GETTING PROOF

One reader writes, "How do I know my mate is cheating? He tells me I'm imagining things. Maybe he's right. Do I need to sneak around and read his texts to get proof that he's seeing someone else?"

The sad truth is that too many people are cheating. Some estimates suggest that 80% of individuals have or will step out on a committed mate. This may be high, but there's no question that a lot of cheating is going on. If a relationship has big issues, do you need proof that your significant other is stepping out?

With cell phones and texting and on-line hijinks, everyone leaves a trail of everything they do. Finding proof of wrong-doing can be easy, if you need it--but do you need it?

Probably not. If you think things are bad and you have a suspicion of extra-relationship things going on, the two of you need to talk to a therapist. If you see issues in the relationship, you deserve to get these addressed.

Individuals can lie their way out of almost anything, so don't think you just need to confront him about this. Whether cheating a boss by calling in sick when golf is more attractive or cheating on a spouse, deception is easy. In some cases, the lies aren't very good, but when you require proof of misdeeds, you'd better hire a private snoop--or get very good at it yourself.

Needing proof can indicate other things:

You don't have faith in your own sense of the problems in the relationship. This may be indicative of your lack of faith in yourself, in general.

You know there's a real problem, but you hope you're wrong. Sometimes you feel the need of proof when you don't want to accept the reality of the relationship. You're hoping that you're imagining things. (After all, you don't know that he's really cheating. It's not like you have proof.)

You don't like the options you'd have if he were cheating. Sometimes its financially difficult to leave him, so you'd rather be wrong about what you know in your gut. Or you love him very, very much and you think all cheating has to mean a loss of the relationship, so you don't want to know if he's really stepping out on you because you're not ready the get rid of him.

Cheating doesn't have to mean the end of a relationship--and staying if he's cheated doesn't make you a pathetic loser. But cheating is a big indication of problems in the relationship that need to be fixed--both of you deserve this. The cheater isn't just a terrible ogre. The situation is usually much more complicated and deserves a good look.

But you won't get to that point if you dither around looking for him to admit his infidelity. (Why should he?) The need for cast-iron proof or for an admission of guilt can stop the healing.

If you need proof, it's there. Just look for it. If you don't find the evidence of wrong-doing, maybe you need to look at what is happening in the relationship. You're not nuts. Go on that assumption.