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Friday, March 15, 2013

HOW TO FORGIVE


"My husband and I have a happy healthy relationship for the most part, but it changes when he goes to work.  He works out of town every other week and it seems like every time he leaves we start arguing.  The minute he gets home we are as happy as can be.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I know I'm mostly the cause of it all and I just want help to get through this.  What do I need to do?"

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First off, accept that you miss him terribly when he's gone. You say that you know you're the cause of the arguments, so I'm guessing you start the fights, for the most part. Maybe you get really prickly when he's about to go.
 
Ask yourself how you feel about this job of his that takes him away every other week. Do you feel resentful that he hasn't changed to a job that would allow him to live with you all the time? Be honest with yourself and don't beat yourself up, regardless of your answer to the question. We shut down our own self-processing when we label ourselves as wrong or bad for feeling a certain way.
 
His being gone half the time may leave you feeling abandoned and unloved. Even if you believe with all your heart that he loves you, you can still feel unloved at those moments.
 
You may think his staying with the job is the best option, but that doesn't mean that a part of you isn't upset about it.
 
Then, focus hard on conveying to him just how much you love him when he's about to leave. Think of what you'd want to say and do if you were never going to see him again. You'd want him to really know how much you love him. This is when choice guides behavior, not feeling. If you go by how you're feeling when he's packing up to leave--again--you'd let everything rip. But this is when you don't base your actions on how you feel. You choose to behave in a manner different from your emotions.

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HOW TO FORGIVE
 
Few of us haven't been battered a little by this life. Forgiveness becomes an issue when you've suffered an injury either done by some random fool--say in the case of being the victim of crime--or by someone you love.
 
We've seen the stories on television of a relative forgiving the one who murdered a loved one and this is admirable. But most of us feel damaged greatest by the people who we had thought loved us. This can cause incredible pain and can lead you to feel stupid because you didn't see it coming. You never thought the one you loved would do this(whatever) to you.
 
He or she might have left you or stole from you and then left you or cheated on you. Regardless, you probably have had vengeful thoughts that may have involved doing harm to the person you thought loved you.
 
Then--just look up getting revenge online--you have people tell you to forgive for your own sake.
 
They just don't tell you how to do this. So I'm giving a few tips on this very difficult issue.
 
There are two types of forgiveness: Unilateral--you forgiving because you don't want this injury eating you from the inside--and requested forgiveness. When forgiveness is requested, you might want to give it, hoping to put the traumatic moment behind you two and get back to being loved. Don't succumb to the urge without some careful thought.
 
Unilateral Forgiveness:
 
This is really about loving yourself. When you harbor anger and hatred toward another, you're using a tremendous amount of your energy. It takes a lot of power to maintain anger at a big level. You could find better uses for your internal power than giving it to someone who has already offended you.
 
Forgiveness in no way says that whatever the other person did is okay with you. Injuring or betraying another person diminishes the one doing the harm. It's not okay.
 
Trust me, it isn't personal. When a human being harms another, it usually isn't about the one harmed, but is more about the one doing the harm.  Yes, it feels very personal, but the other guy is usually all caught up in his own damage. The harm done to you is collateral and is more about him.
 
Requested Forgiveness:
 
Lots of people deal with this when a lover cheats on them. You  may also want to forgive in this case because you really want to put the ugliness behind you. I need to point out that you can only forgive a cheating lover when something in the relationship will be or is different. Really different. You need to talk more openly, address issues that you haven't known how to approach or haven't wanted to address.
 
Things have to be different...or they're not.
 
This kind of forgiveness requires a complete openness--and refusal to defend--from the cheater. All passwords must be offered up; the cell phone has to be available for snooping at any time. There is--in this case--no privacy. Once you've been cheated on, you're understandable suspicious. It's just part of the mess. After all, you don't know what's real anymore.
 
The "no privacy" thing usually diminishes after a while (long, long while), but the cheater isn't trusted initially.
 
If you've experience infidelity in a relationship, there are issues that need to be resolved. It can be hard to do this because it feels a little like blaming the victim. I'm not doing that. The one who unzipped the pants is the only one responsible for cheating. However, even the victim in this case has had some say in the state of the relationship.
 
Follow me here--if you have no responsibility for what's happening in the relationship(before cheating), then you have no power. This isn't how it works. Responsibility and power are linked. The issues between you two need to be addressed if anything is going to be different. And if you're going to forgive, things need to be different.
 
Forgiveness lifts a psychic load off your shoulders. It's better for you, and that's the best motivation.