Posts
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Dear Frustrated,
It might help to mention that 10 1/2 to 11 years is a developmentally rough time--kind of like when she was 2 and yelled no at you all the time. Things will settle down in about six months (until another rough developmental period rolls around). Another reality is that pretty much all kids lie and this is understandable when you consider that children are dependent and less powerful than adults. The deck is stacked in your favor. You've got the power.
I know it doesn't feel that way when you're wrestling with her acting out. Children can really be difficult, at times.
Keeping those things in mind, there are a couple of behaviors parents need to avoid when it comes to lying. Don't ask her a question when you know the answer. We parents are sometimes guilty of setting kids up to lie. We ask them what they're up to when we know what they're doing. We ask them if they did a certain thing when we know they did it.
There's even a video on YouTube of a kid with cupcake sprinkles all over his guilty face and his mother asking him if he ate the cupcake. Of course, the kid lies.
Giving her consequences for lies is a good option. Remember, growth is a process. Sometimes it is a two-steps-forward-one-step back thing. Having seen your rewards make a difference is a sign that the things you've done are having impact. She also needs to experience her own power in positive ways. Give her choices whenever you can and let her be in charge of the small things. Let her choose which chores she wants and when in the day she does these. Within the bounds of weather and modesty, let her pick her clothes--even if they don't match.
Parenting is one of the most challenging jobs we ever undertake, even though the rewards can be great.
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ENCOURAGING RISK-TAKING
Parenting is all about helping your children move forward in a healthy way, but forward movement can be scary for all. We don't want our kids to do death-defying stunts that get uploaded on the internet and we certainly don't want them engaging in risky sexual behavior or ingesting illegal substances. There are some kinds of risks, however, that we do want them to take.
Think back to your own childhood and adolescence.... If you moved to a new school, you learned to make new friends and you might even have tried out for sports or for a role in the school musical. These all felt scary because they involved taking the risk of rejection and maybe even ridicule.
You want your kids to risk being different from the crowd, especially if the crowd is doing bad, dangerous things.
As children get older, they approach the very scary reality of Adulthood, of making their own living and creating lives of their own. I see lots of very intelligent teens who are struggling with anxiety as they approach high school graduation. What's next? What if they choose wrong? What if they can't get into the college of their choice? Or, worse yet, what if they get in and hate it?
The best gift you can give your child--by far--is believing in him. Everyone reading this silently thought of course I believe in my kid, but this isn't as simple as it sounds. Parents need to internalize and remember the words "My kid is strong and capable." Repeat this back to yourself when the child does something foolish(life lesson straight ahead) or when he or she faces a harsh or unfair reality. Doesn't get the part-time job or gets rejected by the college of his choice.
Life involves rejections. You know this from experience, right? But the biggest success when we're facing failure is to get back up again. Try again...and again. Shift our focus and adjust our efforts and go at it again.
As parents, we need to send out the message that we believe in them. We know they can handle whatever comes. We can say this(whenever appropriate) and we need to keep it front and center in our brains. Transmit it. You may or may not have had people who believed in you, but you know the power of that gift.
Appropriate risk-taking is a life skill. It's how we develop healthy self-esteem, that and noticing our successes. Give your kids the gift of encouraging them to take the leap. Do this because--even though you're behind the kid chewing your fingernails to the nub out of your desire for them to get the job/win the contest/make the vault--you need to transmit that you believe in them.
You're tremendously important, even though they don't always let you see this. Believe in your children's capacity to cope with life.
