Don't Hate the Boyfriend

It's always a temptation to blame the guy she's dating.

She's skipping school or lying. She doesn't answer her phone when you call. Parents and friends always want to blame the boyfriend. She was never like this until she started dating him, you want to insist. You may have even wished bad things on him, like a runaway bus colliding with his "crotch rocket". Then life could go back to normal…she'd excel in school again, she'd stop underage drinking or she'd stop blowing off her real friends.

But don't hate the boyfriend. It may not be about him at all.

Maybe she's older--not a teen any longer, let's say. She's a co-worker or someone you've known forever. Suddenly, she's not returning your calls and making excuses for why she can't hang out with you. You know she's either going to be with him or hoping to get his call. You're not just second fiddle, you're not even in the band.

We always want to blame the boyfriend--or girlfriend.

If you love someone and they've loved you, too, it's a real struggle to understand how they could "suddenly" be so unloving. How they could act so inconsiderate of you. All the bad stuff started after your friend or your kid started dating this "bad influence." But, in blaming the boyfriend or girlfriend, you're missing the point…and looking at the person you care about as a spineless, helpless victim.

If you're going to hate anything, hate what she's doing to herself. See her as a person who's capable of choice. Yes, she maybe making bad choices--sometimes, really bad choices. But if you continue to cast her in the victim role, you're robbing her of her own power.

You don't have to like the boyfriend. He's probably gone out of his way to be unlikable, but you don't get to blame him for all her problems. She's in charge of her life, even if she's still a teenager. Even if she's an adult who's very confused.

Blaming the boyfriend is easier. If you allowed yourself to see her as responsible, you'd be really, really mad at her. And you love her. But by seeing her as a victim, you're robbing her not only of responsibility, but also of power. She can change--her choices and her boyfriend. Only she can make her life better. She has the power. And more than ever, she needs you to believe in her power.

Of course, you're mad at her. You just can't understand how she could make the choices she's making. That's the hard part about loving someone, allowing them to put themselves into bad situations. But not allowing choice is saying they're not capable of living their own lives. It's like saying you should always be in charge of who they are and you don't really want that.

You may not like the boyfriend--or who she's become with him--but you need to remember she's the one making the choices. This won't stop you loving her, even if you're really, really angry and very frustrated with those choices. It will, however, allow you to step back and let the consequences of her choices have an impact.

She's a grown-up (or nearly one). Believe in her.