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This is a hard fantasy to give up. We want to believe if we just find the right person, then our relationships will be easy and we’ll magically be happy. Don’t delude yourself. Relationships are a lot like working out. It’s not supposed to be easy.
The point is getting healthy and learning to deal with your own stuff. Learning to give up behaviors that don’t bring you good things is part of growing up, part of getting healthy. Doesn’t your relationship partner need to help you make good choices?
You may be one of those folks who buy the infomercial promises of losing weight without exercising or limiting your food intake. It’s easy! So not true. This is similar to thinking and telling yourself that your relationship should also be easy…that it shouldn’t require changes on your part.
Don’t believe it.
This relationship thing is hugely complicated and some patterns of conflict can be unhealthy. Sometimes your partner will ask for unreasonable things from you. You might be asked to participate in a lifestyle that makes you uncomfortable or activities that torpedo your self-esteem. So what then? If you’re supposed to tough out relationship issues and try to be open to growing and changing yourself, doesn’t that mean pretty much doing what your partner wants?
No, that’s not what I’m saying. We’re not just talking about going along.
Values—your beliefs about right and wrong, your spiritual beliefs, even your money behaviors—are probably best shared. Generally, couples who have similar values have a better chance of success in their relationships. But sometimes your values aren’t good for you and reflect personal issues you’ve not successfully addressed. This is where you want a partner to challenge you. You want your partner to help you deal with issues that are getting in your way.
There are some couples whose highest priority seems to be financial success and the conspicuous consumption that can accompany it. This can include everything from workaholism to projecting your need for appearing successful on your children. Is little Mikayla’s SAT score or what colleges she gets into really about you? Yes, you as her parent have a lot of impact, but do her achievements seem more about you than her?
Values sometimes need to be reevaluated. Relationship conflict can lead you right up to the issues you need to confront. Sadly, some couples choose mates because there appears to be little or no conflict. The healthiest couples with the best shot at long-term happiness have similar values, but not necessarily similar personalities. When people don’t want to deal with conflict, they can choose mates with a similar life perspective. After all, the thinking goes, if we think alike, we won’t argue. We won’t fight or have conflict.
So not true. The tendency to conflict is part of human nature. We just need to deal with it in a healthy, constructive way. Relationships are like playing on a see-saw; both people sitting on the same side is both boring and unproductive.
Conflict doesn’t have to be expressed in yelling, screaming fits or in physical violence. We engage in these behaviors when we don’t know how to resolve our differences. When we don’t know how to listen without believing we’re being personally attacked. Taking other points-of-view into account can open up your world and help you consider new ways of looking at yourself and others. The other guy can be right about some things without it meaning that you’re wrong. You both may have pieces of the puzzle.
But that involves everyone being able to talk about the way they see things. This is the only way we grow. If we're exchanging different perspectives, we sometimes going to disagree and we need to work this through.
“Happily Ever After” should be re-written to include healthy, constructive conflict.
