Thinking Seperation?

If things are rocky between you two, separating might sound less traumatic and final than breaking-up. You need to think about this, though. Individuals have a variety of reasons they prefer separation. Look clearly at your reasons. If you've been in a committed relationship, you have feelings for the person you've been with--maybe a big mix of feelings. If it's hard to think about just separating, but you need a good reason why you're not leaving for good.

You'd probably argue that you love the person you're with. You just aren't sure the two of you can continue the way the relationship has been. If you're living together, you may feel you need some "space." Perhaps things have gotten intense between you. You might tell yourself you just need to breathe. It's not like you want to completely walk away--at least, not yet--but staying the way things are now, isn't good either. No one considers separation unless the relationship has been rough awhile.

You need to be honest with yourself, however. Ask yourself these questions:

Are you trying to let your partner down gently? If your mate still wants the relationship and you don't, you can feel like a heel just walking away. Maybe you don't want to be the bad guy. Who doesn't care what others will think? You might feel bad if you don't do everything you can to try to make it work. If you can't fix it, you tell yourself, then you'll walk away.

But hope can be painful. If you're really done with your relationship, just walk away. Don't keep your partner in the emotional turmoil of uncertainty. This isn't kind. If you want to go, just go.

Are you trying to hang on to a relationship? Some people suggest separation to keep a partner from walking away completely. Usually, when it comes to this, things have been bad for a long time. Separation can seem like your only hope to hang on to the relationship, but living apart or not talking for awhile doesn't automatically make anything better. If things are this bad, go see a therapist and really look at your part in the mess.

Are you trying to see if you'll find someone else better before you let go of this relationship? This is a "training wheels" kind of perspective. If you don't look seriously at what you contributed to one relationship that failed, you're doomed to repeat your mistakes in the next one. Being emotionally-disconnected enough to start looking around for your next relationship means you might as well leave.

The tendency to treat emotional connections like a relay race--only letting go of one when you have the next one lined up--prevents you from learning. Many people feel they just cannot be alone. They're only happy when they have someone to be in a relationship with, even if the new person isn't necessarily who they need or isn't at the top of their list. Having no one is better than getting with just anyone.

Are you trying to find out if you'll miss your mate? Maybe you're not sure whether this relationship is where you want to be. You might be frustrated enough that there are days when you're ready to leave, but you'd like to try it out first. Take a test drive. After all, you don't hate him. You tell yourself that maybe you'll miss him and want to go back and everything will be good again.

Unless you're actively working on (therapy!) the relationship, nothing is going to be made different by living apart or not seeing one another. You have to change your interaction or the relationship is going to be the same.

Have you already found a new, "better" relationship? This can seem like the best and worst of both worlds. Your old relationship has had many problems--enough so that you pulled out emotionally and found someone else--but the two of you have history, a shared past. Maybe a shared house or a kid. The new relationship is shiny and "perfect". This new person understands you in a way you hadn't thought possible. You feel amazing when you're with her and you can't imagine it ever being different.

But you feel guilty about cheating on your previous relationship.

Suck it up. If you're into another relationship, it's not fair to hang on to your old one "just in case". You may have a fall-back job interview while you wait to see if the job you want comes through, but in relationship-land, this is cheating.

If you've got someone else and it seems to work out, you're unlikely to go back. While no relationship is perfect or conflict-free, you've already left your previous relationship.

Don't call it separation when you know it's over. Just be honest and leave. Relationships are complicated and can be fraught with problems, but separation is rarely the answer.