

Now, try to imagine a twenty-five year-old or a fifty year-old with the same kinds of behavior. Learning to experience personal power is very difficult because we don't always have the option to do just what we want without consequences. Think of the number of times you've wanted to whack your boss.

It's the same thing because sometimes when we're struggling to find our personal power, we fall back on defiance. Some people always feel powerless. These individuals often bully those they see as less powerful. Bullies always have a poor self-perception and struggle to feel power.

Some people spend their lives fighting whatever or whoever they see as having the power they can't get. Whether this involves breaking the law--like crotch-rocket motorcycle drivers who run from the law--or bashing others financially, emotionally or physically. Defiance feels like grabbing power, but personal power can't be stolen from you. You get to decide how you're going to function and, even in restrictive situations, you always have the right to choose your own actions.

Whether we're talking about kids beating up weaker kids on school playgrounds, mates beating up supposedly-significant others or stealing, these are moments with the ones misbehaving are trying to feel powerful. Think of all the ways individuals steal in this world--all power issues. Whether a salesperson is driven to get the sale out of a need to feel better or a boss puts down an employee, examples of perceived powerlessness are all around us.

Check yourself--if you feel you don't have options and you're trapped in a relationship or job, you need to find out how you're giving up your own choices. You may not be seeing your own power.

HIGH SCHOOL TO COLLEGE--MAKING THE LEAP

Being a kid can be both pretty cushy and really frustrating. The problem with being totally dependent on others(parents who love you) is that kids tend to secretly doubt they can make it on their own.

You parents might have praised every grade they got and made sure they received participation trophies, even when they didn't win, but this doesn't make your kids confident that they won't screw up big time. Parents don't tend to trumpet this to their kids, but we all fail sometimes. While this stings and is no fun, we find a way to deal with it and, if we're paying attention, we learn from failure.

When kids are growing up, they become resistant, risk-taking jerks who scare their parents weekly. They hang out with other kids their parents don't like and they secretly go places parents don't think is good. In addition to the really scary texting and socializing while driving, they sometimes get into using alcohol and drugs.

Parents get terrified when kids hit the teen years.

New flash--kids are terrified, too. They aren't sure they can break into the adult world, including earning an income and paying their own cell bills. It's at this age of bursting forth into adulthood that more and more kids develop intense anxiety symptoms. They have panic attacks and they cease to do things that used to come very naturally.

I've noticed that they higher kids' goals, the more likely they are to have anxiety.

As parents, we've gotten accustomed to cushioning the blows. We go with them to the principal's office and to the traffic court. We try to be there for them in ways that no one was there for us. As they head toward high school graduations or jaunt off to college, we look forward to cheering them on. They, however, may be having a hard time breathing.

This can still be a tough time.

It's a very scary tightrope for parents because kids don't need us to rescue them, even if that's what they ask for. We parents get to be reasonably supportive, but not encourage them to run from their responsibilities(legal or financial). We have to stand back, mind-channel belief in them and refuse to pick them up when they fall. They have legs; they can get up themselves. Kids need to know they can do this.

My own daughter--now an ER resident in Brooklyn--has bitterly said that nothing came easily for her. She didn't get the first job she applied for; didn't like the one she ended up with. The college she attended didn't award her with the full scholarship she tried for. She didn't get into med school the first time she tried and on and on. I'm sure she has a list of disappointments. Still, the kid has managed very well and now has a pretty good backbone. When she deals with snotty superiors and demanding patients, she's good at listening. She's also learned to let most of unfounded feedback roll away.

As parents, we know the scary roads they could choose, but we don't get to direct them. We do, however, need to believe in them. We need to convey that we know they can face their challenges, even if these are big. They need us to believe in them because they're having a hard time thinking they can really do these things. They need us to see them more accurately than they see themselves.

WORKING MY WAY OUT OF A JOB

After several weeks or months of therapy, some of clients just go away. And this is okay, although I do prefer them to cancel or just not reschedule. No shows are a waste of my time and are particularly frustrating when I have others waiting for open appointment times.

Still, I get it. Knowing how to leave the therapy experience can be difficult. Therapy is by nature a connected interaction. Regardless which particular theory any counselor subscribes to, they've all be trained to offer a sensitive, aware presence to clients. Therapists are taught to listen. We're trained not to judge because 1). it doesn't help the therapy process and 2). we all screw up sometimes. Some therapists are better than others at conveying warmth and acceptance--even when you struggle to accept yourself.

Seeking therapy can feel weird. Clients walk in, sit down and pour out their most personal struggles to a complete stranger. Weird.

If the therapist is good at her job, clients leave with both a feeling of having been accepted and with some insight about the difficulties in their lives. This is after all, the point of the whole thing.

I often tell clients that I'm in the business of working my way out of a job. I hope to assist to the point that clients no longer need to come in. It can be awkward, however, for clients to know how to leave. Some people grow beyond the struggles that brought them into therapy--they learn how to handle their challenges. Some decide they don't want to deal with--or can't decide how to deal with--the issues that brought them into therapy. So they stop coming. Of course, some clients just don't click with a therapist and don't get anything out of their sessions. This is usually evident to the client--although not always to the therapist--pretty early on in the relationship.

At the end of sessions, I habitually ask clients whether they want to call if they'd like to reschedule or if they want to set up a time then. I do this to avoid the impression that I'm in charge of this therapy--this is your situation and you have the right to decide how to proceed. Yes, I'm the highly-trained professional. I have no problem reflecting your dilemma and presenting the various options to the challenges you face. But I'm very aware that you get to drive your own therapy. This is your life and your call. It's totally your game.

Some clients, after developing a relationship with me as their therapist and having found value in returning for sessions, have a hard time knowing when to stop coming. I just want to say this--you can tell me when you think you don't need to come in again. I'm certainly okay with this. The whole purpose of our time together is for you to make your decisions/decide how to handle your complicated relationships/come to recognize ways to handle your depression or anxiety. When you're less distressed and ready to leave therapy, just tell me. I'm all good with that.

