SUPPORTIVE PARENTING

"For about 4 years now, my parents have been divorced. 3 years ago, my father found a new girlfriend, however my 3 siblings and I only really found out about her a couple of years ago. At first, it was like any new girlfriend-of-the-father relationship. She seemed 'cool', was nice and not intrusive. However, as things got more serious, she has assumed much, much more power than is actually hers.

Recently she has been telling my younger, more naive siblings what to do, wuch as the dishes, when to go to bed, etc. She does not even live in the house! I believe that she should have absolutely no authority whatsoever, and should not be disciplining my siblings for they are my father's kids, not hers. However, he things otherwise and believes that it is her right as a girlfriend to tell them what to do if she notices bad behavior. My siblings are both well-behaved and she simply tells them what to do because she feels like it! She should report it to my father and he should be the one doing the disciplining.

Also, she's extremely presumptuous in that she is constantly changing our house around to her liking. Little things--such as where the bread goes, where the lunch bags are, etc. I know these are rather insignificant, but she is, in every way possible, trying to weave her way into our lives, and our house--which isn't hers.

I am so frustrated with this woman and with my father believing she's in the right to be rude to us. He never listens to me when I complain, simply rejecting what I say and getting mad. He threatens to kick me out. Please, I am extremely fed up with this person. I need to know how to deal with her and my father."--Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated,

I understand that you didn't chose this woman and it feels as though she's pushing her way into the role of your mother. You didn't say if you have a relationship with your mom or what yours and your siblings ages are, but I feel the need to point out a few hard facts.

If your mom isn't in the picture, your dad's carrying the load on his own and I'm guessing he's tired of that. Raising three kids as a single parent is hard. Maybe the girlfriend doesn't tell you what to do and doesn't get into your life; maybe she does and you push back.

The reality is that you can't tell your dad how to parent. His girlfriend's "actual power" isn't your call. It's his. You just don't have the authority to tell him what to do, even though he may be messing up big time. This one isn't your call. You do get to decide what you personally will deal with and if this women is this hard to take(and you're an adult), you might need to look elsewhere for housing.

Just as your dad doesn't pick your relationships, you don't get to pick his. Many parents hate who their kids date or marry. The story is the same--you don't get to decide who your parents or your kids go out with. This is true even if you live in the same home as that person.

This may sound harsh and wrong. It may be very unacceptable with you, but you need to accept it anyway. Your dad gets to make his relationship and parenting mistakes. You get to make yours. The hardest thing is being supportive of the parent(or kid) you love, even if you hate the choices.

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BEING A SUPPORTIVE PARENT

This is hard, particularly as children become adults and venture into a complicated world. The term "supportive" is defined as providing sympathy and encouragement, but as a parent, you're used to doing much more. You've helped out both financially and you've given lots of advice, some of which your kid may actually have taken.

Financial support, however, gets sticky. When your money is involved, you feel you should have input. You should be allowed to tell your kid what to do and what not to do. But when your child becomes a legal adult, they have to make their own choices.

I cannot stress this enough--even when those choices are scary and bad, your child gets to make his own choices. We're big on freedom in this country and that freedom extends to letting every adult pursue his own path (no matter how much you don't like her). You don't get to pick his dates or his school or his career.

Trust me, I realize that it may be very clear sometimes that you'd do a much better job of this.

Being a supportive parent, however, means letting your children find the bumpy path to learning life lessons. You get to be loving, to convey that you believe in your child's capacity, even though you may not like where he's headed right now. BTW, saying you don't like his choices won't help and sometimes turns his focus from what he needs to be addressing on to fighting with you.

When it comes to life choices, he doesn't need to be resisting you. He needs to plough ahead.

This part of parent is very difficult. Let me stress again that this is very difficult. Remember that you love him. You want him to learn and learning, sadly, involves some stumbling. You stumbled and he deserves the right to do this, too. He also deserves your love, even if standing by and offering mute support is killing you.