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Screwing up on a project…or blowing a proposal…or earning a D on a paper can make us feel like worthless losers, but each one of these failures brings us valuable information. We actually need to learn to process failure and rejection.
This sounds so wrong! Failure should be avoided at all costs, shouldn't it? Rejection means we're worthless, doesn't it? Actually, no. Failure needs to be embraced, not because we like it, but because we need it. The trouble for most people is in thinking that failure can be avoided in life, rather than seeing it as an aspect of our learning to succeed. Failure teaches us things we need to know.
It may sound like a platitude people use to console themselves, but failure is an important life lesson. Say, you're trying something risky, like applying to a ivy league college or trying out for your high school play. You blow it--don't turn in everything for your application or show up without a song for your audition, whatever. You cringe, feel horrible(stupid, actually) and you vow never to run this risk again. Failure hurts too bad.
Think about all the information you'll miss. Figuring out why we failed at something can give us tremendously valuable information. Information we need to correct our behavior, and aim better in our next attempt. Nothing significant is achieved in a single shot. The really good things take multiple attempts. Think of contestants who've entered the Miss America contests year after year, only to make the big win eventually. You may not be attempting to be crowned Miss Universe, but odds are that whatever you want to achieve will require perseverance on your part. If you can't tolerate failure, you're going to give up early in the process.
Learn the necessary lessons in failure. First, it takes too much energy to beat your self up. Calling yourself names(like stupid) is non-productive and only uses emotional energy you could be putting into your next shot at a what you want.
Think of the high-achieving high school student who commits suicide when rejected by his first choice college. This is a shocking, incredibly sad choice. Always achieving what you go after leaves you vulnerable to being unable to tolerate failure when it does happen. Rejection and failure feel horrible, but the emotions that come with these experiences don't last and don't do major harm if we keep them in perspective. They're feelings we really don't enjoy. Feelings fade over time and in the face of eventual achievement of the newly-tweaked goal or the newly-corrected application of our energy. Sometimes, we have things we need to learn. The process of getting to success involves certain actions. How do you learn what these actions are, if you don't persevere?
There are some individuals who are so intolerant of failure, that they simply refuse to attempt anything that they don't know absolutely they can achieve. No matter how small. They don't play games they can't win. Don't enter contests when they aren't sure they'll blow away the competition. Don't ask people they like out on dates, when they aren't sure of getting a "Yes!"
The oft-quoted reality is that Mickey Mantle struck out more times than he hit home runs…but he hit an amazing 536 home runs in his career. Failure is a part of success. It helps your correct your aim, correct your attempts. Get better at what you do. Whether you're asking a hot guy out on a date or applying to a new job, you need to be able to deal with rejection. Failure.
Some people stay in jobs they hate because they're afraid of the failure along the way to finding a new job. Others live solitary lives because they fear the embarrassment and discomfort inherent in dating.
Failure is a necessary aspect of any success. Learn to tolerate it. Learn to fail. It's the only way to win.
