RELATIONSHIP POISON

If you want to kill your relationship, never resolve conflicts. When you argue, make sure you repeat your points over and over and never listen to his. When he's talking, be thinking about what you have to say next. Get mad when he yells, and make sure you don't hear what he's trying to say.

True, no one likes being yelled at. It's rude and scary.

But people yell when they don't feel heard or when they're very upset about something. Yelling isn't the best way to get someone to listen, but it is a natural tendency. Listen to him. Hear his feelings, not just what he's saying. What he's feeling. People yell when they feel threatened or frustrated.

Then talk about what you feel. If he doesn't listen to you, tell him you love him and you need him to hear your concerns. If you have to, say the same words again calmly--like a broken record. Talk about your feelings rather than making accusations against him or telling him what you think he feels. Neither of these work.

It's natural to just want to stop fighting, to hope that not talking about the problem will give it a chance to go away. Problems don't go away, though. They sit and fester, growing uglier in the dark.

You won't get over arguments. It may seem like this is a functional way to deal with issues, but the fact that the same fights pop up over and over is an indication that the original problem didn't just go away because you stopped fighting about it.

There are two parts to giving the relationship a chance to resolve disagreements--talk and listen. Both are really, really important. You need to hear not just what he's saying, but what he feels about the situation. Let's be honest: Most individuals don't say what they feel. They make accusations and blame one another for various things.

The other really important part is to Ask yourself what you feel. Hurt, mad, disappointed, unloved, disregarded, scared--whatever. Then tell him your feelings. Both listening and talking are vital to working through a relationship problem. You can't find effective resolution if you don't start with what matters. You're upset. Figure out why.

Figure out how he feels. Ask him. Then listen to what he says. You may have to sort through his words. He might say "I feel that you are...." which isn't really a feeling. It's more of an accusation. What does he feel?

If you can fill in the blanks, this is an effective communication: "When you do this ____, I feel ____."

Don't let problems sit unresolved. They eat at the foundation of the relationship and soon enough there's nothing left of your love for one another.

Unsettled issues poison the relationship. Deal with them or deal with the consequences of not dealing with them.