ADULT CHILDREN

It's not enough that they gave you stretch marks before birth and heart attacks every time your kids ran for the street, they're still troubling your sleep now. And they're all grown up. It may not seem like your adult child--over the age of eighteen--is acting very mature, but you have to come to accept what you can't change when they're at this age.

S.M. writes that she's worried about her twenty-six year old son's relationship. His girlfriend "...has called the police 3 times on [him]...for stealing her car.... She has brainwashed him into thinking that she 'helped' him by calling the police.... And now...she's pregnant."

P.G. is also concerned about an adult child. His daughter is only nineteen, but she's now pregnant by a 39 year-old sex offender. P.G. wants to tell this guy off and insist he"...break this off and not see my daughter again."

Unless this sex offender molests little children and you fear for your grandchild, you need to step back from this situation.

It is sad and painful to see adult children making incredibly poor relationship choices. You've had some years on this earth and you can see the heartache coming at them. This becomes particularly complicated when a grandchild comes into the picture and there sadly isn't a great answer to any of it.

You can't make the bad situation go away. It's understandable that you want to. Since they were tiny, you've sheltered them from cold and chased away the boogie man. This time you can't. And if you're not careful, you'll become the bad guy. If you volunteer your opinions and your kid isn't ready to see the problems or acknowledge what he needs to do about the relationship, your child will likely take all the conflict that bad relationship is stirring up inside him and turn in on you. You then become the problem and the kid may distance himself from you. Don't go here. Don't say mean things(even if they're true) about the mate.

Don't also try to make your child's life easier by giving too much monetarily or of yourself. This is a sink-or-swim thing. You have to let the kid learn.

The key here is to recognize your adult child as an adult who is capable of and fully able to make his own choices. It can seem easier to believe that the child is under the sway of an evil, harmful partner, but you need to see your child as powerful. After all, you want him to be in charge of his own life, to make his own choices and take care of himself.

Believe in him. Believe he can do this even though he's fumbling now and making bad choices. Even though you know he deserves better.

Yes, you have opinions about what "good" looks like for your kid. It may seem like he's nuts right now and you'd like to shake him awake, but believing in your kid is the greatest gift you can give him. He needs to see himself as in charge of his life. You may wish some random thing would happen to remove the bad influence this relationship seems to be exerting, but if this relationship was magically removed, there would always be others. The bad relationship isn't the issue.

He needs to learn how to take care of himself and he may have some tough lessons to get him there, but you really want him to learn these lessons.

Everything becomes more complicated when a grandchild is involved, but the approach is almost the same. Think about this situation as if a co-worker or friend were in it. You wouldn't make uninvited comments. You wouldn't tell them how to live their lives or when to leave the S.O.B. You'd sit quietly by (possibly struggling) but not saying anything unless you're specifically asked. Even if you are asked, be very, very careful what you say.

The trick here is to be loving and involved without being distracting. Your child has to deal with this himself. Don't succumb to the temptation to step in and sort everything out. Don't threaten the mate(Yes, I know this is hard.) Stay out of the way. The kid isn't twelve anymore.

Stay out of the mess. Do not fight for custody of your grandchild unless the child is actively being abused or neglected. It can be incredibly difficult to sit on the sidelines here and it'll seem much easier to just walk away. This is when love is really, really hard. It can feel like watching a drowning swimmer when you know you could dive in and rescue him, but don't give into that very natural impulse. He's got to live his life.

This may mean bad choices and worse relationships. You may have to visit your grandchild in homes you'd never occupy or wearing clothes you think are inappropriate. Don't assume care of the grandbaby or, if your child and his child moves in with you, don't act like you're the grandbaby's caregiver. Unless you're willing to go to court to fight for custody--and possibly end your relationship with your child--don't take the grandbaby as your own child unless this is a case for CPS. If the child is being cared for, do the loving grandparent thing and then step back.

Stay out of it..and beam love towards your child. Believe in him; don't rescue him. He needs to find his own strength. He needs to know you think he can do it, even if he's got doubts about that himself.

Even if you sometimes have doubts. Keep these to yourself and love him.