BREAK-UP SAVY

Okay this is a topic you never want to have to know about...but you may need.

When a couple hits more snags than they can stand, they often call it off. They break-up. This is an ugly process and this is often when couples seek counseling. They also go back to church, but that's another topic. So, if your relationship is teetering on the brink, listen-up. Here's what to do and not do.

Don't try to decide who's at fault:

This is a pointless process because you've both contributed to the problems. Even if one really contributed by cheating or otherwise betraying the relationship, everyone gives something to a relationship. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

Don't Make promises that won't be kept:

Whether you make these to yourself or to your mate, don't commit to anything you probably won't do. In the throes of breaking up, we're inclined to feel desperate and to let that desperation push us into stuff. Don't agree to anything that you'll later resent and regret--moving, changing jobs, sending a child to live with the other parent, etc.

Don't ever talk about this to you mate's parents:

This is really hard, particularly when you think his or her parents like you a bunch and may keep your mate in the relationship. Don't. Please don't try to get your mate's parents on your side. Even if she/he cheated or did other bad things. Her parents are her parents. If they have to choose sides--which is typically the case in a break up--they'll choose their own child 99% of the time. This is normal. They love their child no matter what you say she/he's done.

Don't cry to the parents. Don't tattle to them. This won't help and it'll probably backfire on you.

Don't pull your kids into the break up:

Don't ask them to choose who to live with if they're under eighteen. Don't try to get them on your side. Be kind. This is your mess, your relationship difficulty. The kids didn't make this mess. Don't expect them to get you out of it.

Don't stay out of fear:

Lots and lots of us are afraid to be alone and stay in unhealthy relationships because we want to hear another voice in the same living space. Doing this, though, is acting as if you have nothing to offer. It is based in lack of self-belief. You have the capacity to handle life. Trust yourself.

Being in a relationship out of default or staying until you hook up with someone else will only shrink your self-esteem. You deserve better.

Do try to be honest with yourself:

Every struggle in your life presents opportunities. I know, I hate this too, but even if you really dislike this reality, you need to grab the good from the bad situation. There's lots here for you to learn. Stuff you need to know to keep from repeated the same disaster over and over. After all, you want to move on to other life lessons, right?

You need to see what you contributed to the break-up and be gentle with yourself. Even the best of us make mistakes...usually lots of them. The best you can do is learn from them.

Do go see a therapist:

This may seem self-serving of me since I am a therapist, but stick with me here. The unbiased nature of the job is part of a therapist or counselor's job description. Yes, you'll find therapists who insist you should stay in the marriage or that you should leave the relationship--there are variants to everything--but generally therapists will very readily acknowledge that this is your life. We get to comment-reflect-understand-ask questions.

You get to choose.

Think of it this way--if we got to tell you what to do all the time, we'd have to carry the blame for all the choices, good and bad, that our clients make. This is unreasonable and dangerous. You get to live your own life. We just offer perspective and tools for dealing with various situations.

Isn't that what you need? Someone who's not in the middle of the mess?

The Hard-But-Helpful Question:

Ask yourself if the relationship brings you more than it costs you. Simple equation; not necessarily simple situation.

Break-ups suck, but sometimes we need them to help us move forward.