TOO AVAILABLE?

Break-ups are painful, particularly if you don’t want to break-up with your significant other. And few things are black-and-white. Maybe you can work it out. Every relationship has bumps along the way. You might have done or said some stupid, unkind things and you’re sorry for these. If your partner is walking away, it’s understandable if you want to beg him to stay.

If he’s willing to work through the relationship conflicts the two of you had, that’s a different thing. You and your former mate can work on fixing what was broken in the relationship. Jump in with both feet and start working on the problems, by all means, but you need him to be as committed to this as you are.

This can’t happen if she’s already seriously dating, living with or married to someone else. Don’t fall for the line that she’s been hurt and she wants to make sure you’ve changed before she ends whatever other relationship and gets back with you. Don’t keep working at this, if she’s not working on it, too.

Hope may keep you hanging in, but be very careful you’re not waiting around, running to do whatever your former partner wants because you want to keep the relationship going. Don’t be too available.

This sounds wrong, I know. After all, you want to be available. You want to get back together and for things to go back to like they were when you first fell in love. There may be stuff you’ve continued apologizing for. You want to patch this up.

Still, don’t be too available.

When your ex asks a favor or calls to tell you about her life or wants your take on things that happen with her dates, it may warm your heart as much as it is hard to hear about the dates. After all, you want your ex to turn to you, to seek you out and want to talk to you. You’re still in this thing. You might be really glad to get a call and relieved when she seems to need you.

But you being too available not only gives your ex the illusion that he can have his cake and eat it, too, it tortures you with possibilities that may not be founded. If you give the message that you’ll take whatever scraps he throws your way, you’ll probably continue to get scraps.

Don’t give the impression that you don’t have a life. Make sure you have a life. Make friends. Get a new hobby. Move forward. Don’t just tread water. Yes, I know you want this relationship, but you’ll be a much more attractive mate if you go on with your life.

Don't just hang around waiting. You deserve better.