Sometimes when a client expresses success or improvement, I talk gently about seeing them every other week or about them calling me if they'd like to see me again. I don't do this because I'm tired of their problems or because I think they should handle things on their own. I just want clients to know that I'm okay with them not coming back.

The whole point of this thing is for you not to need me anymore. Some clients express anxiety at the thought of not coming back for their regular sessions. I always point out their successes and stress they can always call me, if difficulties again arise. I'm not going anywhere.

I love your feeling better. When you get tired of coming in or when your life is smoothing out, just tell me.

COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

"I have 2 sons and a daughter. My oldest son is married 10 years with 3 kids. His oldest is a step-daughter, who's 15. He also has 2 younger sons, ages 10 and 5.  When my daughter came to visit recently, I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She invited my daughter-in-law to go shopping with my granddaughter, her and me. When my daughter-in-law said she didn't want to go, my daughter's feelings were hurt, but she said nothing. We went ahead without my son's wife and my daughter insisted on paying for everything. Later, we took the boys on a day out and she paid for everything then, too.

When we were all at my house hanging out later, my granddaughter was disrespectful to her aunt (my daughter). Her aunt (my daughter) asked her to apologize, but she would not, walking out. My son then exploded, yelling at his sister. He said his step-daughter didn't need to apologize and that they were all leaving. I said my granddaughter should apologise for being disrespectful. My son got angry, saying that she was his child and she would never apologize. He asked how we dared 'gang up' on a 15 year old. When his wife and I tried to calm him down, he made a fist at me. He dragged my 10 and 5 years old out of the house, much to their surprise.

I don't know what to do now. I'm afaid I will not get to see my grandsons. My son kept them from us about 4 years ago, when he was mad at us . It made me almost suicidal. My daughter is upset about the whole mess, as am I. Things were said on both sides that are hard to forgive. But one thing I know for sure is that my granddaughter needs to apologize, as she's been rude to me, too. I let it go, but no more. I love her very much, but I won't see her until she apologizes. I think my son made things much worse. Please help us. I want to mend my family."--Distressed Grandmother

*

Dear Distressed,

 

You say you want to mend the family, but you're also very clear that you must get an apology from your granddaughter. Since your son reacted the way he did, you know that he won't be enforcing this with his daughter.

 

From your son's reaction to your daughter's run-in with his daughter, I suspect there are unresolved family issues. He may feel you've always favored her or that she's generally unfair to his step-daughter. I don't know. It's also possible that, since you were having a family get-together, he was drinking and , therefore, more belligerent. You seem convinced that your daughter was innocent in this situation and that your son is way out-of-line.

 

I suggest you talk with your son about this, with no one else present besides perhaps his wife. When I say talk to him, I really mean that you need to listen to his side of this. You may not agree with his take on everything, but you need to know where he's coming from. The granddaughter's apology isn't the biggest issue, from the sounds of it, and a forced apology is meaningless.

 

*

COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION

 

It is a sad fact that many do not understand the effect they have on others. Some people appear to view conversations as a lecture opportunity with them pontificating about whatever and the other person unhappily nodding once in a while. Lots of things can motivate this behavior--simple low self-esteem, anxiety with the people in the situation or chronic unawareness of others. Regardless, the one nodding generally won't want to interact again with the one lecturing.

 

The hardest thing--and the most effective tool--is to ask about and listen to the other person's life. If you want to create interactions that leave those you're speaking with looking forward to talking with you more, practice listening to them. Hear what interests them and what troubles them. Be able to echo back to them what they said to you and they'll know you heard them.

 

The best conversationalists make their listeners look good. Don't worry that you'll never be heard yourself. When someone sees you as engaged with them in their interests, they're much more likely to wonder what you have to say. 

YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

"My father has admitted to having an affair with a woman a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and even threatened to leave, but somehow they worked it out. However, he still seems to be seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours at a time, he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother home alone for extended periods of time. This other woman even comes to visit my parents' house when my mother is there, like they are friends. When I ask my mother about why they're sill in contact and why she's visiting their house, she doesn't want to talk about it. My father seems not to think he's doing anything wrong. Normally, I wouldn't get involved, but I'm concerned about my mother's health, which wasn't great to begin with and has gone downhill since this all started. I mentioned counseling to my mother, but she says she doesn't want to do it (and doesn't believe my father would do it.) But I know she's embarrassed and the situation upsets her. Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I feel like I have to do something given my mother's health, but I'm not sure what to do."--Concerned Daughter

*

 

Dear Concerned Daughter,

 

I understand why you're worrying, but I don't think there's much you can do. Your mom is an adult and she gets to decide how to handle her marital problems. This situation is a version of the parents of adult children worrying about their grown children's choices. Although you love your mom, you need to act on your belief in her being able(and having the right) to direct her own life.

 

Don't assume, though, that she's as distressed about this as you are. Some mates are relieved not to be required to perform their sexual duties. Others have seen their lengthy marriages settle into a life partnership that isn't particularly romantic. You just don't know. Even when her health issues make this situation more complicated, you still can't force or argue either her or your father into dealing differently with their marital issues.

 

This may not be the kind of marriage you--or I!--want, but we don't get to say what's best for your mom. Loving them doesn't give you the right to tell them what to do.

 

I am concerned, however, at how much you know about their situation. When you have no capacity to change an upsetting life drama, the less you know, the easier it is.

 

*



 

YOU HAVE POWER...EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL THAT WAY

 

Some situations and some relationships are very frustrating, particularly if you're directly involved. Even if you can't directly wave a wand and make things different, however, you still have choices.

 

Power lies in using our choices in the best way.

