YOU GET THE BEST & WORST

Relationships add to your life. Insurance statistics say this--people who are married live longer, but living intimately with another human being is one of the hardest things we humans do. Really smart people have no edge here. Married or not, your partner gets the best...and the worst of you.

This is in the nature of close relationships. One would think we'd be at our best with the people most important to us, but this isn't always true. Because we feel loved by our mates, we let down our guards and sometimes, we aren't nice people. All people have their good and bad moments. It's part of our natures to sometimes struggle.

We get irritable, snappy and annoying, at times.

When you have a partner, she gets a front row seat to all of this. Of course, she was probably a loving presence when you suffered the loss of a parent or close friend. She may have been the bright spot in some really rough times. Even if she held your hand in rough times, she can be very annoying, too.

Close relationships are, you know, close.

Part of the reason this happens is because you feel loved and cared for with your partner. You feel accepted, even the ugly parts, and you relax. This is one of the wonderful things about being in a loving relationship. You get to relax and quit trying so hard. Unfortunately, for some of us that can mean not trying at all.

We forget to do and say the sweet things that we did and said when we were courting. We can forget to act as if this person in front of us is the most important person in our lives.

In my younger days, I was struck by a statement a divorcing friend made. She said she'd thought that she and her husband would "be together always." A young married person at the time myself, it occurred to me with blinding reality that this may not be a good belief. In the security--which we all want--of thinking this is the person we'll spend the rest of our lives with, we stop trying. It's as if we feel we no longer need to act each day as if we love this person.

Connection doesn't mean not trying.

Yes, it feels great to be loved and we do tend to give the ones we care about some latitude. We cut them a break. I remember telling my husband, when my kids were small, that I'd rather them act up with us because we loved them. We tolerated more of their shenanigans than someone less invested. But this reality can become relied upon too heavily and get strained to the breaking point.

Whenever I see in counseling an individual trying to decide whether or not to stay in a relationship, I recommend they weigh the good of a relationship against the bad. If you want to ensure that your relationship doesn't fail, work on that balance: more good than bad.

The best way to do this is to place your partner's interests at least as high as your own.