COPING SKILLS--MIXED BLESSINGS?

When you were a kid, you developed coping skills. You were small and poorly-equipped for dealing with many of life's challenges and you did the best you could. Whether you hid and avoided risky, conflicted situations or met them swinging and got into a bunch of fights, you did your best to survive.

Even if you had negative consequences for some of these--like getting in trouble at school or being massively embarrassed by whatever was going on around you--your coping skills helped you. The more challenging the situations you faced, the more devious and powerful the coping skills.

The problem is, however, that as beneficial as these coping behaviors might have been at one time, they're probably not helping you now. When a kid grows up in an argumentative, alcoholic home where arguments often led to physical fights, as an adult he doesn't want to have conflict in his relationships, at all. No conflict. Not even the milder, potentially functional argument over differences with a mate. Every disagreement feels bad and, with this kind of background, it only makes sense to avoid these.

Given that scenario, you don't know how to disagree without things turning ugly, so you'll avoid conflict totally, if you can. Which, of course, you can't.

The coping skills that once benefited you may be hindering you now.

Envision that you're in rough waters, pitching to and fro. You'd grab a life preserver--an inner tube--whatever you could. But while this was helpful in the situation, if you grow up and leave the water, carrying the inner tube with you becomes a nuisance and a hindrance, making it hard to fit into tight spaces and negotiate through life.

You've probably out-grown some of your coping skills and found that these are as much a problem for you now as they were a help before.

Avoiding conflicts, refusing to talk about or acknowledge your feelings, eating to feel better after a fight, hoping disagreements will blow over--none of these really work. Whether your disagreement is with a mate or a best friend, you need to learn to resolve these, to listen to the other person's point-of-view and to talk about your own. This is the only way to work through the issues that spring up between individuals. Knowing your own triggers and those of the other person helps you to find a solution to your conflict.

If you coped with life through chemical means--using pharmaceuticals or pot to mellow you out--you aren't dealing with the emotions and issues that are littering your path. Some coping skills can be beneficial; others aren't.

Everyone needs methods to cope with stressful moments, but these need to be as functional as possible. Even "healthy" behaviors can be unhealthy when taken to extremes. Your coping strategies need to add to your life, not stress you more. Work toward a balance in your life...even if that means losing the inner tube that once held you up. Don't be harsh with yourself for carrying a coping skill around, just don't be chained to it when this behavior isn't helping you, anymore.