 

The key here is to consider the choices you do have--not just the ones you wish you had. Lots of people want their mates to be different and many have verbalized their complaints about different aspects of their mates' behavior. But we don't have control over others' function. You can't just flip a switch and make it all different.

 

The author and theorist Viktor Frankl survived WWII concentration camps, observing that the prisoners had ultimate control over how the lived, even in those harsh conditions. He commented that they had no ability to gain freedom or to decide who lived or died, but they could direct their own behavior. He talked of the power in making the choice to eat or share his scrap of bread.

 

We have ultimate control over us and our behavior.You can change your function. We have control over what we do and what we say. This is our greatest power. Think about how you participate in the situation that you hate--what you say and what you do. Altering these can have a big effect on your experience.

 

DEPRESSION AND MEDICATION

We live in a very complicated world and sometimes we get depressed. Many choose to take medications to help with this, but a recent Harvard study showed that depression medication--for those who are mildly to moderately depressed--has no more impact than that of a placebo. For the severely depressed, medication was found to have more effect.

For some time, professionals have recommended that individuals seek therapy for depression, along with medication. Some, however, don't tolerate medication and choose to forego it altogether. Others don't like how these medications make them feel.

For some time now, many have used the phrase "chemical imbalance", referring to the belief that those who are depressed have some sort of medical condition that leaves the depressed with no option other than medication. Clients have even reported to me that their physicians have told them they'll "have to be on medication" for the rest of their lives.

Pretty scary stuff, not to mention how expensive it can get.

Let's talk about depression--

Life Situations

We get depressed when we suffer losses--relationships that end, the death of loved ones, job losses or major life changes. I tell clients that sometimes depression makes sense. This can be the functional response to a very trying situation. 

Scary Moments Ahead

It is commonly recognized by professionals that big changes--even so called "good"ones--can leave us struggling with depression. Not all postpartum depression is due to hormonal changes. Sometimes we just feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped.

Teens can experience depression due partly to their being at a pivotal place in their lives. They can feel like their jumping off a very big cliff into grown-up responsibilities. For the first time, they are being launched into a big world with lots of expecations of them. Frequently, they have significant expectations of themselves. These are typically smart kids who comprehend that everything is changing. As with having a newborn child, depression at these moments can be more confusing because this is what you wanted! You wanted to go off to college, to create a life of your own. You dreamed of having a family. Why are you now feeling so blue?

The Highly Competent

Some individuals who seek help for depression have never before been in a situations they couldn't handle. These individuals are accustomed to having others call them strong, even in the face of big challenges. In their lives, they've always shoved aside feelings of sadness, discomfort and loss and soldiered on. They deal. These folks almost always have had some tough situations in their lives that they've handled--usually very well--and they are distressed and bewildered to find themselves suddenly struggling with depressed feelings that they can't shake. Often, they tell me that there is no reason for this depression, as their lives are great.

These are all transitional moments--even if you can't see anything changing. Sometimes, we feel weighed down by depression because we need to change something, need to tweak our internal perspective a little.There are those with severe depression who can find medication to be life-saving and some in the middle of major transitions need to use medication like they'd use a crutch with a broken leg.

Sometimes, you need help while you're doing some healing/shifting. There's certainly no shame in needing a crutch.

DARK, DIRTY SECRETS

Everyone has moments they're not proud of--mistakes they made or bad choices they regret. Some, though, have secrets they hide in shame. Clients sometimes tell me about these, confessing in hushed, halted voices to sins they can't forget or forgive themselves for.

They fear the consequences of these secrets ever becoming known, but more than this, they spend a huge amount of energy keeping these hidden.

For some time now, I've been a fan of the website postsecret(dot)com. In complete anonymity, individuals submit postcards with their secrets, some graphically conveyed as art and others simply scrawled out. They are sometimes heartbreaking and occasionally funny, but they always share a message the writer feels they couldn't tell the world. What grew from a simple experiment has become a worldwide phenomenon with multiple books, exhibits and tours.

All because we have secrets we feel are too shameful or too explosive to share.

At these various events, an opportunity is presented for attendees to come to a microphone and tell the audience their secret--aloud. It's like ripping off a Band-aid and those who've stood before the microphone say it's relieving, healing and very powerful.

That's the thing about secrets; it takes a lot of work to hide them.

When clients tell me their shameful secrets, these often fall into either things the individual as done or things that were done to them. The sad thing is that we tend to take responsibility for even those things that were done to us, as if somehow the victim caused the action. Individuals who have had mates cheat on them feel this way, fearing they somehow caused this to happen. People who were physically or sexually abused as children often feel as if they caused it. Somehow even if we didn't do the terrible thing, we can feel ashamed and dirty.

Some people become very good at distracting themselves and never thinking about their shame--except when it pops up, ugly and painful.

But darkness only makes secrets grow more powerful.

Keeping these guarded and boarded inside you takes a lot of energy. Energy that you could use to achieve your goals or that would simply help you relax. Even if you were the one who committed the crime, caused the terrible thing to happen or hurt someone else, forgiving yourself is the first step toward learning from that horrible moment.

And learning from your choices and mistakes helps you to move forward. It salvages the good from a bad situation.

Secrets can pull us under. It's important not to let the darkness claim you. Even those who sin--who make bad, bad choices--can learn and move forward.

HOW TO FORGIVE

"My husband and I have a happy healthy relationship for the most part, but it changes when he goes to work.  He works out of town every other week and it seems like every time he leaves we start arguing.  The minute he gets home we are as happy as can be.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I know I'm mostly the cause of it all and I just want help to get through this.  What do I need to do?"

*

 

First off, accept that you miss him terribly when he's gone. You say that you know you're the cause of the arguments, so I'm guessing you start the fights, for the most part. Maybe you get really prickly when he's about to go.

