DON'T FORGET THE ONE YOU LOVE

This may seem like a silly thing to say, since we assume we couldn't forget the person we love. People sit in my office all the time, however, wrestling with major conflicts with the person they love the most. While it isn't possible to live conflict-free in a relationship, you'll do better at working these through, if you remember that you love this person.

When dealing with couple clients who are addressing everything from frustration over who washes the dishes and takes out the garbage(yes, the small things do count) to crippling infidelity, I usually ask the same question. Why do you love this person? While some couples bristle when asked this--assuming I'm asking Why do you love this jerk?--I have a good reason for asking it. I'm not inferring that you don't actually love the jerk (that he even is a jerk, no matter what you're facing) or that you shouldn't love him. Far from it.

I ask you this question because sometimes you've forgotten why you love the person you're with. When facing relationship conflict, it's easy to slide into a very frustrated place.

You need to remember why you fell in love in the beginning. Odds are, the characteristics that first drew you together are still there. Your mate may be annoying; he may not defend you when his relative say mean things; he may sometimes overspend on things you think are frivolous--but you once felt loved by this person.

Unresolved issues can simmer at the roots of a relationship, slowly killing it. The reason you fell for this guy may not now exist or may never have existed. Clients don't hesitate to tell me if this is the case. But if some parts of the reason you loved him in the first place are still there, you need to remember these.

Few things in life are black and white.

We're dealing with a bunch of gray where life is complicated and complex. This goes double for relationships. Even if you're very, very annoyed with the guy across from you, you probably don't wish him dead. You'd find your world sadder and lonelier without him and we just need to learn how to work out the stuff you hate.

Of course, there is the possibility that the arguing has gone on too long, he's lied to you too many times or done worse. Sadly, sometimes you wouldn't miss your partner if he were completely out of your life, but this is usually not the case.

Don't forget the one you love.