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To say that relationships are complicated is an incredible understatement. We're more confused about love than ever.
According to the statistics from Rutgers University's The Marriage Project, while the divorce rate is actually declining, so is marriage. Rather than getting married, more people are choosing unmarried relationships. If, however, you've ever participated in a relationship that didn't include actual legal marriage, you know that it still isn't simple! Relationships--married or not--are challenging. Individuals not wanting to live their lives in a solitary state face many questions: Who to be with? Where to find someone? Is this the Right someone? And once you've connected with a someone, the questions just get bigger.
Many adults, and lots of people who've not yet reached this designation, cycle through romantic interactions in a bewildered daze. You may not know why you're with the one you're with or even if you're actually with this someone. Sometimes, individuals aren't even sure whether or not they're in a relationship. Currently, the gray area between "just friends" and "dating" has gotten even grayer.
But, let's say you've sorted through this issue and you are in a relationship. Now, despite the nice feeling of having someone who cares whether you get home at night, the trouble starts. Perhaps one of the most challenging points in any relationship comes when you realize that it's not as perfect as you'd hoped and, in fact, sometimes it really sucks.
In one of the sucking moments, you will inevitably ask yourself: stay or go? Tough it out hoping things will get better? Or get out now? This is particularly difficult if the bad times are really, really bad, involving perhaps the intervention of law enforcement personnel. Or, if the bad times have become the norm.
So, if you're in a relationship in troubled times, you may be in the middle of trying to answer the question of whether you should stay or go. There are many issues: kids, money, fidelity. Perhaps, however, the single most significant question you can ask yourself is also the hardest to answer.
Does this relationship make you a better person?
Now, every one wants to wiggle out of this one or ask for clarification as to what "better" means. Relationships are very confusing and subjective, by nature. So let's try to be objective and just look at the hard facts.
While in the relationship, are you…
…Doing better or worse in your chosen profession(or in school)?
…experiencing an increase in risky behavior? (Drinking to excess or using drugs) Or a decrease in these activities?
…Moving forward towards your life goals?
…Having greater or lesser difficulty with basic life functions?(i.e. paying your bills, meeting your obligations)
…Experiencing more or less conflicts in other significant relationships?(friends and family)
Basically, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is adding overall to your well-being and helping you to prosper and gain in ways you value. The answer to this question can be difficult. If the relationship is challenging, but seems to be pushing you in ways that benefit you, you might want to stay in it and figure out how to resolve the conflicts. If, however, your relationship seems to be contributing to your struggle to create the life you want, maybe it's time to seriously consider getting out or, at the least, get some therapy.
Life is too short to spend years in a conflicted relationship that cycles over and over through difficult time without improvement. You deserve better…and so does your partner.