 

Ask yourself how you feel about this job of his that takes him away every other week. Do you feel resentful that he hasn't changed to a job that would allow him to live with you all the time? Be honest with yourself and don't beat yourself up, regardless of your answer to the question. We shut down our own self-processing when we label ourselves as wrong or bad for feeling a certain way.

 

His being gone half the time may leave you feeling abandoned and unloved. Even if you believe with all your heart that he loves you, you can still feel unloved at those moments.

 

You may think his staying with the job is the best option, but that doesn't mean that a part of you isn't upset about it.

 

Then, focus hard on conveying to him just how much you love him when he's about to leave. Think of what you'd want to say and do if you were never going to see him again. You'd want him to really know how much you love him. This is when choice guides behavior, not feeling. If you go by how you're feeling when he's packing up to leave--again--you'd let everything rip. But this is when you don't base your actions on how you feel. You choose to behave in a manner different from your emotions.

**

 

HOW TO FORGIVE

 

Few of us haven't been battered a little by this life. Forgiveness becomes an issue when you've suffered an injury either done by some random fool--say in the case of being the victim of crime--or by someone you love.

 

We've seen the stories on television of a relative forgiving the one who murdered a loved one and this is admirable. But most of us feel damaged greatest by the people who we had thought loved us. This can cause incredible pain and can lead you to feel stupid because you didn't see it coming. You never thought the one you loved would do this(whatever) to you.

 

He or she might have left you or stole from you and then left you or cheated on you. Regardless, you probably have had vengeful thoughts that may have involved doing harm to the person you thought loved you.

 

Then--just look up getting revenge online--you have people tell you to forgive for your own sake.

 

They just don't tell you how to do this. So I'm giving a few tips on this very difficult issue.

 

There are two types of forgiveness: Unilateral--you forgiving because you don't want this injury eating you from the inside--and requested forgiveness. When forgiveness is requested, you might want to give it, hoping to put the traumatic moment behind you two and get back to being loved. Don't succumb to the urge without some careful thought.

 

Unilateral Forgiveness:

 

This is really about loving yourself. When you harbor anger and hatred toward another, you're using a tremendous amount of your energy. It takes a lot of power to maintain anger at a big level. You could find better uses for your internal power than giving it to someone who has already offended you.

 

Forgiveness in no way says that whatever the other person did is okay with you. Injuring or betraying another person diminishes the one doing the harm. It's not okay.

 

Trust me, it isn't personal. When a human being harms another, it usually isn't about the one harmed, but is more about the one doing the harm.  Yes, it feels very personal, but the other guy is usually all caught up in his own damage. The harm done to you is collateral and is more about him.

 

Requested Forgiveness:

 

Lots of people deal with this when a lover cheats on them. You  may also want to forgive in this case because you really want to put the ugliness behind you. I need to point out that you can only forgive a cheating lover when something in the relationship will be or is different. Really different. You need to talk more openly, address issues that you haven't known how to approach or haven't wanted to address.

 

Things have to be different...or they're not.

 

This kind of forgiveness requires a complete openness--and refusal to defend--from the cheater. All passwords must be offered up; the cell phone has to be available for snooping at any time. There is--in this case--no privacy. Once you've been cheated on, you're understandable suspicious. It's just part of the mess. After all, you don't know what's real anymore.

 

The "no privacy" thing usually diminishes after a while (long, long while), but the cheater isn't trusted initially.

 

If you've experience infidelity in a relationship, there are issues that need to be resolved. It can be hard to do this because it feels a little like blaming the victim. I'm not doing that. The one who unzipped the pants is the only one responsible for cheating. However, even the victim in this case has had some say in the state of the relationship.

 

Follow me here--if you have no responsibility for what's happening in the relationship(before cheating), then you have no power. This isn't how it works. Responsibility and power are linked. The issues between you two need to be addressed if anything is going to be different. And if you're going to forgive, things need to be different.

 

Forgiveness lifts a psychic load off your shoulders. It's better for you, and that's the best motivation.



YOU GET TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

Let's just start off by saying there are usually many right ways to accomplish whatever, but many individuals still insist they're right about pretty much everything.

Admittedly, being right feels good. We're like kids in the classroom, eagerly raising our hands when we know the answer. We love winning--being right!--so  much that many of us are tempted to cheat to get there.

There are unfortunately lots of times in life when we don't know the answer. The more experience you have, the more chance that you'll run into situations that don't even have a right answer, but many of us deal with this uncertainty by sticking to our answers--our solutions to most everything. No where is this more evident that politics and parenting. If we're not very aware, we can end up trying to shove our perspective down others throats.

This never gets us what we want. Ever. But it's hard to resist.

The biggest area in which we insist we have the answers is in parenting, particularly parenting teens or young adults. Let's be honest, the young often have limited views of life and, yes, they screw up. You've been through various situations in your life and life has taught you a thing or two. Sometimes harshly.

So when a younger person that you love is heading in what you fear is the wrong direction, you can insist that your way/your perspective/your answers are the right ones.

Just let me ask, when your parents tried to tell you as a young adult what you needed to do, did you appreciate it? Did you listen or shut them out? And when you're in a dilemma now and your friends insist on telling you what to do, don't you tend to ignore them?

We human beings have a strong need to create our own fates. We don't want others telling us what to do, no matter how invested they are. As a therapist, I occasionally see clients who want me to give them the answers--tell them what to do. I resist this kind of question because I respect your right to decide on your own answers. No one should tell you what you should do. The irony of this is that clients do what they want, no matter what their therapist or parents or friends say they should do.

This is how it should be.

When young adults--or older adults!--are floundering, it would be a relief(we think) to have someone hand us answers, but it doesn't work this way. We all deserve to make our own choices and find out the realities of life for ourselves.

We deserve to screw up and fail our way toward the best path for us.

