NECESSARY POWER

Some parents feel harassed and hounded by their kids. They feel like the children in their lives have all the power. Ever tried to make a kid eat when he didn't want to? Or make one sleep when he doesn't want to? These are very frustrating situations and can make the most sane parents feel like doing something really stupid.

But it's important to realize that children, by the very nature of things, have less power. They need you to provide them with food, to give them a safe place to live and to protect them against life's harsh moments. You may do all this out of the love of your heart, but don't think the kid doesn't know who has most of the power. The big person. The ones the child needs.

Needing someone else always makes us feel weak. Even if that need is all wrapped snug in a loving relationship, need involves vulnerability and vulnerability can make us feel weak. You are bigger and stronger and you have more options. Your children know this and while they cling to you and love you, they also have frustrating moments of powerlessness.

Power can sometimes have a negative slant. It's a term often used in a derogatory way and it can be an accusation, but everyone needs power.

Romantic relationships that have great power differentials--one partner makes a lot more money than the other, one's a lot older, one's a lot prettier--have even bigger conflicts than most. Individuals who have less power, feel limited and scared.

This is how children feel and it's why they resort to dirty tricks to get what they want or to level the playing field some. Parents are often distressed and frustrated that their children lie to them, but kids have their reasons. They lie about stuff that'll get them in trouble with the ones who have the most power. Kids aren't stupid. They know how this works.

Of course, lying leads logically to mistrust. It's not a good method of dealing with power differentials.

It's part of the job of parenting to help children feel and find healthy power. But it's no good to tell you kids that honesty is always the best policy unless you reward honesty--at least somewhat. Make the punishment a little less harsh if the child confesses. Look for ways your child makes a difference in their own lives and point this out. If the kid studies hard before a test and then does well, that's the kid's power. As parents, we sometimes take credit for way too much. Our chests swell with pride when our child does well. Of course you have a lot to do with your child's successes...but remember that ultimately the kid makes good things happen for himself. You want him to feel that he's earned his successes.

You may feel maddened with the frustrating parts of parenting--and there are a ton--but don't succumb to the impulse to throw your weight around. Remember, that child of yours is growing up. You want her to connect to her own power. You want her to make good choices even when you're not around. The best sign of really good parenting is a child who's prepared to respond to life when you're not there anymore.