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Sex alone doesn't make great relationships, but relationships can make great sex. Over and over, individuals describe marriages--and other committed relationships--that include red hot sex in the beginning, then the sex fades over time. Some mental health professionals even talk about this phenomena as a "natural" diminishing of desire. But before you give up on really good sex in your relationship, you might want to take a closer look at the issues.
You're not, as some claim, doomed to getting bored in every sexual relationship. Emotional and sexual connections aren't subject to an evolutionary demise. Long term, mutually satisfying physical intimacy can be achieved if you know what to do to keep it alive.
Typically, married sex declines sharply in quality and frequency after the birth of children. This might be a result of postpartum depression or, on the other hand, you might be suffering the impact of increasing pressure on the relationship. Children may be a blessing, but they take a lot of work and complicate things tremendously. Issues such as housework, money and quality couple time tend to become more challenging when couples start families.
Kids are just one aspect of the diminishing sexual experience in relationships, however. The primary cause for declining interest in sex can be found in couples' unresolved conflicts. Despite the reputation of "make up sex" being so great, dysfunctional fighting tends to reduce the sexual activity in relationships. Particularly deadly to physical intimacy are unresolved conflicts. The worst culprits in diminished sex drives are arguments that spring up from time to time and circle around the same problem without ever finding a resolution.
Problems that are not successfully resolved--or even truly addressed in relationships--will eventually leave individuals feeling insignificant and unloved. If you feel as though your partner doesn't really care about your concerns, you will even come to feel unloved. My opinion doesn't matter, you'll think and you'll feel unimportant to your partner.
The damaging effect of unaddressed or unresolved conflicts in relationships doesn't take place over-night. It's a sad journey and along the way you'll probably argue that your partner doesn't mean to make you feel bad. Eventually over time, however, it'll seem like your partner doesn't really care.
This is where the decline in sexual interest starts. Very few individuals are eager to have sex with partners they resent. If you don't feel cared for, you're not usually interested in getting naked.
The solution to this isn't to buy her flowers or to buy sexy lingerie to get him revved up. You're going to have to do bigger things if you want better results. You have to work through the problems. Talk about what bothers you. Listen to what bothers him. Stop defending yourself and really listen. You may think she's got it all wrong, but you need to see things from her point-of-view. Really look at conflicts from the other side. No one is completely right and no one is totally wrong.
The good news is that couples feel empowered by a resolved conflict. They actually feel strong and sexy! Initially, this process can feel draining, but the impact is so good for the relationship, your sex will just get better.
So listen to your mate. Repeat back what your partner is telling you, just to make sure you heard right. Talk to each other about what's bothering you. Find a way to understand one another, then you can find a way to resolve the conflicts. Otherwise, the boring, infrequent sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Just a warning sign of trouble ahead. The good news is that sex can also be a tremendous glue in a relationship. Don't miss out on making it better.
