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Thursday, October 13, 2011

PUNISHED LOVE LEAVES

"I am a 25 year old professional working in India. I am in a relationship with a girl of the same age from past 3 years. We are no yet married, but we were staying together for last 1 year. I was down with a nagging chest pain for few months and my entire routine got affected due to that. I tried very hard to go for the job. I still managed with her support an care.

Due to my ill health, my work got affected and my performance came down. I started feeling pressurized from all directions. Although we communicated well, we argued because sometimes she comes home little late after her work. Since the place is not so safe, I used to tell her to leave the office on time. It always happens in the other way. One day, she got very late and lost her way. I was a bit angry on her because she repeated the same despite my warnings. I did not go to pick her up. She came home and did not speak a word. I also kept silent. I knew that she was hurt by my behavior. She did not expect this of me.

I usually don't take out my feelings outside, thinking it might hurt her. I suppressed everything within and one day she asked why am I not loving her the way I used to. For the first time, I raised my voice to her. She felt that I don't give importance to her. I was literally tired of thinking about our marriage, my bad health job and financial commitments. She felt I was angry with her. In fact, I was angry with myself because things were going out of my control.

She told me that she is not interested in continuing the relationship. She moved out, saying she doesn't want to see or talk to me anymore. She doesn't reply to mail or phone calls. I understand she's hurt and I realice that this is my fault. I behaved rudely, but only once. I feel guilty after that incident, but she is not ready to listen to me. She said that she's lost the trust in me, but I need her in my life.

Please extend your support in the form of advice or actions to heal my relationship with my love."--H


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Dear H,

I don't think there's much you can do that you haven't already tried. Be honest with yourself, though. This was more than a one-time argument. You've had multiple stressors--what with ill health and job demands--and it's understanable that you've been distressed, but your actions in the relationship haven't helped.

You've been a jerk to her. When we are distressed, we tend to take it out on those closest to us. The ones who love us the most.

You didn't pick her up when she was lost and called you for help. You said yourself that you were angry because she hadn't listened to your warnings. Your frustration about this is understandable, but your behavior was out of line. You may have see this as the consequences of her actions, that she would learn from her bad choices, but she felt unloved. You've been withdrawn from her--as evidenced by her asking if you still loved her--and then there was the one time you yelled at her.

You may be very upset about having lost the relationship, but it's probably gone too far. Relationships die when we abuse and ignore the ones we love. Now, your best bet is to respect her wishes not to talk with you.

Listen to what she wants. Act as if her decisions, her desires are important to you...even if you don't like what she's decided.

* * *

We counselors hear it a lot--couples in trouble say they have developed "trust issues." While the term isn't very clear, it usually means the same thing. They don't feel safe and loved in the relationship anymore.

This usually happens after a breach: Someone cheats, lies or abuses the other person.

You can't flip a switch and instantly heal a broken relationship. It just doesn't work this way and once doubt enters into a love connection, there's trouble in River City. Whether or not it feels like you should have earned brownie points for all the time you were loving and loyal and non-abusive, your actions have now damaged the relationship.

Healing in relationships is a matter of serious change combined with time. The wrong-doer(possibly both of you) has to behave differently for more than a week or a month. It'll probably be even longer before your love feels safe in the relationship again. Things have to change. The difficulty with bouncing back after an assault of this nature is that relationships are so intimate, so vital, so much to the core of who you are--this person loves you and that love is supposed to protect you from hurt and pain. Right?

When the very person who loves you most does a horrible, scary, unacceptable thing, it hurts badly. Trust is damaged. This is the time to learn to communicate clearly--really listen, really learn to say what you need to say. Communicating clearly is challenging and vital.

I'll bet your partner has lots to say.