QUESTIONING YOURSELF

We focus a lot on resolutions at the first of the year--often the same ones every year--and after getting a gym membership and a personal trainer, subscribing to a diet service or promising ourselves we'll live better lives in various ways, we often fail. Let's admit it, sometimes we suck. We don't tell our bosses or our loved ones the truth, we speed(admittedly a flaw and joy of mine), we are crabby towards the ones we love the most and we don't take care of ourselves physically.

In the middle of this brutal honesty about ourselves, it's important to see the full picture. Questioning yourself isn't fun, but it's important to do. Haven't you always looked at others being stupid and said you hoped you're never that self-deluded? To avoid self-delusion, it's helpful to have honest, loving people around you, but it's most important to question yourself.

This isn't pleasant, as it almost always involves acknowledging to yourself the things you could have--and need to next time--done differently. Kind of brutal. This self-questioning is a great habit in that it helps you become a better person, if you'll really work toward personal honesty. But personal honesty involves something even harder than acknowledging your mistakes.

Give yourself credit.

While you probably defend yourself to others(who may seem to be attacking you), acknowledging the good things about you can be difficult. Weird, isn't it? Most of us are quick to deflect when others give us compliments, whether we think this just makes us look humble or whether we really don't believe the nice things they say. We can more easily make of list of our faults than of our strong points and this means we struggle to view ourselves objectively.

No one gets better than me how easy it can be to react emotionally to life--subjectively. Being objective means viewing situations and ourselves without giving a slant. Just seeing it as it is. Not good or bad, but as it really is. Now, there will be moments when you're a stinker. We all are, sometimes. But there will be other moments when you're pretty decent, too.

You don't have to drag a victim out of a burning house or lift a car off an injured driver to be kind to someone else. These are wonderful moments, but not everyone gets to shine like this and fire may scare the bejeezus out of you.

Sometimes, kindness takes different, gentler, everyday forms. Smiling at the cashier, even when he's slow or gives you the wrong change. Being decent to the cop who stops you for speeding(again, my downfall). Or not reacting angrily when you've told your twelve-year old niece/cousin/child/brother/neighbor a dozen times not to play their video game/music so loud when you're sleeping after having worked the night shift.

Give yourself credit for the times you've kept your temper, even if you lose it way too often, in your own estimate. Acknowledging that you've messed something up doesn't mean you've messed everything up.

Some people drank and drove on New Year's Eve. Some of them had never done this before or don't do it routinely. They may have killed or hurt someone; maybe themselves. This is a sad, sad situation and, while it shouldn't ever happen, few would say that the drunk driver was all bad. Even people on Death Row for their crimes aren't all bad. They, like those who drove drunk, have big regrets, but they aren't worthless.

I am amazed by the number of people who sit in my office and tell me they're worthless. These are people who are loved and loving, for the most part. When I ask if they've hurt or killed others, most tell me no. They pay their taxes, work jobs(when these can be found) and are generally upstanding citizens.

But they don't give themselves credit for any of this. 

Self-delusion is a bad thing, but that includes not acknowledging your strengths. Question yourself. It's a good habit, but along with your faults, don't forget to see how you benefit the world, too.

LIVE LIKE NO ONE'S WATCHING

Our behavior is often influenced by our belief that others are watching, criticising and judging us. This anxiety often constricts and narrows our perspective. We don't get to the simple choice of "what do I want to do here" because we worry about how we're viewed by others.

Don't get me wrong--others' matter a whole bunch. We need, however, to get in touch with our own inner voice and we need to worry less about what someone else may think.

This self-consciousness is based on an inaccurate belief--others really aren't watching as much as you think. Most often, the people around us are engaged in worrying about themselves and their lives. Whether they are consumed with thoughts about their relationships, their kids or their jobs, other people are almost always not looking at you.

In the last decade or so, the number of people seeking therapy due to anxiety-related symptoms has increased. This may be due to our growing sense that hostile others can invade(or take) our lives or we might have money and/or job concerns. Regardless, a lot of us are worried.

We lose sight of the fact that we are competent individuals, capable of many amazing things, of bravery and acts of great kindness.

Yes, you. You have these capacities. You're probably very aware of your failures and you flaws. You can list the situations you've screwed up. These moments are vivid in your mind. If I ask, however, for a list of your successes--of the challenges you've overcome--you'll probably struggle to acknowledge these.

There are people in this world who hurt others--the Newtown, Connecticutt massacre, for instance. Times that humans act harshly toward other humans, often the innocent, but although these catch our attention and appall us, the percentage of individuals doing these heinous acts is small.

Most of us are actually pretty decent.

Some people tell me they've had no successes. I disagree. From the greatest--forgiving those who've hurt you or diving into complex, challenging situations--to the smallest--just showing up to my office--you're making successful choices all the time. You need to give yourself more credit. You've earned it.

Most people want to disagree with this, listing their failings. Yes, we do all fail. Sometimes spectacularly. This doesn't mean we're worthless, though. We humans learn through failure. Don't beat yourself up over how you've messed up, learn from it.

There are moments when--if we thought no one was watching--we'd do bad things, but we also have, in our most pure moments, times of great bravery and selflessness. We lift burning cars off the injured, we rush to save those being threatened. We may not all have these big moments of bravery, but we reach out to others who are hurting.

We do hard and scary things.

So, be silly and goofy sometimes. Be brave. Be yourself, the person you want to be.

Believe in yourself and in your capacity to negotiate this world, even when things are tough.

HOLIDAYS AND FAMILIES

The holiday season can be joyous and filled with fun.

It's supposed to be a big family time of the year, whether you go to church together or focus more on the secular side of things. Some families, however, have difficult times. Alcohol and togetherness can bring out unresolved issues and make getting together a very stressful experience.

Even when there are no chemical dependency issues and you all get along together, families can find gift-giving challenging when money and expectations collide. Many are now trying to get out of crushing debt, while others deal with fatigue over money issues by spending more freely. What if these two attitudes are in the same family and one gives socks and pajamas while the other side hands out Ipods? This is even more of a challenge if unemployment enters the picture or if one sibling feels parents favor another child.

