IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

"My mom and dad divorced when I was two. My dad physically abused my mom, so she took me and left. They tried again a few months later and the abuse escalated. He broke her glasses, pulled her hair, slapped her and pushed her down. They separated for about 13 years. Then later when I was 15-16, I got curious and wanted to meet him. We got in contact with his mother and then he came to visit. They jumped right back into a relationship after my mom had told me they wouldn't. I got upset and he left because it was just a visit.

Fast forward 5 years again and my mom is trying a 4th time with him. They jumped back into the relationship and it's not working. They fight almost every day. For a long time, he didn't look for work, he sat in the bed and watched TV and movies all day everyday. He drove my mom around for work because she had to give up her car. They fight and yell all the time. I left to stay with a boyfriend for awhile, thinking they might do better without me. They didn't. They still fought and abuse one another. My boyfriend and I broke up and I came home. Things got even worse.

All they do is fight. Dad blames her and then she blames him, getting worse and worse until we all started abusing each other. We've all still been trying to do anything to make it work. We tried family meetings, tried typing up how we felt about everything and what all of us need to work on as a family. Our last shot is counseling.

I've gotten to the point where I just want my dad to leave. He's threatened to leave 3 times since he's been here and my mother wants him to leave, too. Every time they fight or all of us fight, he comes in the next morning, crying or trying to make up and says he's really trying to change. I think the situation is too volatile for my mom or I to be near him, but he says he has to stay here, refuses to go.

What do you think? Do you think he should leave? He continues living here, but doesn't pay rent, instead spending his money on toys. I want him gone, I've made that extremely clear. Please respond as soon as possible."--Please Help

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Dear Daughter,

 

You know he needs to leave. If your dad's name is on the lease, however, your mother can't kick him out. If the physical abuse is on-going, your mother and you can go to a shelter and she can file charges on him. Even if the abuse is no longer physical, this is a bad situation. Even if your mother's or your name is on the lease, you need to seriously consider breaking it. No one should live in the distressing situation you describe, even if it's not always bad, it's still bad.

 

I don't know your exact age, but you're obviously an adult. If your mom doesn't get out of this mess, you need to consider your own safety. You can get out of this insanity and make a life for yourself.

 

 

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IT'S OKAY TO QUIT

 

Somehow we've gotten the crazy idea that it's bad to quit even bad situations. While kids probably need to stick out a season of baseball--if they wanted to sign up--most other things that don't work for you, don't work for you. It's only smart to change course, if doing so is in your best interest.

 

The don't be a quitter philosophy has major limitations. Yes, you need to learn to stick out difficult situations, if there's something to be gained by it--some skill to be learned, some course to be passed or a lesson to be learned. But misery is misery. There had better be a good reason for it.

 

If you don't like a situation, a job, a career or a marriage, then get out. Those bad situations that can't be fixed, need to be changed. This gets more complicated when we're talking about a relationship and kids, but the problems need to be fixed--get professional help. No shame in this--or you need to get the heck out.

 

Survival may be fun to watch on reality television, but it's not good to live your live like you're running a marathon. Your job, your living situation and your relationship all need to benefit you, in some way. Living your life like you're in an endurance contest is draining and demeaning. You need to learn to stick out tough times only if you're actually getting something out of this. There's no badge of courage for sticking out an unhappy marriage.

 

You deserve better. Some things, some situations and some people deserve to be quit.