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Thursday, January 16, 2014

OBSTUCTIVE PARENTING

The last thing most parents want to do is get in the way of their kids' happiness, but being a parent is one of the most up-close, challenging jobs in the world. We can actually end up hurting the very kids we love so desperately.

Take the most obvious example--actively trying to keep kids from spending time with a parent you're no longer with. Endless numbers of experts have made statements about parents not fighting in front of kids and that kids need both parents in their lives, if at all possible. Lots of research indicates that children without fathers have a harder time in school and in life and few would dispute that mothers are massively important.

The people who ignore court-ordered visitation of the non-custodial parent and throw up every boundary to keep the kids away, they aren't primarily concerned with what's happening to their children. These folks are mad and use every weapon at their disposal to punish the ex. Sadly, in doing this, they most hurt the kids they are supposed to love. You know, the weapons.

It is ironic, that we can also get in our kids way--not only by keeping loved ones away from them--but by giving too much to the children we love. Yes, you need to check the urge to give your kids the things you didn't have. Although you probably hated those character-building moments when you struggled for everything you got, you probably benefited from the struggle. You got a great gift--if you gave yourself credit for your achievements. You learned that you can make your world what you need it to be. You proved you have the power to make stuff happen.

Everyone knows an adult still living in his or her parent's basement--not working or going to school. Lots of folks lost jobs in the economic downturn or struggled to make a living at a low-paying jobs, but some kids (using the term loosely here) never make the shift to making their own way in life. One of the worst things parents can do for a child is to give him everything.

Good parenting is about loving kids--making sure they are safe and secure when they are young and getting the heck out of the way as they grow older. This last part can be difficult because it sometimes means standing back and watching while our children struggle. This is painfully hard.

Whether your ex is a jerk who skips visitation and you have the urge to lie to your kids about "daddy loves you, he's just working" or if you just really hate our ex, staying out of the relationship gives your kid the best shot. Many parents who try to obstruct the ex's parental involvement say they're just trying to protect the child, but children need to begin dealing with the realities of life, so they start believing in they're own power.

They also need to earn their perks.

Give your children the things they need--clothes to keep them warm and a safe place to live. Believe in them. Listen to them when they talk about their challenges, but remember, the parenting role is designed to move from all-caretaking to all-cheering. Verb to noun. Action to description. You parent when they are younger; you are a parent, when they become adults.

Giving them all the luxuries of life may be fun for parents, but it doesn't help them build the muscles they need to do the heavily lifting that life requires. Don't step in when your kids can handle their own challenges...and they can do this more often than parents think.

When my eldest child worked at 6 Flags, she called in sick to play hooky one day. Her boss called the house to check on her and her father and I innocently said she was at work. She was busted. Although it was difficult, when she showed up home later, we took her car and sent her back to work--in the family sedan--to face her boss.

The most powerful gift you give your child is believing in his capacity to handle difficult things. That means, you not always rushing to the rescue.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

THE RELATIONSHIP POWER SCALE

No one wants to talk about power issues in a relationship, but these are typically present and can cause issues if not addressed. When individuals fall in love, they usually don't want to look at the nuts and bolts of issues. When they're focusing on riding off into the sunset together, talking about problems that may spring up feels like inviting trouble.

There's no denying, however, that power issues can rock a relationship off it's footings--

It's all about the cash:

Money is a big power issue. This can start with which partner makes more money and segue from there into other issues, like "I work harder and make more money, so you should handle the household chores" or the kids. Possibly both. Money can effect whether partners stay when things are bad in the relationship. This may involve not wanting to change a lifestyle(to which you've become accustomed) or not having a skill set to enable the leaving partner to support him or herself.

Some still struggle with gender issues and money. Although this is less common amongst the younger generation, many men grew up with the expectation that they'd be the breadwinner of their families. They may feel disenfranchised by having a wife who makes more money.

Money issues reflect conflicts elsewhere, as well. Couples can bitterly resent unfair spending of money and often wrestle with whether the highest wage earner gets more say-so about where money is spent. 

What's age got to do with it:

Whether the man or woman is five or more years older, age can impact several parts of relationships. Having a partner who has a different generation perspective can be challenging as individuals age. One may prefer different social activities or different music. You may even be uncomfortable socializing with your partner's preferred group.

Age can also influence preferred lifestyles. This can involve the time at which you settle down and stop partying hard, the changes in where you want to live and if you're ready for(or finished with) childrearing.

Educational or career disparity:

When person has significantly more education than the other, it may not be a problem, at all. But in the complex configuration of who's got more power, education plays a role. This may be seen in who has more career options(and so the other should move to wherever the high wage earner wants to go) or even issues of who's "smarter".

By the way, having more education doesn't mean anything about having a higher intelligence.

Relationships are one of the hardest things we do on this earth. It pays to be aware of who feels less-than and how power is used to address conflict.