PORN--THE DISCONNECTED CONNECTION

Looking at strangers doing sex acts can have an odd sense of intimacy to it. You're watching erotic images which triggers your own arousal. It's not exactly auto-eroticism because you're not completely by yourself. You can get into lots of variations from just looking at images on your monitor or in magazines from having sexual interactions via webcam. There may be phone calls and emails. You might actually hook up with strangers in motel rooms or you may sit in your bedroom at home searching for more and more on-line videos.

It can get to feel like an addiction you've tried to stop, but found yourself getting pulled back into.

The thing about on-line porn is that it's so easy and so comfortable. Heck, you're in your pajamas or you can sit totally naked and cruise the net. You may have a spouse in the other room asleep or a girlfriend at work and this porn thing feels more okay than actual cheating. Your mate may have even dabbled in it with you, at one time, but much of your viewing pleasure is alone and you may find you're going to porn instead of dealing with real life relationships.

Porn feels real without the mess of being real. At least, that's how it seems.

In actual relationships, you have disagreements and conflicts that don't feel good. You might not think your mate listens to you or cares what's important to you. If you forget to take out the trash or you're not thrilled to have her relatives around, she cuts you off and doesn't want sex. With porn, you don't have to jump through hoops for sex.

The problem is that you also don't real connections. Emotional intimacy is complicated and frustrating, at times, but it offers benefits you can't get from living your sexual life in a dark room in front of a glowing screen. In the real world, you have relationship challenges that, when faced and dealt with, strengthen you. You have a real person who cares about you and, while she argues with you, she also laughs with you and teases you and enjoys your successes.

Meeting a stranger in a parking lot and doing the nasty in your car carries risks that can seem exciting. It also leaves you empty inside.

You deserve better.

Invest in the real world. As messy as it can be, the rewards are much greater. With the challenge of communicating comes the success of learning to say what you need and of seeing her point-of-view. If you don't currently have a relationship and porn is your substitute, you're missing out. You need a living, breathing person in your bed who actually cares how your day went. Someone who gets your jokes and thinks you're smart. Get out there and start dating. It can feel as stressful as going on a lot of job interviews, but making the connection is worth the effort. Sometimes a session or two with a therapist can help you see what you're doing to trip yourself up.

Don't give up on yourself. Real life relationships can be messy and painful. They also can give you what you really need. Someone to be with. Someone who thinks you're hot and sexy and terrific. Someone to hold your hand when you're lonely (and other parts when you're feeling frisky) and rub your back when you're tired. A whole, complete relationship.

You can't find that through porn.