However you look at it, a supposedly joyful time can be fraught with stress.

There are some who find that family isn't necessarily and safe or happy place to be. These individuals are often left trying to find a way to spend December 25th and struggling to fit into what seems like a world obsessed with the holidays.

It's not all snow and mistletoe for everyone.

Particularly for those with fractured families. Some people have already come to terms with their toxic experience with relatives, but others struggle forward, not wanting to accept that things may not be all rosey when they sit down around the turkey(or Tofurkey). Many people spend time and too much money with relatives, trying to feel normal--which is to say happy--when they feel anything but.

For some individuals, they just feel they need a place to go...and you're supposed to spend the holidays with your family, right?

Like all of human experience, families aren't perfect. We need to strive to fix ourselves and our relationships, but relationships are made up of more than one person...and not all are motivated to address problems.

If your family experience is anything but enjoyable, you can spend the holiday time donating your resources to help the less fortunate. Or you can create your own family, spending time with the people who do contribute to your life. Friends often feel like family.

Perhaps we need to broaden our definitions of what the holidays are about. Not just gift-giving(or getting), but a time to play, to minister to others and to recharge our batteries. However you do that.

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

"I was involved in an relationship when I was only 24 years old with a girl who had just completed her high school education. She got pregnant and we had a baby girl. Being a person who is a victim of family breakup, I decided to take her as my wife.

Now the problem is that I believe our relationship was not based on love, but on infatuation and lust and that was by me. Her position was that she breakup with me, but I forced on her and she almost left for her home village. I tried by all means to break the move and I managed. We got married through the traditional way. During that time that I was supposed to pay dowry, she got pregnant for the second born and we were blessed with a baby girl.

From that time, we are not agreeable. We just argue and she has insisted for the third time that we should go our way. I have always objected to this. I am writing this email after we had a discussion. We didn't agree, but I told to consider me a husband and have respect for the family. I even told her that if she wants to be with me, she better follow my instructions. If not ready then the door are always open.

 

My question is this forcing marriage on her"? Please help. I feel helpless. She does not care for me. We have three children. My father and mother divorced in 1983 when I was just 5 years old.

The bottomline is I spend most or all of my time trying to make the relationship work to no avail. I love her and I don't want the kids to go through what I went through."

*

 

Dear Distressed Father,

 

Just because you two disagree, doesn't mean your wife doesn't love you. Has she told you she doesn't care for you? From what you wrote(praise to you for knowing even this much of a foreign language),  it's clear that you love your children and you're very concerned that they not have the same experience you had as a boy. I don't know if your dad stayed in your life or what difficulties followed the divorce, but parents separating can be hard on kids.

 

If the two of you fight all the time, though, your children have a rough home life, even now. You've tried arguing, insisting and demanding your wife do things your way and these aren't working. Either you need to learn to listen to her complaints--and stop trying to force her to follow you--or you need to let her go.

 

Being a divorced father doesn't mean you have to be an absent father. You can still see your kids regularly and be a loving dad, even if you don't live with them. Divorce is hard on kids, but having parents who fight and argue all the time is worse. 

 

**

 

LEARN FROM EVERY CRISIS

 

Bad things happen in every life--some of these caused by us and some the results of random events. If we did something foolish or didn't realize the results of our choices, we can feel very badly about causing a crisis in our lives. Every one of us messes up sometimes. It's part of existing on this planet.

 

Random events also happen. We certainly don't deserve everything we must deal with. Sometimes the innocent suffer, but suffering isn't just for the blameless.

 

The important thing to remember is that we need to learn from every one of these bad situations. Whatever our personal crises involves, we need to meet our challenges with an open mind. What can I learn from this? Some crisis are initiated by our own actions--by what we do or don't do--but wallowing in regret is a waste of energy. Acknowledge the feeling. Own it, but don't swim in it too long.

 

Even if we didn't ask for these situations by making questionable choices, we still can always look to the learning. Difficult situations lead to loss, heartbreak and loneliness and these can lead to some pretty unhealthy coping mechanisms. This is where we can learn. Sometimes, the greatest learning is in how we respond to challenges.

 

We tend to bemoan difficult situations and often blame ourselves, even when we could have done nothing to change the events. Bemoaning is understandable, but nothing is gained by beating yourself up. There are choices you'd make differently, of course. But learning from the situation can be blocked when we're so disgusted with ourselves that we're unable to take an objective look at where we are.

Be honest with yourself, but don't be cruel. Finding the right balance will help you take whatever positive growth you can from your challenging moments.

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

"My stepson is ten, and has no boundaries. At his mothers home, he's allowed to watch any rated show and movies and play any kind of video games any time and as long as he wants. He's allowed to wander the neighborhood and go to the store with friends or alone. He eats and drinks whatever he wants anytime. When he doesn't want what's been made, he's made something else at his mother's. At our home, he's not allowed to have any of these freedoms, and he's disrespectful when he is made to come visit his father. He whines incessantly about how boring it is and how lame we are. He paces the house, saying he's bored.

 

 He talks my daughter(shes 8yrs old), his half sister, into asking one of us if  'they' can do something she wouldn't normally ask for because she knows she not allowed to. I don't know if he thinks she'll get us to say okay.  He complains that he 'hates the cello!' his sister plays, instead of just going somewhere else while she practices. He hates the kind of music we listen to, so he makes rude points about it, as well. If he doesn't like what we have to eat--even if we make something just for him because he's said he likes it--he just doesn't eat or he asks for one thing, then sneaks a bunch of bananas or puddings and eats them until they're gone. Then, when he goes home, he tells his mom we didn't feed him.

