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Monday, September 17, 2007

Getting Over It

So you had a thing and now she won't talk to you and you don't really give a flip 'cause talking won't make a damn bit of difference anyway. It never does. She says the same things and you end up saying the same things because she apparently didn't hear you when you said them before.

It's just better to go your separate ways for a while and just forget about it, right? What's the point of talking anyway? You just end up fighting.

Wrong. Getting over it without some real understanding and resolution of the problem between the two of you is fantasy. When you fight and give each other the silent treatment until someone gets tired of being mad and starts acting like it never happened, bad stuff is actually happening to the relationship. I know this sounds crazy, but when you start acting like you never had an argument, you're actually giving up on the resolution process.

The question you really need to ask is, Am I really resolved with this? And, Is my mate really resolved?

Do the same arguments keep popping up? Are you yelling the same things at one another? And most importantly, do you feel heard? Repetitive arguments are a sign that the last one didn't take. And this is a bad thing. Every time you circle around a conflict without sticking through the disagreement until you both find some resolution, a piece of your love dies.

You may get tired of arguing. You probably feel like fighting doesn't get you anywhere, but blowing it off is the worst thing you can do. Eventually, one or both of you is going to get really tired of not feeling important or listened to. This dysfunctional communication style can be found when dealing with various issues in a relationship. It almost always signals the eventual end of a relationship. Its not the arguing that leads to the end, but the walking away from an issue that never gets really settled.

"We just agreed to disagree," couples will say and this is okay if we're talking favorite bands or foods. It doesn't work well, however, if the fight is over money--our money--kids or housework. You have to find some way to hear the other person and you sure as heck need to feel like he or she is hearing you. Otherwise, you won't experience being important or loved. After all, when someone loves you, they care what you think. They care about the things that are important to you.

So, learn to fight. Communicate! Listen to your partner and insist on him or her listening to you.