ONCE A CHEATER?

Maybe there's more to this question than common knowledge suggests. Many people believe that cheating in a committed relationship is a personal flaw that cannot be changed. I think that's an over-simplification. Some individuals adhere to this belief, thinking they just need to shun those who've cheated and that the cheater will never change, but this can be simply an attempt to try and feel more secure. The story goes that you just need to leave a cheated-on relationship and move on to someone who won't betray you.

Only this isn't so easy. Cheaters don't come bar-coded for easy identification and, as difficult as it is to make happen, people do change. We're not born with a set of behaviors that we're just stuck with. We get to choose the actions that work for us and change the ones that don't.

All that being said, some people who cheat once, do cheat again. Others, though, never cheat again. If you're the betrayed party, you feel hurt and mad and you want assurances that you'll never be hurt again.

The reality is, however, even if you leave the cheater, you can't be assured that the next relationship won't go the same way.

If you've been betrayed and heart-wounded by infidelity, you need to do the difficult thing and learn whatever you can learn from the experience. This is brutally hard. When all you want to do is crawl off and lick your wounds--in between moments of coming back to beat your mate--it's very, very difficult to step-back enough to look at the problems in the relationship before the breach.

Just thinking about looking at these issues can seem like you're being blamed for your mate's bad behavior. This is never true. Cheating occurs when the main relationship is struggling, but the choice to get naked with someone other than the mate can only be the cheater's choice. This isn't ever anyone else's fault. Ever. If you've been betrayed, you may have been told that your mate wouldn't have stepped out on you if you had more sex with the mate, bitched less at him/her, didn't flirt with other people, et cetera, et cetera.

Even if your mate never told you the cheating was your fault, you may still wonder: Was it something I did? Nope, not your fault.

However, while the cheating can only be the choice of the cheater, the relationship between you and your mate is 50/50. You both contribute to whatever happens between you. While this may seem blaming, it's really not. Unless you cheated, the cheating isn't your fault. It is very important, though, that you see your part in the relationship. You are responsible for your behavior in the relationship. If you have no impact on your mate, we're saying you have no power. Having no power is scary and unacceptible.

So, you have half of this thing--not the cheating--but half of the relationship.

You need to see that you can make your life better. You need to see what you add to the problems, so you can change your actions. This is your power, so learn what you need to learn from your damaged relationship.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe. Maybe not. The relationship needs careful examination and you need to look at what you want. You get to decide whether you stay or go. No one gets to tell you what to do. Ever. Not your mother. Not your professional therapist. No one. This is your decision.

You may not have anything else to give this relationship. You may be done. Your call. Even if your partner is really, really sorry, even if there were problems in the relationship and you weren't always an angel. Still, your call. Go or stay.

Never be ashamed of staying, though, and working to see if anything can be resuscitated. Staying doesn't make you weak, stupid or foolish. If you stay, there's something in the relationship of value to you--you hope you can make it a great deal better. Stay and change things. Stay if you can actually see improvement.

Issues in relationship don't just go away and the cheater saying "Sorry, I'll never cheat again" doesn't fix the problems, but the problems might actually be worked through. Maybe.

Having cheated once doesn't guarantee that an individual will cheat again. But the only way to hope to achieve this is to address the problems, to find better ways to successfully deal with issues.

Stay and work on things or go. Make your choice based on what you need and on whether the issues in the relationship can be resolved.