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Perfectionism is tempting, even though being consumed by the drive to be perfect is bad for you. We may try to be a perfect mother or ideal mate, but we don't necessarily love those who seem to be without flaws. Everyone wants Martha Stewart's soufflé to fall. We tend to resent perfection even as we find ourselves striving for it (and buying her cook books as well as her magazine). But have you ever considered that imperfection could be good for you?
This is not to say screwing up feels good. Falling on your face in front of your new boss, blurting out just the wrong thing to prospective in-laws or burping in front of a scrumptious first date...these never feel good. Mistakes, though, are not only unavoidable, they're actually a vital part of your growth landscape. You need to mess up because mistakes are an integral part of progress.
Movement forward. Getting to where you want to go. Planting your flag on the turf you've just won. None of that happens without mistakes. The May issue of the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience reports a study that indicates we learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. Failure has an upside.
Take, for instance, the perfect high school valedictorian. Never puts a foot wrong, always gets amazingly high scores. Let's make it worse. Let's say she gets those grades without really even studying that hard and she's the head cheerleader, dating the captain of the football team. This sounds so great, so desirable. We want to be her, right? Other kids in high school hate her--except the ones who want her to tutor them in organic chemistry. She's never screwed up a test, never gone out to a party without writing her English essay first, which only takes her a half hour.
She's perfect…and she's so screwed. Screwed because she doesn't know how to fail. Doesn't know how to study for a really tough class. Doesn't know how to persevere in the face of abject failure.
Who hasn't heard of the really bright kid who kills him or herself because of a rejection from the first pick college? Learning to fail is vital to success. We may tend to forget this reality, but failure brings with it tremendously important information. It's packaged with certain truths you can't get any other way. Think about this--few goals are reached without learning to adjust your trajectory. If you never fail--never let yourself fail--you won't learn what works and what doesn't work.
It is a sad reality that there are very bright people who settle for low level jobs and bad relationships because they're afraid to risk failure. If you try and don't succeed--that's failure. For some, failure is so unacceptable that they abdicate from life. They deliberately take the less fulfilling path because it seems easier…because there's less chance of failing.
Failure doesn't feel good--failing feels like crap--but it can be a valuable pit stop on the way to phenomenal success. To make the most of the experience, you have to sift through the ashes to find the kernel of truth. You need to understand where you screwed up if you want to have a shot at earning the goal. In every moment of failure there exists a gem of learning. Where did I mess up? This is a massively important question. You don't need to figure this out just so you can beat yourself with the mistake. You need to see it, so you don't take that path again. What do I need to do differently next time?
Perseverance. It is a golden word and without this ability, few achievements are ever made.
Those who stumble into some level of success without any apparent failure experiences are susceptible to the imposter syndrome. Failure and correction and plowing ahead leaves you knowing you deserve every success you wrench out of life.
Failure is good. Study it. Embrace it. There is always something to learn in not achieving. You have to fail to reach success.
