ASK A QUESTION

Did you search our site for a particular issue and not find an article about it? Do you have a issue on which you would like Dr. Doss' perspective? You can submit a request for "Solicited Advice" here. Just send an email with your question to advice@family-counseling.org.

Note: Due to the volume of questions that Dr. Doss receives, not all email questions can or will be addressed. Please browse the list of articles on this site or use the search function to look for articles that may address your situation.

Friday, October 8, 2010

STEP-PARENT MISTAKE

Blending two families is a major task and there are pitfalls, but the biggest is when parents want their chosen mate to act as their children's father/mother. You as a parent get to decide if you're going to divorce. You also choose who you date or marry, but you can't make your kids love the same person you love. It's not automatic, no matter how many good qualities you think your chosen partner has or how many bad qualities your ex has.

First off, kids have to deal with the loyalty factor. No matter how bad a parent you think your ex is, he or she is still the biological parent. As such, your kid probably feels a strong loyalty to your ex, particularly with you now dating a newcomer (or worse yet, your kid's best friend's father or your kid's teacher). Even if your ex doesn't pay child support or regularly visit with your kid, the kids still going to feel the loyalty.

Don't try to fight this and don't try to tell the child the truth about your ex. It won't work and your child will just think you're making stuff up. (They have to make up their own minds their parents--you, too.)

So, what to do? If there's no way in hell that you could ever see yourself reconciling with the ex, now what? If you're not okay with taking a vow of celibacy for the rest of your life, you're going to have to deal the a step-parent situation.

Rule One--don't ask your new mate to be a parent to your kids. He/she isn't responsible to make sure the kids do their chores and should be giving out punishment. This isn't fair to either of them. Even if they got along okay with the girlfriend/boyfriend in the beginning, the kids aren't necessarily going to be happy about someone who isn't their parent telling them what to do. Kids are told what to do all the time. They're not happy about having someone new telling them to clean up their rooms.

This scenario isn't good for the step-parent, either. It puts them in the role of the bad-guy and keeps them there.

Rule Two--don't ask your kids to act like this is their biological parent. Just because you fell in love and decided to share your bed with someone new, don't expect them to fall for him/her, too. Even if the actual biological parent sucks, don't think you can just pick a different one now.

So, how do you step-parent? Who gets to decide how you're all going to live together?

Set up a two-level approach: There should be basic house rules that apply to everyone. That means his kids, your kids and, yes, even you adults have to abide by the rules. Things like--if you drop it, pick it up; if you mess it up, clean it up. Basic rules. Clean up your own area, pick up your own towels from the bathroom floor and never bring home a pet without talking about it.

These basic rules are enforced by both adults in the home--kind of a universal thing--but be careful that these apply to everyone. You and your mate have to follow these rules, as do visiting children from either/both spouses' previous relationship. Be fair, don't play favorites. It never works to have two sets of rules...if anyone is expected to clean up after themselves, then everyone does. In particular, don't start applying the rules to one kid, but not another. Or think you're exempt because you're the adult.

Everyone follows the basic rules.

Specific kid situations, however, should be handled by the biological parent. Any consistent issues or problem areas that involve illegal activities are the areas in which the real parent needs to step in.

There are two ways in which this structure is breeched--sadly both of the biggest infractions are made by the adults. If one of you needs to have the validation of being a "parent" and feel you should be obeyed at all times by kids to whom you were insignificant before, then you'll have a problem and the kids will resent you. Try to remember--I'm not the kids' parent, no reason why they should act like I'm important to them.

Truthfully, kids don't always act like their biological parents should have a say-so, why should they give you the time of day?

Problems can also come from childrens' biological parents (who've felt all alone in parenting and overwhelmed) wanting their new romantic partners to step-up and take some of the parenting load. They want the step-parent to make the kids behave and do their chores. They tell them to "be my kid's parent." Single parenting is very difficult. Heck, parenting with two parents is stressful, at times, but co-opting a step-parent to do the job for you just leads to problems.

Your mate feels thrust in the middle of an unwinnable war and your kids feel betrayed.

Wanting to blend your families is an understandable desire. You just want everyone to get along and, if you came through a challenging, difficult earlier marriage/relationship, you probably want happiness and peace now. Who doesn't?

But you have to allow your kids and your mate to get to know each other and when we're talking about the intimacy of parent, this can take quite awhile. Don't think you can thrust intimacy on to everyone and don't think you get to decide who either your kids or your mate is supposed to love. Kids have choices. They like some people and don't like others.

Just like you do.