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Monday, February 26, 2007

Someone, Whoever, Anyone

When you and your current squeeze break-up, what's the first thing you do? Head to the gym? Get a new haircut and wardrobe? Start going out more?

Are you immediately shopping for someone new?

This is how we deal with grief. Dog die? Buy a new puppy. Get a divorce? Register on Match.com or some other computer dating service. In our culture today, we deal with loss through replacement. If at all possible, we turn away from feelings of grief and pain as if we can just turn them off.

No where is this more evident than in the dating/mating climate. For many, being alone is terrifying, even if that means settling for bad relationships. At least, someone wants me, you may tell yourself.

It's not so much that we have substandard requirements as we've lowered our standards.

Do you know yourself? Know the kind of person who can help you grow and be stronger? Help you deal with your issues? Are you a better person because you're in your relationship? Don't settle for a relationship that doesn't help you just because you feel you must have someone. You can survive the loss of relationship. Finding a replacement to avoid your grief doesn't make things better. Believe in yourself enough to feel the feelings of loss.

Let's be honest. Grief, loss, pain, missing someone…all of these emotions hurt like hell. Why would anyone want this? But you're forgetting that some experiences are linked together. Like sweating at the gym gives you a more toned body, dealing with uncomfortable emotions can help you develop yourself. When you can handle the really difficult moments of life, you have more belief in yourself, feel safer, less afraid and more capable.

I'm not saying that you should want to hurt or want to suffer the loss of relationships. I'm saying that many of us are running so hard from these feelings that we become convinced of our own fragility. Relationships end. This is a sad reality and we need to look seriously at what we contributed to the end. But going through an endless revolving door of relationships without ever feeling loss or examining ourselves, this leads you to nothing, but more grief.

Self-esteem isn't built by others telling you how wonderful you are. If you don't believe these words, you aren't any better off. We build self-esteem through coping successfully with life.

Learn to face the life-situations in front of you, even if that means loss. You'll grow in the long run.