"My daughter and I seem to be constantly at odds. We have always had a very close relationship until about 18 months ago. She went to college about 30 minutes from home, living in the dorm for the first year. Then she returned to attend a local college, living at home. Now, she stays out all hours of the night, brings her friends over at midnight to watch movies or sleep over. She sometimes leaves kids I don't know in the house when she goes to class the next morning. She and her friends are loud at night when my husband, step-son and I all have to go to work the next day. If I dare say anything to her, she yells, cusses and back talks me horribly. She does no chores around the house and very rarely picks up after herself. She works, but uses her money for her gas, movies, eating out, etc. She expects us to pay her cell bill, car insurance(we bought her car), and her school expenses(books and fees). She has gotten grants and scholarships to pay tuition, though she has taken school loans on her own, just to go shopping. Any advice I try to give her regarding the way she blows her money results in her screaming at me, cussing me and telling me it's her life, she's 19 and can do whatever she wants. We have argued over my wanting to always know where she is. She has developed a habit of driving about three times a week to a town about 120 miles from our house to go bar hopping. She says she's not drinking(she's underage) and is just dancing. But it worries me with her being on the interstate so late at night. She leaves for the bar around 10:00 p.m., stays at the bar until 3:00 a.m., and rarely gets home before 6:00 a.m. She usually has friends with her, but I'm not sure young girls alone in a situation like this are particularly safe. So, I make her tell me when she is going, text me when she arrives and let me know when she's on the road headed home. Of course, this keeps me up all night as well. She rarely gets 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep and neither do I. I have told her that if she flunks out of school, I will no longer pay her car insurance or phone bill. She ended up dropping most of her classes last semester because she got so far behind because she didn't attend class. It was either withdraw or accept failing grades. Again, every time I say anything about this or question her about what she's doing or who she's with, I get cussed, hung up on, or screamed at. Of course, as soon as she needs money, she is all sweetness. For the past month, she has been staying with a friend who has very little parental supervision. I made a point today to touch base with the father of this friend, asking if it was okay that my daughter was staying there...and I gave him my number for emergency contact. I don't know this man...and don't know this friend, either. Now my daughter is very upset that I talked with the father and says he believes I am a stalker. Am I going overboard with trying to be aware of where my 19 year old is and who she's staying with? I'm not sure whether she needs more discipline(namely making her pay her own bill because that's the only way I can discipline her) or if I jus tneed to let her go, no questions asked, and just be there when she needs me."--Concerned Mother
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Dear Concerned,
Yes, you're going overboard, but it's very understandable. What you have is a tremendously mixed up situation and you're not alone in struggling with a teen trying to make the shift to adulthood.
Yes, I'd have the girl pay her own bills. Actually, I think you and your daughter have been so close that this transition to being an adult is hard for you both (not to mention your husband and his son). When parents have been very connected to kids, the growing up shift can be really hard. She needs to be an independent adult to prove to herself that she can make it without you. Sad as it is, she'll have to make it without you one day.
This is a difficult part of parenting, to doubt about it, but you need to do less.
First off, you have to stop treating her like an adolescent (even though she's acting like one). I know how difficult this is (from experience), but it's time for you to pull back. That doesn't mean she gets to trash your life, your house or your finances. You want to help her establish herself, which is very appropriate and loving, but stop staying up nights for her texts. Stop letting her have sleep-overs at your house like she's fourteen.
Actually, I think you're best letting her make those trips without any oversight from you. Let her go and say nothing. I wouldn't continue paying her gas, however. I also would think about (depending on what she earns) not paying her cell bill or giving her money. I wouldn't buy her clothes, either.
This is the bottom line for parental assistance...if the kid's making her own way and going to school, help her pay the necessities, but don't give her money to blow. Then, don't ask her how she spends her money. Her choice, not yours. If she's not in school, let her be a grown-up and support herself.
Don't expect her to be your friend. She's trying to establish a life without you and while this can be painful for parents, kids need to work out the kinks themselves. They need to know they can. If she's got scholarships, she's capable. She's a smart cookie, even if she's doing stupid things. Remind yourself of this: she can make it. She's able. Try really hard to butt out of her life, unless clearly invited. Then don't give advice unless this is requested. Even if it's requested, be slow to give it.
The very hardest thing to do is to believe in her, to ACT like you know she's capable, even when she's not acting very smart.
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One of the hardest things to realize is that it's not what you say that counts, it's what you do. Don't get me wrong, talk is important. You need to communicate verbally, but it's easy to say stuff that doesn't match your behavior. When parenting, act like you believe in the kid, don't just say it. That means you don't rescue the kid from her own mistakes (if you really believe she can rescue herself). You don't give her money and things she can earn herself. You let her make her own way.
Actions speak way louder than words. This is true in romantic relationships, as well. Behave in a truly loving manner towards those you love. Sometimes that means having faith in them getting themselves out of messes, rather than running to their aid.
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