SON OR HUSBAND?

A reader writes: "I was married and divorced two years later because there was no understanding with my first husband. We mutually agreed to divorce, after which my infant son and I stayed with my mother. Nine years later, the man I worked for proposed marriage. I took some time to decide as he was already married and had two kids. I finally agreed to marry him.

As we work together and I travel on business with him alot, I depended on my husband's first wife to care for my son. Initially, this seemed okay, but after a few months, she began harassing my son. She complains about him to my husband and she kept my child outside. My son stayed with a colleague for a week because my husband's first wife wouldn't let him in the house.

My husband supports his first wife, saying my son is not good, that his culture isn't good and his blook is bad. We argue. My son is only 12. Once when my husband was drunk, he started arguing in front of everybody. He said my priority was my son, not my husband. He started beating him. I was afraid and, early that morning, took my son to my mother's place before coming back. My mother is now caring for him. Because of the pressure in my house, I keep my son at my mother's. If I don't, I know my husband's first wife won't feed him or care for him. How can I keep him with her?

My husband--also my boss--loves me. Although I have learned a lot after marrying him, I have not completed my formal education. My husband has taught me many things at work. He encourages me, but his expectations are high. He takes care of me, but not my son. Sometimes, he drinks and degrades me, saying he is not my priority. My son is. I am scared my husband will throw me out of the house or my job. And yet, he won't accept me staying somewhere else, but says we have to stay together. If I have to leave, I leave both husband and job. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. What shall I do?"

In different cultures, marital expectations vary, sometimes involving multiple wives. While the guy mentioned above happens to have two wives at the same time, the issue isn't so different than a step-parent situation. The problem here--found in many cultures--is that of mate or child?

There's also the reality that leaving your husband means leaving your job. Maybe that's scaring you the most. You've taken your son out of the home, so I know you're concerned for him. The question is whether or not you want to raise your son. Right now, your mom is caring for him.

Your son is only twelve. In most parts of the world, he's not considered even close to being an adult. He still needs a parent. I assume--since you didn't mention him after the first sentence--that your son's father isn't involved. That just leaves you. You've already had the determination to leave one husband and take your child. Are you afraid that you can't do this again? Afraid you won't get another job?

I can't think of another reason to stay....unless you're in the favorite wife role and leaving would mean giving that up. You say your husband loves you, but his actions don't seem loving. He might cling to you. Maybe your husband tells you he needs you, but your son is part of you--you had to sneak him out of the house to protect him. Your husband actually beat your son. It doesn't matter that he was drinking. This isn't love.

Don't confuse being needed with being loved. Not the same thing. You're under a lot of pressure and you say you're feeling suicidal. Why stay? I can understand fear--not being sure you can get a job. Fearing that you won't be acceptable because you didn't get your degree. [Note to other readers: GET YOUR DEGREE!]

You made it before as a divorced woman and divorce is way better than suicide. Give yourself and your son another chance at life without the man you now call "husband."