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Are you robbing your child? Sapping his independence? Maybe you should stop rescuing.
You love your kids! You give them everything you can. You'd kill anyone who hurt them…but can parenting be over-done? Are you giving them too much stuff? Doing too much for them? Stepping in to save them when they've done something foolish? It’s a sad fact that even though your motives are based on the strongest love, you might be undermining your children.
We give extravagantly to our children at Christmas and throw them big birthday parties. But children can be given too much--protected too much--and, sadly, get the message that they aren't able to earn for themselves. You never meant to say that, but aren't you conveying by your actions that they need someone to step in and make it all okay? This "rescue" mentality comes from our desire for their lives to always be wonderful. It is a reality, however, that challenges must be met in life. You may not like this reality--I don't like it much myself--but grappling with difficulties and succeeding is how we all learn. It is, also, how we learn that we're pretty smart. We meet challenges and sometimes fail, but we also sometimes overcome and that's an amazing feeling.
If you want your kids to be and feel strong, let them deal with the consequences of their choices.
You might be thinking, Aren't parents supposed to protect their kids? Isn't that in the job description? Sure. The hard part, however, is finding the balance between protection and being over-protective. Having mom or dad step in for kids can signal to them that they can't do it themselves. So, you need to be really sure when you do the parental thing that your kids can't actually do it for themselves. Bad grade in school? Maybe the kid needs to talk to the teacher herself... with you there so you'll know what is happening.
Kids desperately need to learn responsibility and this is even bigger than whether or not they clean their rooms. Parents tend to want to step in to help their children, but rescuing them from the results of their own choices can actually tell them that their behavior doesn't matter. It doesn't count! You may lecture them on thinking before they act, but are you continually giving them second chances? He didn't finish his homework, you might think, but if he doesn't play this high school football game, he might not make it to the pros.
Your son may have the talent to play professional football, but will he have the basic life skills to be a success? Or will he end up, like many athletes, making financial or legal choices that get him on the news in a bad way? Love your kids by letting them make their choices and letting them deal with the consequences. Start when they're young and the choices are naturally much smaller. The consequences aren't so life altering.
Let the kid wear what he wants even if it doesn't match. As long as he's weather-appropriate and size-appropriate, maybe it doesn't matter. Allow him the choice so he gets used to making choices. Let your daughter keep her room the way she wants, even if it doesn't match your idea of cleanliness. She may eventually realize that she can find stuff when her room is clean.
Remember the big picture. It's more important to help them learn to make choices than what other people may think about you as a parent. Is making sure other people think you're a good parent your biggest concern? Let the kids wear mismatched clothing and trash their rooms, if they want. Allow them some choices. Over-parenting tends to be controlling and, even if you don't want your neighbors and relatives to think you're a pig who can't match clothing, how the kids reflect on you isn't the biggest concern.
Children need to figure out that they are making choices and as they get older, those choices can effect the rest of their lives. It's your job to function as a support person--and this can be challenging in itself. Help them fill out their college applications. Always be ready to help if they have homework questions. Make sure your own life isn't in too much chaos. Be available, but don't make your kids' choices for them and don't let them forget that the choices they're making are going to create the lives they live.