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When we were all at my house hanging out later, my granddaughter was disrespectful to her aunt (my daughter). Her aunt (my daughter) asked her to apologize, but she would not, walking out. My son then exploded, yelling at his sister. He said his step-daughter didn't need to apologize and that they were all leaving. I said my granddaughter should apologise for being disrespectful. My son got angry, saying that she was his child and she would never apologize. He asked how we dared 'gang up' on a 15 year old. When his wife and I tried to calm him down, he made a fist at me. He dragged my 10 and 5 years old out of the house, much to their surprise.
I don't know what to do now. I'm afaid I will not get to see my grandsons. My son kept them from us about 4 years ago, when he was mad at us . It made me almost suicidal. My daughter is upset about the whole mess, as am I. Things were said on both sides that are hard to forgive. But one thing I know for sure is that my granddaughter needs to apologize, as she's been rude to me, too. I let it go, but no more. I love her very much, but I won't see her until she apologizes. I think my son made things much worse. Please help us. I want to mend my family."--Distressed Grandmother
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Dear Distressed,
You say you want to mend the family, but you're also very clear that you must get an apology from your granddaughter. Since your son reacted the way he did, you know that he won't be enforcing this with his daughter.
From your son's reaction to your daughter's run-in with his daughter, I suspect there are unresolved family issues. He may feel you've always favored her or that she's generally unfair to his step-daughter. I don't know. It's also possible that, since you were having a family get-together, he was drinking and , therefore, more belligerent. You seem convinced that your daughter was innocent in this situation and that your son is way out-of-line.
I suggest you talk with your son about this, with no one else present besides perhaps his wife. When I say talk to him, I really mean that you need to listen to his side of this. You may not agree with his take on everything, but you need to know where he's coming from. The granddaughter's apology isn't the biggest issue, from the sounds of it, and a forced apology is meaningless.
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COMMANDING THE CONVERSATION
It is a sad fact that many do not understand the effect they have on others. Some people appear to view conversations as a lecture opportunity with them pontificating about whatever and the other person unhappily nodding once in a while. Lots of things can motivate this behavior--simple low self-esteem, anxiety with the people in the situation or chronic unawareness of others. Regardless, the one nodding generally won't want to interact again with the one lecturing.
The hardest thing--and the most effective tool--is to ask about and listen to the other person's life. If you want to create interactions that leave those you're speaking with looking forward to talking with you more, practice listening to them. Hear what interests them and what troubles them. Be able to echo back to them what they said to you and they'll know you heard them.
The best conversationalists make their listeners look good. Don't worry that you'll never be heard yourself. When someone sees you as engaged with them in their interests, they're much more likely to wonder what you have to say.
