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We’re almost getting used to hearing about politicians who cheat on their wives. It seems crazy for them to do this when they have so much to lose. Yet, they continue to cheat.
It’s not just politicians, either. Cheating is rampant. You probably know friends who’ve cheated…or been cheated on. Maybe both. You may have cheated. Whether physical or emotional, cheating is on the rise.
For whatever reason, the largest percentage of the population still has expectations of exclusivity in intimate relationships. We still want fidelity. We’re just not good at it. Some estimates put 80% of relationships as having one or both mates cheating. This may be arguably a high figure and, understandably, hard numbers aren’t easily yielded. Still, the big question is why?
The wronged individual almost always wants to know this. Why did the infidelity happen? Why did this person cheat? Some people wonder if they’ve caused their spouses to step out on them. Are they, in some way, responsible? Did they not do something they should have done? Or do something they shouldn’t have done? Both the need to understand this kind of breach and the difficulty doing so is haunting.
Infidelity leaves a stain that’s hard to remove.
There are a bunch of answers to these questions. Most of them are intricately individual, but some things are universal. Cheating is a sign of prior trouble in the committed relationship. To some, this feels like blaming the victim. Others think this is offering an excuse to the cheater. Neither implication is true. However, if there weren’t trouble, of some sort, in the relationship, the cheater wouldn’t have cheated. Most people don’t want to believe this. They are so hurt by the betrayal that they struggle to look objectively at the condition the relationship was in before the cheating happened. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying that the cheating is in any way excused by the relationship having issues. Relationships always have issues of some sort. It’s the character-building part of relationships. Many folks deal with these without getting into an emotional or physical interaction with someone else. Relationship conflict is not an excuse.
But cheating doesn’t occur in happy relationships.
It sometimes occurs in relationships that the cheated-on mate thought was happy, but they’re usually misinformed or uninformed. Their significant other wasn’t happy. People who cheat use phrases like “it just happened” and “we weren’t looking to get involved” when they’re talking about the affair. They’re just as delusional as the cheated-on mate. Somewhere, someone made a choice.
Cheating is a sign of prior trouble in the committed relationship. Individuals in emotionally-connected relationships, where conflicts are resolved, don’t cheat.
Again, this is not an excuse. But relationship conflicts can be resolved, although no one is saying the process is easy. You can even survive an affair with the relationship intact, if everyone is invested in making this happen. You can. Only, not if you don’t deal with the issues that weakened the relationship initially. If you just try to forgive and hope it won't happen again, you're fooling yourself and just limping forward, with nothing learned.
Learn from the trauma. The hard part about this process for the betrayed mate is talking about how he or she contributed to the relationship estrangement. When you’re wronged, it’s hard to look at how you contributed to the problems before the infidelity. After all, you weren't the one getting naked and talking dirty to someone other than your mate. But you have to look at what wasn't resolved before this. You need to see your part in whatever was happening in the relationship. This is your power in this mess. It's what you can change, if you decide to stay. This is the only hope of getting the relationship on a healthy track.
Cheating is never, ever, a good answer, no matter what the relationship problems. But, one way or the other, you can survive.
