Posts
It’s true that we discard relationships more rapidly than previously, but maybe we’re just confused about relationships…. Jumping in and out of couplehood like living in a revolving door isn’t good. But staying in a going-nowhere relationship is pointless and, ultimately, bad for both of you.
The question is how you decide whether to invest or get out. This is tough when trying to make financial decisions and even harder when we’re talking about your heart. You need to ask yourself the difficult questions. Do you and the guy you’re with want similar lifestyles? (Both want kids, both have similar financial goals, both want to live in the city or the country. The same coast or somewhere in-between.)
Do you share similar ideas about using alcohol and chemicals recreationally? If you don’t see yourself in a life where alcohol is always present, don’t marry someone who wouldn’t consider celebrating without a drink. Individuals make assumptions about this aspect of life that can lead to significant relationship conflict. If you smoked pot when you were in high school or college, but think it’s irresponsible to continue doing this when you have kids, you need to make sure your partner agrees.
Do you have the same life beliefs? (Similar ideas about religion, family and how you spend your money.) How do you differentiate this from having dissimilar personalities, which is a good thing? What if you know you want very different lives and, yet, you find yourself holding on to the relationship, hoping the other person will change or that you’ll learn to deal with the conflict?
This is a tough question. If you’ve been with this person a while, you’ve come to care for her. While this affection is important to take into consideration, it probably won’t be enough to overcome major issues. So, what are the deal-breakers for you? This is what you need to ask yourself and you need to be brutally honest. Too often, we drift into relationships because of convenience or hormones. Sometimes, the biggest factor in who you date is that you don’t want to be alone.
I’m not suggesting you embrace singlehood forever. But if the relationship you’re in has no future, maybe it’s time to move on. Typically, the longer you stay, the worse the break-up will be and the harder the feelings. It’s too easy to get comfortable being unhappy or trying to get your partner to see the light. The light the way you see it, of course.
This can be massively more complicated if you share a child, but children don’t do well with unhappy parents. If there are children involved, see a competent therapist and figure out if the relationship can find a good ground. If you don’t have kids and your relationship isn’t working, don’t stay until one accidentally appears.
Shared values and lifestyles do not equal a good relationship, though. You might have the same values as your brother, but that doesn't mean you should date him. In a healthy, functional, fulfilling relationship, you have to like each other, balance each others’ personalities and both be willing to work on developing yourselves. But having conflicted core values is like building a house in a flood zone. It’s just a matter of time.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re going different places and want different things, cut your losses.
