Posts
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Dear Faithful Now,
It sounds like you're giving yourself both too much credit and too much blame in this situation. You're definitely at fault for cheating in the first place (this is a choice you did make) and it sounds like you're saying that it's somehow your fault that she cheated (not your fault). So, both your infidelity and her infidelity were your fault? (You weren't paying enough attention to her, so she HAD to cheat, too?)
Don't think I'm being flippant or dismissive here. Cheating is a big deal in committed relationships. It cuts to the core and is always harmful, even if the cheated-on mate doesn't find out. I think it's important, though, for you to both have the power of choice. You didn't make her cheat. This was something you both did--You both made bad choices.
As to how to "get over" the past, I think you need to actively deal with the issues between the two of you. You need to be as direct as possible and learn how to talk/listen to one another. Believe me, this isn't simple.
Feeling guilty over the cheating is reasonable. It's appropriate. We feel bad when we break promises, hurt others or do things that contradict our own values. In this case, feeling bad about the choice makes sense. Living in the past, however, ususally means that current issues aren't being addressed.
There's stuff still there, under the rug. You need to dig it out.
There's a whole range of possibilities here--I'm just guessing. Lots of stuff could be going on both between you and in you. The problem is that whatever is happening is hurting the relationship. You two need some honest talk about the things that make you crazy and yes, these things can seem small and piddly (but still really annoying).
Work out the issues between you and the past will fade.
* * *
You may have stood up before God and witnesses, swearing your troth only to one another--or you just may have a commitment between the two of you. Either way, cheating is a bad idea.
There are even websites devoted to helping you find others to cheat, but stepping out on your significant other is a lousy way to handle the conflicts in the relationship. Many people cite multiple reasons they cannot leave their current relationships, saying they have to cheat, but this is wrong in multiple ways.
1. "We have kids together and I don't want to break up the family."
2. "I don't want to lower my standard of living by leaving my mate."
3. "A divorce would mean I've failed."
4. "My parents/her parents would be very upset if we divorced."
5. "I want to stay with him because I love him, but things aren't good now. So, cheating seems okay."
6. "I want it all--him and other sexual partners--even if he's not okay with this."
7. "It just happened."
This last one is particularly confusing because someone unzipped something in order to get naked enough to have sex. You don't just stumble and fall on someone else's private parts.
When we make lousy choices, we feel bad. Maybe not initially, but eventually. Usually, the bad feelings are all mixed up with other feelings. Cheaters tend to have moments of euphoria and a sense of great connection with the person they're seeing on the side. This "soul-mate" sense is an illusion, though. Affairs that turn into committed relationships tend to end up in the same, sad place at some point, with the individuals involved then finding themselves wanting to cheat on the person they previously cheated with.
It's not a pretty cycle.
So, just don't. Even if the temptation is overwhelming. Go home and talk to your committed partner. Talk about the hard stuff. Work really, really hard on listening. Even if it hurts.
You may end up leaving that relationship anyway, but at least you'll avoid the drama and guilt associated with infidelity.
Let's just leave out the spiritual or religious aspects of this and concentrate on what you're doing to yourself.
