TOO SMART FOR ABUSE?

This is one of those things that always happens to the other person, not you. We have the image that the abused are uneducated and poor, generally unable to get out and make their lives better. This is sadly sometimes true, but not always.

Abuse happens to the educated, too. Those from good homes and in nice circumstances can find themselves in relationships that struggle and fracture. This kind of domestic conflict can lead to abusive moments, even though you don't see yourself as the typical victim. Relationships are at the very center of our existence. If something effects you, it effects your relationships. Every issue, every conflict is played out at this most intimate level.

Communication is a difficult process. You can think you're listening when your loved one doesn't feel heard, at all, but listening and working to understand the other person's perspective often feels like a denial of your own experience. No one feels like listening to the other person when no one's listening to them. This miscommunication can lead to arguments of ever-increasing intensity.

Some individuals grow up thinking--and often witnessing--physical abuse as an automatic response to anger. Anger in an intimate relationship is a given, but anger doesn't always mean striking out at another. Still, when abuse occurs in relationships, it's almost always in response to conflicts that individuals don't know how to resolve without hitting. They don't feel listened to, they GET your attention. They're going the make you listen.

Not all individuals grow up in this, however, and they can be shocked when they find themselves dealing with abuse.

In the flash of emotion, this kind of thing can make sense and often seems called for. It's never called for and never helpful in working through whatever issue exists, but to the abuser--and even to the abused--hitting can seem like the only option. This isn't true. You always have other options, even if it's hard to see them in the heat of the moment.

Some individuals are shocked to find themselves in this spot. They never, ever believed they could find themselves in the place where their most beloved individuals resorts to physical violence against them. Even the abuser can be shocked after the incident. It can seem like this shouldn't be happening to you...and it shouldn't, but then it shouldn't happen to anyone.
You're watchful with strangers, but you've let down the guard with those you love. This is where you're supposed to be safe. Loved.

Law enforcement officers will tell you that domestic violence situations are sadly frequent and volatile. They hate these. All violence is irrational and deplorable, but these situations are unstable and complicated. Too often victims refuse to press charges, reconciling with their abuser, yet these situations generally get worse and worse. A large percentage of women victims die at the hands of someone they were in an intimate relationship with.

Sexual assaults between lovers and friends are a mess of nuances. Even smart people end up in bad situations. Even the last person you expect to hurt you can hurt you.

We need to be aware of both our loved ones and ourselves. This can be really, really hard. Heck, just understanding your own feelings and reactions can be convoluted and complex. Don't give up, though. Put energy into understanding your responses and the "why" of your reactions, not in a challenging, mocking way, but work to see your own and other's points of view.

When you're working together towards understandingone another, abuse isn't even an option. Of course, this takes two, both of you straining to see the other guy's experience.

Even really smart people have to work at this.