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Friday, February 11, 2011

SEX & ANXIETY

You can pay for Viagra and Cialis and other erectile dysfunction drugs, but your sexual difficulties may be more directly related to anxiety than any physical cause. Anxiety is sexual satisfaction's enemy. For both men and women, anxiety can disrupt the cycle of sexual arousal to sexual fulfillment.

The biggest contributing factor to anxiety and sexual dysfunction are relationship issues.

You can fill the bedroom with red rose petals and pour the champagne, but if you and your partner have unresolved issues, you probably won't have much naked fun. The actual sexiest thing you can do for your relationship has nothing to do with Victoria's Secret or bustiers. You just need to learn to really listen to one another.

Caring enough to focus on and tune into your partner conveys love. Listening is the most powerful tool for this, but too often it seems like listening conveys agreeing. We often feel that just by hearing our partners' concerns and feelings, this means they win. We lose. They're right. We're wrong.

Again.

There's nothing fun or sexy about losing, but listening doesn't mean losing. You can hear your partner--echoing this back to make sure you got what was being said--without agreeing that he/she is King of the Relationship. Being always right isn't good in a relationship (it means your partner is always wrong and that's just no fun), but you need to feel listened to, yourself.

Don't start by demanding to be heard, however. Demands don't usually convey "I love you." If you're in your relationship because you really value your partner, you need to limit the demands. You do, however, need to be heard and understood yourself. It may seem backwards, but start by listening to your mate. Hear her/his concerns and opinions. Repeat these back and keep trying until you can actually say what your partner means.

Then it's your turn. Don't rush into this. Don't think you have to speak your piece right on the heels of your exercise in hearing him/her. This will just convey that you didn't actually listen. But later, a day or so after you work hard at hearing your partner, it'll be important for you to talk about what you feel.

Remember, this doesn't mean you get to say what you think he's doing. "I feel that you...." is not how an expression of actual feeling starts. This is a judgement and an opinion about the other person. You know how you react if someone talks to you this way. You don't want to keep listening.

Don't express yourself in this manner. You won't be heard. When you talk about your feeling--your concerns--your issues--start with "I feel...." You can even say "I don't understand...." or "I don't like...," but stay with your own reactions. Don't make a judgement about your partner. The fartherest you need to go down this path is to say "...It seems like you don't care what happens with our money" or "...I have a hard time feeling loved when you don't care about my sexual experience."

Communication is the sexiest thing you can do and if you deal with issues in the relationship, you're less likely to have anxiety-related sexual performance issues.