Fix The Kid

Parents frequently call for counseling when they're tearing their hair out, furious and frustrated. Their child is flunking, fighting or giving them attitude and they want the kid fixed.

They want back the young, loving child they once had who gave them sticky-faced hugs and mispronounced their words. That kid was afraid of the dark or bugs or his own nightmares and he knew you could always make everything better. That kid thought you were a god.

Being a parent is the hardest thing--next to romantic relationships--you will ever do on this Earth. You take a very small child and nurture her through a thousand stages, protect her and shelter her against storms...all the while earning a living and dealing with your own stuff. It's difficult and the kid can seem to be bent on making it harder.

What with the blossoming of the behavioral sciences field, we claim that we have a label for every tendency and drugs to handle most of these. It's understandable that parents--in the midst of the craziest part of parenting--want professionals to fix their kid. Something must be off: brain chemistry, allergies to something or some inherited tendency toward mental illness.

You're desperate and you want answers. You need this to be different.

The good--and bad--news is that you have a bigger part in this whole mess than it seems. You may have tried your very best. You've walked the floor at night. You've corrected his table manners. You've worked like a dog to provide for your child. You given the kid more than you could ever have dreamed of as a child. You probably even wonder if you've given your child too much. He's texting between bites at dinner and surfing the web on his iPhone. You wonder if this crazy world is making him--and you--crazier and if we should all become Amish.

Don't hesitate to talk to a therapist and ask for guidance in the parenting choices you're facing now. This isn't saying that you're a bad parent or that you've somehow screwed your kid up. It's just that this is a big, big job. You'd consult with an architect before building a big addition on your house. You'd ask a physician's advice if you had a major health issue to respond to...asking a therapist for input isn't different.

Don't hesitate to incorporate the therapist as your assistant. And don't think you're being told you the problem. You might be afraid that we'll diagnose you and try to put you on more medication. (You might actually be ready to talk about the medication part, if the kid's really driving you crazy.) You might wonder if you're responsible for the troubles your child is having.

You may be afraid that going to a counselor/therapist will just confirm this.

You know this kid is smart. Despite the stupid choices she's making. The smarter the kid, the more challenging she is to raise. You know she's part of this problem. She's making bad choices and she doesn't listen when you point this out.

Give yourself a break. A counselor will know that raising kids is a complicated, challenging thing. A good therapist isn't going to give you all the responsibility or all the blame for what's happening. But a counselor ought to have some ways you can better get through to your child. He or she might point out some natural consequences to your child's choices that you've been blocking and which might help him to learn.

A good therapist is going to hear you...and help. That's the point. Don't try to haul your kid in--protesting--to get the therapist to fix her.

Make an appointment yourself. Get someone on your side.