Posts
"Our son Ethan is 3 yrs old and when my husband asks for him to
give him a kiss or hug him he refuses. He will easily give me kisses and hugs
though. It seems like they are already starting to butt heads. My husband tends
to use an authoritarian style parenting. He will tell him NO and then not listen
to him or try to talk to him. It seems like its resulting in my son not having
a close relationship with my husband. It really bothers me and I'm afraid its
going to cause them to have further issues in the future. I don't know
how to handle this, so I tend to get upset and then snap at my husband or I end
up just taking over my son and handling his temper tantrums myself. I also know
that taking over is also causing problems. So I try not to do that, but sometimes
what he is doing to handle our son is just not working to calm him down or
whatever. I know that I'm not perfect. I also have tendencies to be an
authoritarian. I've been trying to work on this, but I'm not a very good
communicator. In fact, neither of us have very good communication skills. I have
a hard time communicating to my husband what I think without sounding like I'm
telling him what to do. I was just hoping that maybe you had some suggestions."--
Troubled Mom/Wife
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Dear Troubled,
I do have some suggestions. First, you need to know that your son is in a rough developmental stage. Saying no is one of his favorite things. At this age, children are trying to become individuals, separate from their parents. This is understandable since he's been dependent on you for everything. As he grows older, he needs to find his own ability to handle the world. At this point, he's alternates between defiant and clingy.
Developmental stages with similarities--all in the process of your child growing into independence--will reappear at roughly ages five to six, ten to eleven and fifteen to sixteen(the dreaded teen years). The challenge for parents at these times is to foster this forward growth while holding firm to a structure. Kids need consistency. It provides them with comfort, even when they're yelling at you.
The second part of the dilemma you're having now has to do with your relationship to your husband. Parenting is best when the parents are a team, working together to provide love and security. This requires parents to communicate, which you've indicated is a troublesome area for you. I think you and your husband would benefit from a few sessions with a therapist, just to work through the basics of listening to and understanding one another. If this isn't an option, then you need to address this yourself.
I suggest you listen carefully to what your husband wants for your son. I would guess this is not very different from what you want. You both love the kid and you want him to prosper personally and socially. Then, you need to ask your husband how he thinks you get in the way of his parenting. I know this is a difficult thing to ask and it will be even harder to really listen with an open mind to what he says. It's important, though. Resist the urge to defend yourself. After you've given him opportunity to tell you what he thinks, then tell him your concerns.
The two of you need to establish that you want the same things and then talk about your son's behaviors that are most concerning. Take a parenting course together to help equip you to parent most effectively. Parenting really brings out issues in a relationship and seeking help is very important.
This parenting gig is challenging and ever-changing. You need to be a team to do it really well.
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ADJUSTING: YOU OR YOUR KIDS
Kids need to learn to fit into the world, but adults need to expect them to do this at the appropriate developmental moments. It's not appropriate for parents to expect a 10 month-old to stay on a rug, not crawling to touch other things in the room. Children need safe environments to explore. This is how they learn, by reaching out and discovering the world.
Rather than following a child around, saying "No, don't touch" (which is exhausting for the parent and both frustrating and confusing for young children) create an environment that allows the child to be safe and yourself to relax. Little kids just don't understand "No" beyond that you're angry with them.
Taking a child to a grownup movie past the child's bedtime, expecting youngsters to conform to fine dining environments or letting them run wild in public places, such as malls or department stores, only creates stress for the adults around you and failure for your children. As children grow older, they are able to comprehend more what is expected in certain environments.
Parents sometimes struggle with having to adjust their own lives to accommodate their kids, but this won't be required forever. When you chose to be a parent, you signed on to adjusting your life somewhat to the needs of your children.
Having children is one of the hardest things we do. Don't expect children--who haven't yet developed their life skills, to adjust more than you are.
