NOT TOO COMFORTABLE

The womb was comfortable for your child, but he had to leave it eventually. He had to be born, to separate himself from you and to be his own person. He had to grow up.

As a parent, you've put big effort into taking care of him. You spent a fortune on his athletic shoes and his regular check-ups. You stayed up nights working to make money or bathing his fevered brow. You've worried and cautioned and worried some more.

You might also have made his life too comfortable. If your child never wants for anything, why stress about moving forward?

When adolescent children start to demand benefits as their right, trouble is starting. Some parents can afford to buy kids nice cars and send them to the "best" college they can get into, but many parents can't. Still, parents and children frequently see these--and more--as obligatory. Kids feel they have a right to a lifestyle their parents have worked hard to achieve.

Your kids need to not be given everything they want. If all needs are met like when they were infants, adolescents don't learn to cope functionally with the gap--the distance between what they want and what they have. The gap gives individuals motivation. They learn to achieve because it gets them what they want. Whether this is grades in school or money to go to the movies, kids need to see the connection between working toward and getting.

As parents have managed to improve lifestyles, they've provided tons for their children. After all, you love to give to the ones you love. But this may not be good for them.

The image of the entitled youth involves MP3 players, laptops, name label everything and money in their pockets. If the kid is working for some of this, he gains a sense of his own power. He's earned stuff, not just had it given to him.

Parental love sometimes means withholding--even if you can afford to get things for your kid and give him money, make sure it's best for him before you do this. Be very careful that you're not buying into the belief that you want him to fit in with his friends, so you buy him every expensive thing he wants. Don't deceive yourself that he needs an Iphone to compete in school or to call you if he's in trouble. Don't open your wallet everytime he holds out his hand.

It doesn't encourage your child to learn how to succeed if he never has to strain, never has to do without.

Help him learn to handle his money. Give him an allowance and don't make this lavish. Then he gets to spend as he chooses. If you refrain from giving him additional money whenever he asks, he'll learn to budget to buy the fun things he wants. Encourage him to get a part-time job. Learning to work--for someone other than you or a god parent--will help him learn how to work for a boss who doesn't necessarily love him. He'll have to negotiate through working with others and managing his schedule. He'll have to decide what's most important to him and how to spend his time as well as his money.

Parents will sometimes want their kids to pursue school activities, saying that's their biggest job. While it is true that education is very important, don't let yourself believe he's working toward a scholarship or getting into a really good college and this then exempts him from taking care of other life requirements.

Being a successful adult means making choices. Sports may be fun, but ask yourself if this needs to be your child's biggest priority. How likely is it that your child will get that athetic scholarship? Is he willing to sacrifice free time or extra money to get it? If so, he's working toward a goal and that's rewarding in itself.

Make sure you're not working harder than your child to get the things that will make him comfortable. Let him succeed. The only way to do this is help him earn his own success. Make him too comfortable and he won't see the value of striving.