 

Its becoming a lot to handle, even though they are little things to some people. He does this kind of thing constantly. It's disrupting our whole household when he's over, no matter how much we do to make him comfortable. He's been doing all this for the last 5 years and his mom doesn't make him come over to his dad's on all the times his father is supposed to get him because she says he doesn't want to come over or he's 'sick'. His being 'sick' has been the main excuse for the last 8 years.

 

My husband can't make her make him come over more often, if she's using the sick excuse. We don't know what to do. We've both talked nicely to his mom about it, trying to get him more often, but she just says to let him do what he wants and he'll be happy when he's over. But we shouldn't have to bribe him or change our rules for him. We know he shouldn't be allowed to do some things that are not age appropriate, but if she won't help and he won't listen to us, what are we supposed to do? Please help."--Frustrated Stepmom

 

*

Dear Frustrated Stepmom,

 

I get that you're upset with your stepson and his mom, but I'm not sure I understand his father's role in all this. Most kids have rules, but they usually feel a connection with their parents that makes them overlook rules they don't like. This is what I'm not seeing in what you've written. Where's your husband? Is he involved with his son? Do they play together? Does his son feel loved by him, even though he doesn't like what you're having for dinner?

 

Your stepson's mother and the way she parents can't be changed. At least, not by you. But your husband's interaction with his child should probably be given some more focus. This is his son. The kid cares more about him than you. Your husband has the best position to deal with his son not wanting to visit with him.

If your husband has been involved, but his son is still rejecting for whatever reason, it might be time to let his son go for the betterment of your family. We all get to make choices and your step-son has the right to reject his father's new family. Your husband could be involved with his son--which is important for them both---by going to his son's games or school events, without everyone having to suffer with weekend visits. Kids at ten are really caught in the middle you. Neither his father nor you can stop his mom from creating this situation, if that's what she's doing .

 

**

 

LET'S BLAME THE MOM

 

Not long ago, I saw a piece in a newspaper that discussed a certain death row inmate. He'd done some awful things and he was facing the ultimate consequence. In this article, it was reported that his lawyer was attempting to get the inmate's sentence changed, saying his mother had been mean to him.

 

Mothers are human beings and sometimes humans do terrible things. Sometimes to their own offspring. This is true of both fathers and mothers, but somehow female parents bear a bigger expectation.

 

I know from my clients that a fair number of us have had mothers who are difficult in various ways. Some mothers kill their children; others abuse them or let third parties abuse them. Most of us with difficult mothers haven't had to deal with that extremity of bad parenting, but let's just say that sometimes parents--of both sexes--can be a real pain.

 

Loving parents are a tremendous gift. We come into the world naked and completely dependent. Children are vulnerable--if sometimes annoying--individuals. Kids deserve to be loved and cherished and placed at the highest priority. Heck, we all deserve this, no matter our ages, but kids are weaker and smaller. Moms and dads have great power by virtue of the fact that we are so impacted by them.

 

I don't know how many times I've been discussing a difficult parent situation with an adult and when I ask why the client tolerates this, I hear "But she's my mother." Moms are supposed to love you. That's what we expect.

 

I say let's give the dads some of this power. Studies show that girls do better in school if they have active fathers in their lives. Dads are very important and they're just as responsible for parenting as moms. Too often, the mom still pushes the stroller and still does most of the parenting. This is changing, thank goodness, and guys are getting more into the parenting picture, but we have a way to go.

 

Regardless of what kind of parenting you did or didn't have, you get to be responsible for how you live your life. This is not to say that some of us haven't had it bad. We have. But each individual has the power to make choices. Whether those lead to Death Row are not is up to you.



REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING

"I want help from you to save our marriage. We had a love marriage based on understanding each others feelings. We love each other a lot but still a lot of things are going wrong. My hubby has no time at all. We've been married two years and we haven't spend a single whole day together. All the time he is busy. I agree that he has work, but one day in a year isn't manageable? I want his time, but he has no time for me. When he returns home from work, he sits watching TV. If I try to touch him or speak to him, he says move, let me see that programme. He kiss me only in bed, once before and once after sex. He doesn't try to know if I am satisfied in bed. If I tell him I'm not satisfied, he says it's because I' not interested in having sex with him. If by chance any romantic scene comes on the TV, he changes the channel immediately if I am with him. If I'm not there, he will watch it. I wonder if he's the person who shared and cared my feeling before marriage. I feel lonely at home without him. This makes me cry so many times. When he sees me crying, he asks why I'm crying. He asks what torture he's given me to make me to cry like that. He says I don't want to live with him. He tells me to leave him and go, that he will live without me. He says our marriage is going to break one day, if I continue to cry like this. But I cry for him only, because I miss him. If I tell him we should go out, he says it would be odd to roam like lovers. I've tried to explain him my feelings to him, but then he says again that I should leave if I'm so unhappy. I don't know how to tell him that what I need is him and his time. Please help me. Am I wrong? Am I a bad wife? I do all that I can to love him. I don't think I'm wrong in any way. Am I crazy? Inspite of all this, I think he really loves me. but something is going wrong."--Lonely Wife

*

 





Dear Lonely Wife,

You say your husband loves you, but you also said over and over that you don't feel loved. You and your husband have fought about your crying, but have you told him that you want him to spend more time with you--without the television on? You want to save your marriage and I understand that, but I'm not sure that you and your husband want the same thing.

If he works hard, he's probably trying to de-stress by watching television. Even so, this relationship isn't giving you both what you want and marriages that don't do this, don't usually last.

##

 

 

REMORSE? EXTRACT THE LEARNING





 

Everyone makes mistakes. We all fail sometimes. We lose jobs or relationships, sometimes because we've screwed up.

 

I trained under a man who claimed to have no regrets, but I think this attitude blocks our learning. I've made stupid choices, trusted the wrong people and headed down blind alleys. I think this is part of the human condition--we all make mistakes, but I think we limit ourselves if we don't take these opportunities to learn.

