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Monday, November 3, 2008

Love Bi-Polar

No one just leaves a relationship, anymore. They torture each other for a while first.

Most people don’t have a clue about how to break up or to do the reverse—fight productively. They don’t actually get anywhere, really. You’d probably like to be in a relationship where the two of you always get along and never fight. Relationships always have conflicts, though, so the arguing and fighting typically results in some unhealthy yelling, name-calling and hurt feelings.

In the middle of all this, someone breaks-up with someone, saying that they’re outta here. There are usually tears and maybe something gets thrown as someone heads out the door.

Then, they both start to miss one another, get amnesia about the bad times, dwelling on the good times and how sweet their significant other can be (sometimes). Then, inevitably, someone ends up texting or calling someone. What follows is almost as inevitable--because something drew you together in the first place--you make up and live happily until the downward spiral that starts it all over.

You might end up doing this over and over. Of course, it’s all much more complicated if you’ve been together a while, have children together or are legally married. You’ve got an investment. It may seem crazy to just throw all that away and you might start thinking about what you’ve contributed to the mess. Maybe you weren’t totally and completely right. Maybe you said something you shouldn’t have or did something you shouldn’t have. Suddenly, you’ve changed from blowing cold to being very hot, again.

It can wear you out.

The relationship may have massive, deep flaws that leave you wondering why you keep coming back. This is actually an excellent question. You really need to know why you feel pulled back into this relationship. You need to know what you’re getting out of this interaction, whether you stay or you go. This is info that’s very valuable.

You need to know the good stuff. If you get to the point of leaving again, you need to remember what kept you in it as long as you’ve been there. This may not be enough to keep you from walking out the door. The bad stuff may still out-weigh the good stuff, but stay until you’ve really had enough. Even if you get totally mad. Even if you want to scream and throw things.

Don't leave and then turn around and come back. Stay until you're done.

If you’re still hooked in this thing, stay. Don’t do this if there’s risk to your person, of course. Then, you need to get the heck outta Dodge and figure out how the relationship has worked for you(don't tell me it didn't work for you in some twisted way) from a safe distance. You do need to figure out what’s been working. What worked in the beginning… And you need to be very clear about what's not working.

If you keep waffling about this relationship, ask yourself: What is this power he or she has over you?!? The answer is important—not that it means you should get back in—but for you to understand what’s going on with you.

It’s always safest to know what’s going on with you.