BLENDING FAMILIES

With relationships failing and adults later dating and re-mating, children frequently become an issue. Parenting has both it's challenges and blessings, but what do you do when parenting problems spill into your relationship?

S.A. writes "...we're very happy with the exception of my boyfriend not liking my daughter. It wasn't this way in the beginning, but has been getting worse for about 7 months now. I can't take it anymore and feel it will ruin our relationship if we do not figure out how to overcome this..."

The sad fact is, S.A., that this will cause your relationship to fail, if not fixed. At least, it should, because your daughter(as annoying as she can be) deserves your care and protection. Parenting involves many blessings and many sacrifices. Kids deserved to be placed at a high priority in your world. If you have to pick--which it's hoped that you don't--you need to choose your daughter over your boyfriend.

There are many, ugly situations in which this doesn't happen and the child will never forget if you choose someone else over her.

That being said, your boyfriend probably has valid reasons for disliking the girl. Heck, she's your daughter and you don't always like her. Like and love are different things; you can have one without the other. The problem you're facing is that he doesn't love her, either.

Parenting and romantic relationships are the two hardest things humans do. Don't think this ought to be easier. It's not. However, you shouldn't have to pick one over the other. The important issue now is between S. A. and her boyfriend.

Start off by asking him to tell you honestly what he doesn't like about the kid. If he'll do this, you really need to keep your mouth shut and listen. Let him say everything he has to say without you rushing in to defend the kid. You'll probably have this urge and you need to fight it. Listen to him. Hear the things he finds troubling, then ask yourself honestly if these things bother you, too. Take some time to ponder this; don't rush into a response.

If you agree with him about the things that bother him, tell him. It's not disloyal to say what you don't like. If the kid's lying, stealing or tattling, these behaviors aren't good for the child. No one likes these and they'll cause problems for her eventually, anyway.

If you agree with him about her behavior, use the connection with your mate to brainstorm ways to deal with the child. It's a parenting reality that you'll need others to help you come up with ways to best cope with bad behavior. Sometimes, parenting is really, really hard.

If you disagree with him--she doesn't do the things he's saying--look at his issues. Parents have a tendency to be blind to their own kids' behaviors. (Think about the parents who go on the stand and plead the innocence of perpetrators who logically seem guilty.) Make sure you're being honest with yourself about your child. If you honestly don't think the issue lies with the kid, look at your partner's feelings. Does he feel threatened by the child? Is he wanting you to pick him over her to prove your love?

If you disagree with him, you need to look at relationship problems. If there is trouble over a child(and it's not really about the child), there are difficulties elsewhere, too. Take a hard, cold look at how you and he interact. Does he listen to what's bothering you? Are you really seeing his point of view? If the two of you have issues that you're avoiding, they'll find you one way or the other.

Bottom Line: You are your child's protector. If you and your boyfriend can't work this out through improved communication, you need to seriously ask if you're really taking care of the kid. If the issues in your relationship are playing out with your child bearing the brunt, you need to leave.

The kid comes first. It may be sad and you may grieve the boyfriend, but she's dependent on you. She deserves to grow up in a safe, non-hostile environment.