 

It doesn't help to get lost in regret. Even if we've hurt others and damaged ourselves, we need to look around for the good. This can be very difficult if the situation if we feel tremendous remorse, but every rough time has its lessons. You're short-changing yourself if you don't get the lesson. Why? is a great question, if you don't load it with blame and self-hatred. You need to understand why you did whatever you did, but the learning will be blocked if you wallow in beating yourself up. Try to be objective about it. I know this can be very difficult, if you've messed up pretty badly, but if you want to be a better person, you need to look at your choices without ugly emotions.

 

Take a deep breath and look at the choices you made. Ask yourself why and don't settle for any answer that's a variation of "...because I'm an idiot."

 

We all have some basic emotional needs--we want to feel special, to be loved, to feel vindicated. We want to achieve...and sometimes we trample other people to get to our goal. We struggle with self-belief and self-involvement. We have a hard time seeing others' perspectives, particularly when they're different from our own.

 

But you're not a total screw-up.

 

Think of it this way--you're not allowed to say anything about yourself that you wouldn't say about your best friend, in the same situation. And don't tell me your best friend wouldn't do something like you've done because we all make bad choices sometimes. All of us.

 

Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you think whatever you did--or didn't do--is okay. It doesn't mean you'd make the same choice again. It just means that you're still a worthwhile person. Looking at yourself without blame allows you to take from the situation all the learning that's there for you. This is important because you don't want to be here again.

 

EXTRACT LEARNING FROM MISTAKES

"I would like some advice on a situation that happened 20 years ago. When I first started dating my wife our children, my 10 year old daughter and her 12 year old son had some sexual acting out.

We immediately took action and sent the boy to a treatment center for a year. My daughter went through five years of counseling in her teens for other reasons but the acting out was discussed. It involved oral sex and my daughter tells me now it was aggressive behavour on my step sons part.

The problem is this, she is now going to have a child and does not want her step brother to be around the child. I feel like I am in the dark. I did not think two children acting out could be called sexual abuse but she is insistant that is what happened. That she is the victim and he the predator But her stance to split the family over it does not seem healthy.

I of course want to be sensitive to my daughter but I do not want to be subject to emotional black mail. If she is truly dealing with this, she should be healing and forgiving.

At the same time I am having a problem with the monster she is making her step brother into when they were both kids at the time and it seems different to me than an adult and a child.

Please advise me of how I should view the situation and what healing steps to take."

*

Dear Dad,

 

First off, I want to commend you for sending your step-son for treatment. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, but getting him help was smart.

 

Secondly, the state of Texas(where I'm located) considers it sexual abuse/assault when there was at least a two-year age difference between the victim and the perpetrator. According to the law, this wasn't just "sexual acting out" between kids. Your daughter was a victim. Children are very aware of the power differential when someone is older they are. (This is why they lie to their parents, at times.) The difference in age meant that she felt less powerful than he and unable to stand up to him.

 

Irregardless, the issue here is one family member being uncomfortable around another.

 

You can't just tell her to get over it. Healing isn't necessarily visible on the outside. I think forgiveness is often mistaken for us acting as if the offense never happened. She doesn't need to let the situation control the rest of her life. She may have decided to allow the laws of the land and the universe to deal with him. However, it's possible to move on and not cling to the victim stance without welcoming the offender back into your life. Actually, it usually makes more sense.

 

I recommend that you not insist on seeing your daughter and grandchild when your stepson is there. Respect her experience and make other arrangements. This shouldn't be a big deal. With family members being strung across the country and adult kids having multiple family obligations, parents often have multiple holiday celebrations.

 

**

 

 

EXTRACT LEARNING

 

Bad things happen in every life. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we live to regret these, but the important thing is to learn from every one of these bad situations. We can't avoid slipping and falling. Sometimes we handle our parenting situations all wrong. We do something stupid at work. We really foul up our relationships.

 

Guilt and regret are the by-products of poor choices, but don't let these feelings get in the way of your learning. It's a sad fact that humans don't generally learn by someone telling us stuff; we have to make the wrong choice before we understand that it's the wrong choice.

 

When you do something stupid, there's a lesson to be learned, something important to take from the situation. If you spend your energy on wishing you'd done something different (understandable, but not helpful) or hating whatever lousy thing occurred in your life, you miss the lesson that's there for you. Every choice you make has consequences. Some of these consequences are wonderful and terrific. Some aren't. Before you give yourself heck for the bad choices you've made, take some time to examine the moment.

 

What was going on with you at the time of your bad choice? If you respond that you're just stupid or that you must have had your head up your posterier, then you're still struggling to get to an objective point of reference on this thing. Everyone screws up. Repeat this, Everyone screws up! There's no perfect life, no human being on this planet who hasn't messed up. Doesn't matter how smart you are, we all make bad choices.

 

Then try your best to look at what was happening to you when you messed up. Were you anxious, frustrated, unhappy with your job or your marriage, feeling like your actions didn't matter, anyway? I'm not recommending you find excuses, but that you take into account the full picture. I'm not saying It's okay that you did this bad thing because you were upset. We've already established that the choice had unfortunate consequences. Not okay! You don't want this result again.

 

If you really want to move forward, to take all the learning you can get from the choices you've made. We are fortunately pretty good at generalizing learning, so we don't have to make every bad choice in the universe. So, look at your experience and try to understand what was happening in your head. The more you understand, the more you can ensure that the bad thing won't be chosen again.

 

Then forgive yourself. Again, not saying that it's okay when the choice obviously wasn't okay, but that you're okay. Every one of us have difficult times, days when we feel crabby and unhappy, times when we're not totally focused. Even those of us with big jobs, big responsibilities and big expectations.

 

Forgive yourself by understanding the experience you were having and the situations into which you put yourself. Learn what you need to learn, then give yourself a break.