OKAY WITH BEING A "SIDE PIECE"?

I always learn things from my job--both things about myself and things about the world. This week a client used a phrase that very clearly summarizes what many folks are dealing with. She said her relative is okay with being a side piece.

Lots of people are dealing with relationship issues. Trouble in this area is wide spread. But when does cheating around become okay? When is it just a method for avoiding relationship or personal problems.

A side piece, by this client's definition, is a woman or man who's content with being the other, the one a married individual sees on the side. Non-primary relationships have both an advantage and a disadvantage in that regular life isn't the focus. Because of the secrecy involved, issues of money and kids don't usually intrude. Extra-marital or non-primary relationships have an urgency, an intensity that's fostered by secrecy. In this pressurized situation, the relationship feels highly intense and very powerful.

Some have likened it to a drug addiction. They say they are addicted to the lover, to the secret codes, the text messages and private phone calls. This can feel like something you do just for yourself when you do little for you, focusing more on the roles of parent, employee and spouse. This affair is something you're doing just for you.

Powerful.

People in this situation usually have arguments with themselves. They know they should quit and fly right, but they can't stop craving interaction with the other person. This can feel like an obsession. In the middle of birthday parties for your children and family holidays, you try to sneak off to exchange private phone calls, steal furtive time together. Soul mates forced into clandestine, tawdry relationships.

Typically, there are powerful reasons for staying in the primary relationship. The biggest of these is the sharing of children. Whether you've borne kids together or just engaged in a loving caretaker role with a child not biologically your own, this is a strong influence for lots of people. You don't want to damage the children or to lose your own interaction with them. Many of us have grown up in broken homes. We know the conflicts divorce and separation can bring for children and many promise themselves they'll never make their kids suffer these.

Some of those cheating don't want to leave their primary mates for money reasons, but these aren't usually as big as the fear of being alone. Yes, that may sound a little crazy since the cheater has a soul mate cheating with him or her, but these are often two married people. The timing of one leaving--and the other possibly not leaving--is complex.

There's also the pesky emotional left-overs to deal with. You may have been with your primary relationship partner for years. Even though you're not in love anymore, you're still attached to your mate. You certain don't wish him or her harm. Usually. Not really. You're also not sure you want them completely out of your life, dating others and not responding super-fast to your calls?

This can be a very complicated situation.

Oddly enough, the stats aren't good on those who end their primary relationships and get with the person they've been cheating with. Soul mates deal with real life and usually with disillusionment.

Being a side piece, however, is also a complicated role and one in which you won't either learn to deal with your issues or learn how to be fully in a relationship. It can also mean spending holidays alone and never being able to talk to your parents and friends about the person you consider most connected to you.

Sorting all this out can be very difficult. No one else gets to tell you when you need to leave your primary relationship (friends and relatives may try), but no one can force you to leave your affair, either. Affairs don't produce significant long-term happiness. They just don't, but lots of people are engaging in this seemingly non-productive behavior.

One of the reasons I wrote my book Should I Leave Him? was to help people struggling with this decision.

Dealing with relationship challenges is a very personal matter. Your mother/preacher/friend/therapist can't make the choices for you. It's your decision and you may need some help in finding the right path for you.