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Dear Dr. Doss,
I hope you are able to see this email because I
really am in need of help. I cannot understand my father. I've always tried to.
Whenever I want to tell him something, I hesitate because he's so narrow-minded
that he doesn't respect my opinion on things. He does not let me finish what I
have to say and he will just interrupt me while I'm still talking to get
through his point without even trying to listen to my opinion. I tried to help
myself, but I couldn't. My dad interrupts and yells his point at my mom and us
kids when he disagrees with what we have to say without letting us finish it. I
just wish he would be calmer in speaking. I really do not know how to deal with
it. I tried to talk to my dad about it, but narrow-minded as he is, he will not
let me finish my say on it, and will ultimately interrupt and yell his
opinion. He says he is the "superiority" and that I have to respect
him as long as I live with him. But I want to live together with him always,
yes, but that doesn't mean I want to be dictated by him, or not be able to
express myself forever because he will not listen to what I have to say and
will just try to make me hear what he has to say. He interrupts me while Im
still expressing my feelings to him and isn't calm enough to answer nicely. Please
do give me some advice. I will appreciate it very much.
Frustrated Daughter
#
Dear Frustrated,
Some parents don't realize they're alienating their kids by beating their chests and declaring that they are the boss "until you leave my house." Most of these people don't feel like the boss, even when they're lecturing to their kids. I have to say, though, that I don't think you can change your dad. At this time, he has all the power and you need him to keep providing you with that roof to live under. Because parents feed you and watch over you when your small, they often feel they should have the right to decide everything that happens in the home.
What most of us parents have a hard time realizing is that this job has a term limit. It won't last forever. Yes, he'll always be your dad, but when you reach adulthood and independence, you get to make your own choices, regardless of what he wants. If you're over eighteen now, you may need his help to get through your education until you can earn your own keep.
At this point, however, I recommend you speak calmly, even when he rants. Don't yell back. It won't help and might make matters even worse. You might try listening to your father's complaints as if he were someone else's dad. This distance can help you to see his point. Most of the time when we yell, it's because we don't feel heard. Maybe your dad isn't feeling understood or listened to. Rather than defending yourself (which is a very strong urge), echo back to him his observations and concerns. I.e, "I know you'd like me to clean my room up more" or "I guess it doesn't seem like I listen to you."
Neither of these responses actually admits anything, but maybe he'll shout less if he thinks you're listening to him.
***
FIGHTING ABOUT THE SMALL STUFF
Very commonly couples who come for therapy say their fights are usually over the small stuff. They have difficulties getting along, but can't quite say why they're arguing. These couples agree about the bigger issues, but squabble and fight over things that shouldn't be that important.
When you have this kind of pattern develop, you're usually struggling with how to manage disagreements or you have big issues you don't see how to resolve. Either way, learning to communicate more effectively can help you smooth things out.
When you're at this point in a relationship, you generally feel blocked on all levels. While you probably still have the same daily lives, these bumps in the road never get settled and they often pop up over and over. This is when you need to look at the listening part of your interaction. While lots of folks complain that their partners don't listen, it's harder to see when you're not listening, either. You may think your listening, but it doesn't do much good if your partner doesn't feel listened to. So, rather than looking for ways to change your lover, start with changing yourself.
It's harder than it sounds. If you didn't care about your partner, you probably wouldn't even by addressing this. You care, so put your energy where it will do the most work--start with changing you. This listening gig is more difficult than it seems like it should be because when your mate begins expressing him or herself, a lot of words that seem like accusations get thrown around. You, then, feel an overwhelming urge to defend yourself against whatever has been said. You want to explain.
Please fight to resist this urge. Whenever you're explaining something to your mate, he doesn't think you're listening to him--which is usually true. So, shut your mouth and actually listen. She won't get everything right and she'll totally misread many of your actions, but you need to hear how she feels and what she wants.
Reflect these observations back to him--tell him what you think you heard him say to you--even if you don't agree. Later, after you've worked hard to hear what he's saying to you, you can tell him how you feel. Remember not to make accusations that will then prompt him to defend himself, thereby putting you back into the same situation.
Listen and reflect. Then express your feelings and perspective.
Then, when it's really important, you'll know better how to fight about the big stuff.
