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S.D. writes "I have a mother who is VERY HARD to communicate with. My mother and older sister are so much alike. I've never had a close relationship with either of them. There are a lot of issues I wish to address but feel it is impossible to get through to them." She continues on, writing about an adolescent brother and her mom's poor parenting of him. "What should I do? And what should I do if I want to be closer to my mom and sister?"
Another reader writes of her concern for her elderly parents and their distress over the state of her relationship with her sister. She feels her sister is destructive to her and bullying, but her parents are torn between the two sisters. The reader says she feels happier and at peace with her decision to end her relationship with her sister. "I needed to let her go for my health and happiness...She has done numerous cruel, childish things to me...She wants an apology[from me] .... Am I wrong...to [not] keep a negative, hurtful person in my life because they can't deal with her?"
Just because you're biologically related to others doesn't mean the interaction is automatically healthy. Ask the kids in foster care. The problem with family members, though, is that you sometimes think you ought to be able to tell them how you see things and that they ought to give your opinion some consideration. S.D. disagrees with the way her mother parents her teenage brother--and it can be hard to watch what you consider poor parenting. But does that mean you can share your opinions and mom should be happy about them? Let's be straight about this, you're talking about your conviction that your mom is doing a very poor parenting job...and you want her to be happy about your opinion? Not going to happen.
S.D. asks what she should do to be closer to her mom and sister, but I'm wondering if closeness is really desired in this situation. If you don't like them, you don't want to get that much closer...and it's okay not to like them. Some of us have really unlikeable relatives.
The reader who writes about her elderly parents grieving over her non-relationship with her sister also has to accept some unhappy realities. There's nothing to be done about their sadness that the two of you are at such odds. They wish for a Norman Rockwell family, which is understandable. You know that's not how things are. They can't have what they want, which stinks. This reader can only be a loving daughter. There's nothing she can do to change her sister and self-protection is a right. On the other hand, dear reader, look at your own behavior. Try to be the best person you can be. You have power over your own choices, not over your sister's choices or those of your parents.
This can be a tough reality. You can't change others--even the ones you love. You only get to direct your own life. Whether this includes bad parenting of a younger sibling or a desire for you to get along better with a relative who's bad for your health, you have to take care of yourself.
This is hard enough.
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For women dealing with relationship decisions--like Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock--I have book that's being released this month. Should I Leave Him? specifically focuses on how to address the challenging decision of whether to stay or go. It also offers some concrete suggestions on ways damaged relationships can be improved, if that's what both parties want. And if you decide you need to move on, there are specific ideas on creating a new life for yourself. Should I Leave Him? is available at your local bookstore and on-line at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com.
