SOMETIMES DEFIANCE FEELS LIKE POWER

If you've ever been around a two year-old, you've seen defiance. At two and a half years, most children become excellent at saying "No!" From a developmental perspective, we know that kids this age are just learning to separate themselves as individuals. They protest and refuse almost everything and they usually do it loudly. These same kids typically have moments when they're clingy and struggle with separation.

Now, try to imagine a twenty-five year-old or a fifty year-old with the same kinds of behavior. Learning to experience personal power is very difficult because we don't always have the option to do just what we want without consequences. Think of the number of times you've wanted to whack your boss.

It's the same thing because sometimes when we're struggling to find our personal power, we fall back on defiance. Some people always feel powerless. These individuals often bully those they see as less powerful. Bullies always have a poor self-perception and struggle to feel power.

Some people spend their lives fighting whatever or whoever they see as having the power they can't get. Whether this involves breaking the law--like crotch-rocket motorcycle drivers who run from the law--or bashing others financially, emotionally or physically. Defiance feels like grabbing power, but personal power can't be stolen from you. You get to decide how you're going to function and, even in restrictive situations, you always have the right to choose your own actions.

Whether we're talking about kids beating up weaker kids on school playgrounds, mates beating up supposedly-significant others or stealing, these are moments with the ones misbehaving are trying to feel powerful. Think of all the ways individuals steal in this world--all power issues. Whether a salesperson is driven to get the sale out of a need to feel better or a boss puts down an employee, examples of perceived powerlessness are all around us.

Check yourself--if you feel you don't have options and you're trapped in a relationship or job, you need to find out how you're giving up your own choices. You may not be seeing your own power.